TV & Movies

394 Hilarious Words From Grace Helbig's New Book

What does your lipstick shade say about you? The YouTube vlogger, podcast-helmer and NYT best-selling author tells it straight in this excerpt from her new book, Grace & Style: The Art of Pretending You Have It

grace helbig

Helbig, looking hella adorable (Photo: Robin Roemer)

She has over 2.8 million YouTube subscribers and the podcast Not Too Deep, plus an upcoming web series, Electra Woman & Dyna Girl, and movie, Dirty Thirty. Somewhere in the midst of all this, vlogger Grace Helbig wrote another book (her first, Grace’s Guide: The Art of Pretending to Be a Grown-up, debuted at No. 1 on the New York Times bestseller list). Grace & Style: The Art of Pretending You Have It has the same biting wit and goofy relatability of her many projects. She skewers fashion mags, beauty blogs and Insta style stars (we love The Bad Hair Day Character Wheel, which includes Debonair Detective, Braided Bohemian, Pinterest Princess, The Face of Fitness, Domestic Goddess and Animal from The Muppets) in between reminiscing about her own checkered sartorial past and fashion faves. She may be teasing our ilk a little, but she’s so damn funny we’re not even mad. Enjoy her take on what your lipstick says about you.

NARS Audacious Lipstick in Annabella, $44,

NARS Audacious Lipstick in Annabella, $44,

Bold Red: I’m confident, I think. Please don’t ask me to eat or drink anything that can’t be sucked through a straw. I love Taylor Swift, but I also loathe Taylor Swift. She’s not that great, you guys. I could do what she does. I took guitar lessons! I mean, one time I hooked up with a guy who looked like Jack White. Still counts. I’m (trying to be) exciting and mysterious, but if you try any butt stuff, I’ll be, like, really sad for days.

Yves Saint Laurent Pure Couture Collection in TK, $40,

Yves Saint Laurent Pur Couture Collection in Rose Celebration, $40,

Trendy Pink: Yes, I’ve S’d a bounty of Ds, so what? F*CK YOU. Sike, I wouldn’t f*ck you with a ten-foot pole. And yes, I’ve f*cked a man with a ten-foot pole. JEALOUS? Please be my friend. I only eat cranberries. And the moon makes me sad because all it does is continue to circle around the earth and the earth won’t even give it the time of day. Literally. I MEAN SHUT UP. But srsly, will you be my maid of honor when I get married? I don’t mean NOW. OHMYGOD YOU DON’T EVEN LISTEN. I love you! Can I get a double sugar-free Red Bull with triple vodka?

Estée Lauder Pure Color Envy Sculpting Lipstick in Defiant Coral, $34,

Estée Lauder Pure Color Envy Sculpting Lipstick in Defiant Coral, $34,

Classic Coral: I could be sixteen, I could be sixty. I’m a wild card. I desperately don’t want to be alone. I’m allergic to sauces. Truthfully, I’m just trying to keep up with the Kardashians. I can be sexy, I swear. I’m all about good, clean fun and good, clean fuc-ACCIA BREAD I JUST STUBBED MY TOE. I’m a little clumsy. I forgot I have youth group in the morning. Bye. Don’t touch me.

M.A.C Cosmetics Lipstick in All I Want, $44,

M.A.C Cosmetics Lipstick in All I Want, $20,

Any Color Outside the Pink/Purple/Red Family: I will ruin you…as soon as my ecstasy wears off and I finish eating the loose pieces of Cinnamon Toast Crunch I found at the bottom of my clear backpack. That, or I fell asleep on my master’s thesis while the Wite-Out was still wet. I guess you could say I’m old- school *modest giggle*. Also, by “master’s thesis,” I mean I have a master and he’s writing his thesis. I’m into some weird sex-fetish stuff. But I love cooking.

No Lipstick: I’d rather enhance my brain with thoughts. OR I’m running late, so I pinch my lips to make it look like I put stuff on them.

grace helbig

Grace & Style: The Art of Pretending You Have It (Touchstone, $27)

Adapted from Grace & Style, by Grace Helbig. Copyright © 2016 by Grace Helbig. Reprinted by permission of Touchstone, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc. Available February 2 wherever books are sold.

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