Thank god Riverdale is back, and the Season 2 premiere did NOT disappoint: we cried, we laughed, we shipped and, at one point, we quite literally jumped out of our seats. One thing’s for sure—this ain’t even close to your mama’s Archie comics. Here’s your comprehensive guide to WTF happened in episode 1, in GIFs.
The episode opens on Fred Andrews’s car peeling through the quiet, early morning streets of Riverdale with Archie Andrews (a high school student without so much as a permit, much less a driver’s license, Jughead informs us) at the wheel and his dad in the passenger seat, doing all that he can not to bleed out… from the bullet shot into his abdomen by the mysterious masked man late the night before at Pop’s, remember? So much #dramz.
While Fred’s in surgery, Archie calls Betty, and news of the shooting quickly spreads across town. The Core 4 (Archie, Betty, Jughead and Veronica, obviously) plan to convene at the hospital, so Jughead flies out of his dad’s trailer and
gets into the car parked directly outside of the trailer decides today is the day he shall ride the motorcycle. Dude dramatically whips off the sheet covering his steel stallion and zooms away into the distance. We’re not complaining (dark Jughead is HOT), but since when does he ride a motorcycle?
While in surgery, Fred has this really freakin’ weird dream about death literally knocking on his door. He’s packed his bags and Archie is there telling him to go be with their dead relatives and then the deceased bang loudly on the door of the Andrews & Son trailer and it’s just so, so dark.
Cut to Veronica and Archie at the Andrews residence, cleaning up what seems to be gallons of blood on Archie and his clothing. While Arch and his well-defined abs are going rub-a-dub-dub in the tub, Veronica decides she’s in the mood, so she enters the shower sans clothes but with her pearls (because, duh). Thank you, Riverdale, for the shower sex scene we knew we needed but never thought we’d get.
Back at the hospital, Veronica sees her mom, Hermione, go into the chapel, and she follows. Veronica kneels beside Hermione and aggressively suggests that she had something to do with Fred Andrews being shot. Hermione is shocked her daughter could think like that, and Veronica simply replies, “if the Manolo Blahnik fits.” ICONIC.
Cheryl Blossom arrives at the hospital with her badly burned “mommy” (so. weird.) and she tells everyone there that the fire—which she started in the season finale!!!—was a terrible accident. Then, in private, she threatens her mom (who can’t talk because of all them bandages) in what is probably the scariest Cheryl scene to date.
After Fred wakes up, everyone heads home for some self-care—something I doubt Veronica will get much of since her felon father HAS RETURNED. He creepily sits at the head of their dining room table, with his face hidden by the shade and Hermione looking on like, “Ugh, that’s my dude.” They basically co-threaten Veronica to get back in line, or else. Also, they’re still very much angry about Ronnie cracking the ol’ Cristal (even though they’re super rich and could buy, like, a box?). We are uncomfortable.
Here comes the part that made us jump. We see Ms. Grundy, a few towns over in Greendale, daintily teaching another buff and impressionable young high school student how to play piano and hook up with his teacher. When he leaves, THE GUY WHO SHOT FRED IS IN HER HOUSE AND HE USES THE BOW OF HER CELLO TO SLIT HER THROAT. At least that’s what we think… we don’t know if she’s dead, but holy. eff.
How are we supposed to wait a whole WEEK for a new episode?!