How to F*ck a Woman Author Gives Her Best Sex Advice

Don’t be put off by the title: television writer Ali Adler’s new book is about waaaaaay more than sex

TV writer Ali Adler (The New Normal and the upcoming SuperGirl) was sitting in a writers’ room listening to her fellow comedy writers talk about sex—which happens a lot when you’re the only woman in the room and you happen to be a lesbian, she says—when she realized that the predominantly male group was absolutely clueless. To educate her colleagues (and improve the sex lives of her fellow femmes), she took charge of the room, drawing a diagram of a vagina and teaching the men assembled how to operate that tricky bit of a machinery both wisely and well.

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How to Fuck a Woman author Ali Adler

The exercise proved fruitful, as she would learn later from a few of the guys’ respective partners, and the success of her advice gave her the impetus to write the self-help/humour tome How to Fuck a Woman: An Insider’s Guide to Love & Relationships (Weinstein Books, $27.50).

To put it mildly, Adler takes an unconventional approach to dispensing relationship advice. Edgy and tough-minded, she’s kind of like the best friend in an alternative romcom, telling you like it is, sans sentiment.

We talked to the Montreal-born, L.A.-based writer about the key to harmony in love and sex—and what makes John Stamos the perfect mate.

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How to Fuck a Woman: An Insider’s Guide to Love & Relationships by Ali Adler (Weinstein Books, $27.50).

In spite of the title, the book is not just a sexual handbook on pleasing a woman. It’s about understanding one another, period.
Absolutely. I think it’s a grabby title, but if you read past the title it really is about connecting emotionally. It’s about love and saying things out loud. It’s really about communication.

I was Googling the title a few days ago, looking for information, and just as an aside, that’s not a title you want to punch into Google…
I know. Even when you said it to me right now, I was like “Oh my god, that’s so coarse!” I understand that the title is a large one, but the content is about bringing people together.

You’re a lesbian and you say your sexual identity makes you the equivalent of Switzerland in the battle of the sexes.
Yes. I’m like holding hands between the genders. I’m not saying I’m not a female. I’m very much a female. It’s just that for some reason women will ask me questions, and men feel like they don’t have to put this filter up when they’re talking in front of me because I’m also attracted to the gender they’re attracted to. They’ll say things in front of me, like bro talk or locker-room talk, because they think I want to hear that. I don’t, really. It’s as gross as you could imagine, but they feel very comfortable.

What do men most want to know from you?
I think they want to hear salacious anecdotes about my own [sex life]. There’s some vicariousness there. They don’t ask [for advice]; they don’t engage emotionally in that way… They’re not going to ask a woman anything about form or technique because that would reveal vulnerability, or show a weakness in their perception. Obviously there are exceptions, and that’s why relationships succeed.

In the book you outline the key to harmony between the sexes. You write that “when women stop feeling long enough to be and men stop being long enough to feel,” balance is achieved. Why is it so hard for us to do that?
I think it’s really scary to be open, for men and women, and women and women, and men and men. It’s really a scary place to live. It always works better when you say out loud what you’re feeling and the other person can hear it. Whether or not they can do anything about it, it just always bridges a connection.

One of the points that struck me in the book was your idea that all the self-help advice in the world won’t save a relationship with the wrong person. I don’t think that’s emphasized enough in most books about love and sex.
Obviously I’m not a psychologist, I’m just a person who has been in relationships and has observed people in relationships, but I think we seek out the same type of person until we learn that we should try a different person, or  that we should change ourselves.

What kind of dater are you?
I was in a relationship for 10 years, and in the dissolution of that relationship I learned so much about myself and what I brought and what I needed to correct. At some point you have to acknowledge that there’s only one person you can change, and that’s yourself.

Toward the end of the book you offer some pretty detailed instructions on how to please a woman sexually…
Oh my god, that was so hard. That was the hardest chapter for me to write… I don’t want to speak for an entire gender on what all women want. I just think the greatest grace note from that chapter is, don’t just do what you want to do, be sensitive to your partner.

John Stamos makes an appearance in the book…
He’s so lovely.

He sounds lovely. How did that happen?
He ended up doing a show that I co-created called The New Normal, and we got to be friends. I was thinking how to represent a straight male POV in the book, and of course a famous POV would be great, and he came to mind as the type of person you would have a certain thing in mind about, and he’s actually such a kind, generous, loving soul. He could cruise on his looks and he really doesn’t.

He comes off as the model man in terms of your message to be sensitive and real in love and relationships. What is it about him that embodies that for you?
I think it’s like, “Can he afford to be so adorable because he’s successful and handsome?” Probably. But that could go in the other direction as well. He really is just a kind person… I don’t think it has to do with looks or money or fame. I really think it’s about enrichment of soul, and he’s had a lot of people love him, sexually and emotionally, and I think that confidence really shines through him.

Your best sex advice in a sentence or two?
Be truthful. Say what you want; don’t be afraid. Communicate. It’s such a boring answer. I wish it were “Arch your back,” but it’s really about being truthful.

Is that your best relationship advice, too?
Yeah, that’s what so funny about the book. It’s called How to Fuck a Woman, but it’s ultimately about how to connect. In sex and in life if you can be truthful, it’s like physics: what you put out you will receive.

Related:
10 Lies Movie Sex Scenes Tell Us
The Confidence Code: A Cringe-Free Guide to Confidence
Why Bad Sex Can Be a Good Thing
How to Make Consent Sexy

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