Lainey, For Real: Let's Talk About My Favourite Porn Star

We don’t think twice about gushing over Channing Tatum or Chris Pratt. So why, columnist Elaine Lui wonders, can’t we talk about our favourite porn stars?

Elaine Lui Lainey Gossip
(Illustration: Bijou Karman)

My former favourite porn star looks kinda like Tom Hardy (from certain angles) and almost played professional soccer. I stopped paying attention to him when I discovered my current favourite porn star, who is a vegan. He’s also a yogi. Normally, the vegan thing would turn me off, but the point of a favourite porn star is that you never have to share a meal. But I’m not telling you what his name is yet. And you can’t skip to the end of this article to find it, either*. Because I’m drawing this out. You don’t get to blow your load off the top, not without a little foreplay.

Anyway, here are some other things I know about my favourite porn star.

  • He spends a lot of time on his farm, where he has a number of dogs and at least one goat.
  • He’s handy. He built a teeter-totter for the goat.
  • He likes taking pictures of sunrises.
  • He’s very spiritual.

I know all this because, obviously, I creep him on social media. Just like you creep your favourite movie star. You follow Ryan Gosling on Twitter. You check up on Kate Hudson on Instagram. You read every Chris Pratt Facebook post. Everyone has a favourite actor, singer, model. At some point, we’ve all wanted to f-ck our favourite actor, singer, model. And what you learn about your favourite actor, singer, model—in magazines, on the Internet, on Twitter—feeds into your fantasy. And this is socially acceptable. The following conversation is standard:

“Oh my God, Charlie Hunnam is so hot. I want him so bad.”

“Yeah? He’s not my thing. But I would totally do Chris Evans.”

Or Jennifer Lawrence. Or Rihanna. Or Adam Levine (who is definitely not my thing). And another consideration, how do you know Adam Levine would deliver? How do you know Leonardo DiCaprio isn’t a lazy lover—does he seem like he needs to try?

For some reason, however, it’s not socially acceptable to have a favourite porn star. Even though when you have one, you know it’s a slam dunk. Mine gets me off every time. Still, while most people can readily answer the question “who’s your favourite actor, singer, model” they don’t have a favourite porn star. When I tell people about mine, most immediately want to know who he is, just like you want to know who he is. So…why don’t you have your own?

Related: Lainey, For Real: My Year of Very Bad Luck

Like movies, TV and music, there is good porn and there is bad porn. Like movies, TV and music, there is porn out there for every preference. Cynthia Loyst, one of my colleagues on The Social, likes her porn ’70s flavoured, with full bush and real breasts. I have another friend, a straight woman, who gets her stimulation from gay male porn. I prefer mine to be pretty. As in high-quality film, with good lighting and lovely scenery. Poolside at a luxe mansion always works; in an all-white bedroom, with clean white sheets and the sun coming in from floor-to-ceiling windows is a great standby. I recently enjoyed a scene that took place in a high-end dance club—the way the mirror ball reflected off their bodies was really sexy and also kinda arty.

And, for me, the players have to be attractive. This isn’t usually a problem when it comes to the women, but the men, in the past, have been straight-up vile. One of the most famous male porn stars in history is Ron Jeremy, primarily because of the size of his penis. Clearly the people who cast him never cared about his face. In recent times, though, they’re getting better and better looking. Mine doesn’t “look” like a porn star. He looks like a model. He looks editorial. Every time I point him out to someone, they fall over in shock. THAT’s a porn star?

Affirmative. He’s gorgeous. Like gorgeous gorgeous, not just gorgeous-for-someone-who’s-in-porn gorgeous. And well-endowed, if that’s important to you. And he’s a really good kisser, which is important to me. In fact, he likes kissing…during. A lot. What’s even more interesting is that he only performs with ONE person. His girlfriend. She got into the business first. And then she hooked up with him, and now, apparently, they only do it with each other. So they’re exclusive. They’re vegan together. They live on a farm together. They raise goats together. They porn together. I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!?

The girlfriend is, well, typical: skinny, huge tits, huge lips. I don’t think she’s good enough for him. Just like so many people out there don’t think Eva Mendes is good enough for Ryan Gosling or that Casper Smart isn’t good enough for Jennifer Lopez. I was text-complaining about this recently with Duana, one of my best friends. “I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone like you, who gets, like, mentally involved with their porn stars,” she replied. “Like it’s the people who are important to you, not the scenario.”

But why shouldn’t we gossip about our favourite porn stars? They’ve shown us way more than our favourite movie stars will ever show us. They’re willing to stimulate us way more. Movie stars charge us $13.99 to see them blow sh-t up at the theatre. My favourite porn star has given me all kinds of explosions, and I’ve never paid for it, not once.

*Need the deets on Lainey’s vegan porn star? All is revealed here…

Elaine Lui is the founder of Lainey Gossip and the author of Listen to the Squawking Chicken.

Related:
Lainey, For Real: My Year of Very Bad Luck
Lainey, For Real: China Rich Girlfriend and Chinese Lit
Lainey, For Real: Chicken Feet, Fat and Food Shaming
Lainey, For Real: Notes on a Diet
Lainey, For Real: Our Selfies, Ourselves?
Lainey Talks to 
Canadian Business About Turning her Passion into a Career

 

 

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