Being a woman is expensive. Beyond all our first-world indulgences—why do I keep buying crop tops I have no intention of ever wearing??—it typically costs more to just be a woman. From birth control to hygiene products, having a female body isn’t for the faint of heart. (Worse, maybe, is that we pay more while being paid less, but look, that’s another crushing indignity for another time.)
So should it have been surprising that even our tampons are taxed? Somehow, the mere things that keep our insides from falling out are subject to GST. The argument, of course, is that a tampon is considered a “luxury” item rather than an essential. (That said, if women decided they were done wearing them and left a trail of blood everywhere they went for four to seven days a month, I suspect the government would pay and home-deliver the softest, plushest vaginal corks available to womankind.)
And it’s not really just tampons—it’s well established that men’s razors and deodorants, among other products, tend to be cheaper than near-identical products for women. There’s something about slapping a pink label on a bottle and calling the scent “Summer Peach Poof” that makes it cost a quarter more.
This week, the long fight to remove the tampon tax is coming to a head, with the NDP bringing forth a motion to remove the extra cost.
The timeline for the motion is still up in the air, but, hey, we’re all just trying to eat! So, should GST be eradicated from our tampons, I’ve provided a list of male-centric products and interests that we could tack an extra tax onto to make up the difference. Gotta get that male privilege scratch.
1. Any panel that neglects to invite a single female-identifying human, animal or plant. (20 percent)
What are all you guys going to talk about without us anyway? How to clean red wine out of a fedora? How to unclasp a bra without ripping my back skin off? JUST USE BOTH HANDS, YOU’RE NOT IMPRESSING ME.
2. Any beer that involves a rape joke. (80 percent)
A few weeks ago, Bud Light had to say “woops” when it released a slogan on its bottles saying, “The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” Besides the tax, I personally demand $40 from every dude who high-fived his moron friend after reading it. Failure to pay will result in me tattooing “ABSOLUTELY NOT” on his neck.
3. Any male who grabs or yells at a female reporter when she’s just trying to pay off her goddamn student loans. (500 percent)
Possibly the most upsetting part of the FHRITP arc that peaked earlier this week is that a significant portion of the women targeted have also been grabbed or touched by the guys screaming it. I haven’t decided on an adequate punishment (besides this significant tax), but losing your Sunshine List job and being publicly derided as a sad little man whose mother probably would not find it funny “eventually” seems like a good start.
Related: Shauna Hunt on the FHRITP Aftermath
4. Whoever decided that Supergirl has to be more Princess Mia than RoboCop. (40 percent)
Watching the trailer is the equivalent of asking your mom why you have to wear a dress and go to church while your brother gets to make mudpies in the backyard.