“Terror was seeping into the bedrock of Riverdale, and a lot of it stemmed from the question on everyone’s minds: will Toni and Jughead make out?” said Jughead.* (*Not really but he defs seems like someone who would use third person narration.)
This week, Archie is officially 100 percent rogue, Jughead is evermore Serpent-y, Betty can’t stop crying and Veronica is missing the point. Let’s dig in.
The episode opens with Archie doing target practice in the woods. Some questions we have right off the bat: isn’t Riverdale small enough that at least a few peeps would hear his gunshots? Also, he can shoot with one hand? Isn’t that, like, a very hard task requiring more muscle than that of an 18-year-old boy??
Meanwhile, over at the Lodge residence, Hermione tries to tell Veronica she can’t date Archie anymore and the angry teenager inside all of us screamed, “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.” After she storms out, Hiram is unsurprisingly delighted about all the “chaos and confusion.” Who are these people?
Over at the Cooper’s this a.m., Alice is in full hysterics about the terror she feels every time Betty leaves the house/whenever she thinks about Polly at the ol’ farm. I’m sorry but didn’t she blame Betty for all of Riverdale’s crime last episode?
Archie gets home after his early morning shooting excursion, and—what a surprise!—Fred is in the kitchen (where he lives now, we think?) ready for some more half-assed chastising. Archie is spinning out and all Fred can say is, “Good grief, Archie.” That shit only works for Charlie Brown, ‘K?!
The school day begins with Betty checking the mail at the Blue and Gold, where she finds a letter from none other than the Black Hood! Dun, dun, dunnnnnn. How hilarious is his handwriting, though?
Over on the south side of town, Jughead’s lunch dates (a.k.a. the Southside Serpents, a.k.a. Sweet Pea and his piece-y bangs) are watching Archie’s now-viral vid and plotting to beat him up… because that’s all Serpents do? IDK. Point is, Jughead tries to distance from Archie, calling him a “milkhead.” We will now use this term in everyday life.
Archie shows up at school and walks the halls while a crazy soundtrack (basically a cheesy remix of dialogue from his last 24 hours) playing in the background and, bonkers music aside, we’re pretty sure his new vigilante ‘tude makes him… hotter? Is that even possible?
Kevin shows up and tries to talk to Betty about her tattling in the last episode, but she can’t even hear him because she’s too busy crying on cue. Kevin’s anger quickly turns into concern—because he is the best friend and most pure-of-heart character on this show, might we add—and Betty tells him she received a personal letter from the Black Hood wherein he claims he’s doing all his killing on her behalf. In his
love letter envelope of terror, the Black Hood also included a cipher that Betty assumes is information about his next kill. Admittedly, that is terrifying, but does this mean Kevin’s awesome 15 minutes are just donezo? We do not accept.
Also: is this Black Hood-Betty connection just proving our theory that Betty’s dad, Hal, is the Black Hood? He’s got the look and the motive, doesn’t he?! (Plus he’s def the least DILF-y of all the Riverdaddies, no?)
As Kevin and Betty try to figure out what to do, the Red Circle (a.k.a. the football team) have a meeting in the locker room. Principal Weatherbee suspended the team until Archie agrees to disband the Red Circle via signing a super official letter Weatherbee wrote. Reggie and co. are begging Archie to sign the letter because HEAVEN FORBID they have to live sans football. When Archie says no, Reggie flies into a fury and kicks the nearest locker.
Back in the depths of Southside High (side note: does this place remind you of the Upside Down? Stranger Things crossover, anyone??), Jughead has checked out a stack of library books about prolific serial killers who donned a variety of mask-like disguises whilst murdering to scour for hints about the Black Hood. Toni interrupts and confirms she is real weird by knowing way too much about individual murderers throughout history. Then Betty calls and Jughead IGNORES IT SO HE CAN TALK TO TONI. WTF???
That night, Archie goes to this extremely sketchy hunting shop to stock up on ammo, a bullet proof vest and other things he’ll need for “hunting.” Here’s a thought: How the F did Archie’s (very awful looking) fake I.D. work on this man when Riverdale is so, so small? Further proof that America’s gun laws are the pits?
The next day, Veronica shows just how deeply she is (again) totally. missing. the point. To show Archie how much she “supports” him, she designs, purchases and distributes Red Circle t-shirts to the whole of Riverdale High. Very Kony 2012-esque, non? Archie seems less than pleased, but dude, you started it!!!
After school, Jughead, Betty, Toni and Kevin (the motliest of crews) meet at FP’s trailer to continue their efforts in decoding the Black Hood’s riddle, and Toni is immeds very mean to Betty. She trashes her ponytail (please see GIF #3 above), to which Kevin replies, “Betty’s ponytail is iconic and beyond reproach.” A) Why didn’t Jughead stand up for his girl? B) How is Kevin this wonderful?
Meanwhile, Archie is walking through alleys in Southside, alone, in the dead of night, free-handing damn-near perfect circles in red spray paint. This doesn’t seem smart for several reasons, but it’s ultimately unsurprising because Archie hasn’t used his brain one time in this season. He runs into Sweet Pea and his boys, who threaten Arch with a knife, and that’s when our orange-haired lover boy pulls his gun. Idiot.
The next day, Principal Weatherbee and Sheriff Keller get reports of a red-headed north sider waving a gun around, so naturally, they investigate Archie. After searching his locker, they don’t find the gun but they do find the black hood Reggie used to prank Archie a few episodes ago. On that note, they bar Archie from school property until further notice (read: until he starts acting normally again).
All the parents of Riverdale show up to the town hall called by the extremely inefficient Mayor McCoy, but not before Hermione can give Ronnie a lesson in the dangers of “blind loyalty.” Ain’t that a laugh!
While the adults are conversing about how to stop the Black Hood, Betty and Jughead figure out the Black Hood’s cipher and it says he’ll strike next where it all began, a.k.a. the school gym where Betty gave her impassioned speech that he quoted in his letter, a.k.a. where the town hall is currently taking place. As those two run to the school, Archie and his boys are having a literal street smackdown with the Southside Serpents. It’s pouring rain and quite dramatic, especially when Veronica shoots Archie’s gun into the air to get them to stop. To quote Fred Andrews, good grief!
The episode closes with Veronica tenderly treating Archie’s wounds (classic), and a rather steamy kiss…
And then Betty receives a call from the Black Hood himself. First of all, what kind of psychopath doesn’t swipe to answer her phone calls, @Betty?! Second, the Black Hood sounds well-mannered, like he would’ve offered to call back had Betty been in the middle of something. We have no idea what he said since the episode wrapped after the initial “Hey girl, it’s the Black Hood, you up?” greeting, but we’re sure episode 5 will open with all the dramz. Stay tuned!
We conclude this recap with a moment of silence for FP Jones. It has now been THREE episodes since we’ve seen his beautiful, weathered face. #JusticeForRiverdaddy