Q: I’m 22 years old and—yikes!—still a super virgin. I’ve tried dating through apps and have had no success because everyone seems to be looking for an “instant gratification” that I can’t give them. I feel so behind the curve. How do I date when everyone I meet expects to have sex right away? Should I feel badly for being a virgin when my peers are sexually active?
Well, hello and welcome.
Here is my short answer: No, no, NO. You should absolutely, positively not feel badly for being a virgin at ANY age.
Here is my long answer:
If this big, beautiful, overpopulated world can offer us one scrap of comfort, it’s this: the likelihood of you being the only person to experience, well, anything, is very, very unlikely. Therefore, I would put a large amount of money on the fact that when it comes to being a virgin later in the game, you are not alone!
Losing the oooool’ V-card (ugh, I’m sorry) means different things to different people. There are people who make mixtapes comprising mostly of Goo Goo Dolls and Enya, and wait and wait and wait for a rainy day when their parents aren’t home, then slap on some fairy lights and invite their longtime boyfriend over for “the big event.” (Why are you looking at me like that; that’s not MY story. OK it was me.) Then there are people, like one of my best friends, who just wanted to get it over with, so they had sex with one of their friends in a bathroom at IHOP. (Don’t worry, I’ve been assured that bathroom was one of the “bigger, cleaner ones.”)
If you’re one of those people who want to wait for a really special person to lose your virginity to in a really special way (which is great), do that. I know that in today’s world of Tinder/Grindr/Whatevr-style instant gratification, it can feel like all people are looking for is someone to have sex with RIGHT NOW BEFORE THEY JIZZ A HOLE IN THEIR PANTS. While this may be the case with some, there are also lots of people out there who are looking for something slower-paced and meaningful. Something that will ruin fewer pants. If you don’t mind waiting a little longer, I have a lot of faith that the right person will come along, and they’ll understand and appreciate where you’re at.
But if you’re one of those people that juuuuuust would rather. get. that. virginity out of the way (which is also great), do that. Maybe—like my friend—you have a person in your life that you’d feel comfortable having your first time with. Call ’em up! Tell them the sitch! If you’re both cool and comfy with said sitch, have a drink! Do the sex! Have a laugh! Or maybe you meet someone online that you vibe with. Go on a date! Tell them the sitch! If you’re both cool and comfy with said sitch, go on another date! Do the sex!
If none of this applies to you, and you’re totally happy being a virgin (which is also also great), stick with that. There are lots of fun, sexy things to do that don’t have to involve losing your virginity. Laser tag and handjobs, for example. Sally Jesse Raphael reruns and going down on each other. Sitting next to an untouched Scrabble board and touching each other’s boobs while listening to Shania Twain. The possibilities are endless!
Maybe NONE of this applies to you and you’re totally happy being a virgin who doesn’t engage in any sexual activity (which is ALSO GREAT), so do that. What’s important is that you’re being true to yourself and not being pressured to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Anyone making you feel otherwise can go for a long trot off a tiny diving board, as the saying goes.
Goo Goo Dolls and IHOP aside, the main point I’m trying to make is, don’t worry about being “normal.” Go at your own pace. Be honest about your virginity. Let things happen on your own terms. Losing your virginity doesn’t have to be “special” in the sense that you should spend 10 years crocheting a blanket upon which you shall be deflowered, but it certainly should be special in the sense that you are in control of, and comfortable with the situation when it happens. Go forth!!