We’re Calling It: These are The Best (and Worst) Dating Apps

Welcome to ‘Schitt’s Creek’ actor Annie Murphy’s sex and relationship column, Ask AnnieThing, where you, YES YOU, can ask her your most pressing life questions. This month, she has thoughts about dating apps

by

I’ve been single for almost two years now. I’m ready to start dating again, but have had very little luck hanging out in coffee shops waiting for a romcom-worthy meet-cute. I’ve been thinking about signing up for an online dating app, but I have no idea where to start—and I want to find a genuine connection with someone. What dating app should I start out with? What should I put in my profile to find what I’m looking for?

Do you know why I chose to answer this question? I’ll tell you. Because these days, it seems like a lot of people are making a gorgeous career of talking long-windedly about things they know absolutely nothing about. And you know what? That sounds like fun and I want to try it. Here are my credentials: I am a 31-year-old woman who has been in a relationship for 11 years and has never dated before. Let’s f-cking do this.

Wait. Let me do five to seven minutes of research.

Okay, I’m back. Let’s f-cking do this. Here’s some info on dating apps, in no particular order:

Tinder

Iiiiiiiii know a thing or two about Tinder. This is because I am the person who, to the great annoyance of her friends, insists from time to time on spending 15 to 90 minutes swiping left and/or right, to do a bit of living vicariously. So what, it’s fine. Tinder is very easy to use AND, according to my highly scientific research, has a pretty friggin’ good track record of matching people who’ve gone on to triumph in the world of love. Two of my best friends—who have now been together for four years—met on Tinder. And lots of my best friends have now slept with many other people they met on Tinder. Messages can only be sent once both parties have matched, so start thinking of that opening line. Suggestions: “Hey girl, you like to snorkel?” or “If you had to either wear jeans as a shirt or a turtleneck as pants for the rest of your life, which would you choose?” You’re welcome.

Best for: Sexy times, datey times, long-y times

Bumble

As far as I know, Bumble is basically the same as Tinder, HOWEVER the messaging has to be initiated by the woman. I believe she has a cool 24 hours to start chattin’ it up. Pitch idea: 24: Bumbled, starring Kiefer Sutherland and Zooey Deschanel.

Best for: Sexy times, datey times, long-y times

Hinge

Do you love the idea of internet dating but deeply miss your friends trying to set you up with their cousin’s friend or their favourite server at that restaurant?  I have a… wait for it… hinge this might be the app for you. Hinge works through Facebook, and connects you exclusively with friends of friends, or if that pool is too small, friends of friends… of friends.

Best for: Datey times and long-y times more than sexy times

Coffee Meets Bagel

Ok, NOWWWWW we’re getting to the real underworld of online dating. Just kidding, apparently this app I’ve never heard of is very popular, too. If the idea of swiping through hundreds of hopeful, horny faces a day is an overwhelming concept, Coffee Meets Bagel might be the app for you. Instead of hundreds of hopeful, horny faces a day, you get sent ONE hopeful, horny face a day. If their hopeful, horny face matches with your hopeful, horny face… let the MESSAGING BEGIN!

Best for: Datey times and long-y times more than sexy times

Okay, now we can move on to a few of the more elite selections:

Farmers Only

You herd them. (Please enjoy my pun, thank you.) Not a farmer or a farm hand? GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!

Best for: Harvest times

Sizzl

Don’t like bacon? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE?

Best for: Greasy times

Gluten-Free Singles

Is gluten so intolerable that you refuse to be romantically involved with anyone who tolerates it?! YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

Best for: Healthy times

So.  There you go. A few (hopefully) helpful ideas about where to start your foray into the big wide world of online dating.

As for your profile, be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for. If you’re a farmer looking to eat gluten-free bacon with another farmer in a platonic fashion, put that in your profile.  If you’re a farmer wanting to eat gluten-wrapped bacon with a rodeo clown in a non-platonic fashion, put that in your profile. In this day and age, people don’t want to be f-cked with, so use a picture that actually looks like you, be clear about what you’re looking for and be clear about what you’re not looking for. There are apps that cater to just about everything and everyone these days, so get out there! And when it doubt, remember: HOSSATNTGCT (Honesty, Openness, Start Swiping And Try Not To Get Carpal Tunnel).

More Ask AnnieThing:

“How Do You Know If You’re in Love?”
“Should I Feel Badly for Still Being a Virgin?”
“Guys Keep Saying Awful Things to Me, Should I Just Give Up Dating?”

Filed under:

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

FLARE - Newsletter Signup

Subscribe to FLARE Need to Know for smart, sassy, no-filter takes on everything you're interested in—including style, culture & current events, plus special offers—sent straight to your inbox each day. Sign up here.