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71 Things That Are More Fun than Celebrating Trump's Birthday

Today is Donald Trump's birthday, but here at FLARE HQ it won't be double scoops all around. In fact, we'd rather do JUST. ABOUT. ANYTHING.

Donald Trump moving in and out of a garbage can with black balloons over his head

(Leo Tapel)

It’s U.S. President Donald Trump’s 71st birthday today, and we have to say it’s hard to believe just how much he has done during his seven decades here on earth. From multiple sexual assault allegations, to denying global warming and withdrawing the U.S. from an international climate change agreement, to firing F.B.I. director James Comey, Trump has a lot to commemorate (here’s an extensive list of everything he’s done lately).

While The Donald may celebrate his fleeting youth by crashing a party at one of his golf courses, or downing a fancy KFC dinner, or unleashing a Twitter tirade, here at FLARE we’re less enthused. Here’s 71 things that are more fun than celebrating Trump’s birthday.

1. Waiting in line to get a new health card picture—on the weekend
2. Watching a sex scene on TV with your parents
3. Shopping for a bathing suit in February
4. Going to IKEA with a new partner
5. Getting a Brazilian wax
6. Barfing out of a cab—and then having to pay the driver $50 for clean-up
7. Peeing in a Porta Potty while wearing a romper
8. Killing a spider in your shower
9. Watching paint dry
10. Scrapping old gum off the bottom of a chair
11. In-flight turbulence
12. Watching the “spinning wheel” on Mac computers
13. Taking a spinning class
14. Night terrors
15. Extracting partially-digested grass from your dog’s bum
16. Crossing the street on crutches whilst a major blast of wind blows your skirt over your head
17. Getting dumped via email
18. Developing a pelvic stress fracture mid-half marathon—and finishing the race
19. Sitting in front of a child who kicks the back of your seat for a 16-hour airplane flight
20. Grating fresh ginger with a low-quality grater while trying to avoid taking a chunk out of your fresh manicure
21. Going a week without showering
22. Getting a full head of highlights while battling a pounding hangover headache
23. Lugging two overstuffed suitcases down several flights of stairs
24. Eating an iPhone
25. Stubbing your toe
26. Stepping in dog poo
27. Sitting through a three-hour long keynote speech
28. Getting violently ill with food poisoning and camping out next to a toilet
29. Going on a date with Eric Trump
30. Reading Women Who Work: Rewriting the Rules for Success by Ivanka Trump
31. Finding hair in your food
32. Having the fire alarm in your building go off every morning at precisely 3:30 a.m. for one hour straight
33. Having to replace all of the liquids you consume with vodka for an entire week
34. Standing behind an old person at the grocery-store checkout who pays solely in nickels
35. Punching yourself every time Sean Spicer says he hasn’t “had a conversation with the president about that”
36. Having the flu during a week-long beach vacation
37. Picking soggy bits of fruit and other unidentified food matter out of the kitchen drain with bare fingers
38. Running into your ex on the street while you’re wearing sweatpants
39. Drunk texting your boss
40. Making it onto The Bachelor, then being picked for a 2-on-1 date
41. Hand-drying a large head of romaine lettuce, one leaf at a time, without a salad spinner
42. Accidentally hitting the “Like” button on Facebook while creeping your partner’s ex
43. Pulling a tick out of your dog
44. Dropping a steaming hot slice of pizza on the sidewalk
45. Attending Fyre Festival
46. Getting stung by a jellyfish
47. Wearing soaking wet socks all day
48. Watching Donald Trump get his spray tan
49. Cutting your legs shaving
50. Getting multiple parking tickets in the same day
51. Getting fresh bangs in May and enduring a full summer of Curly Bang Syndrome
52. Walking into a glass door
53. Changing a stinky diaper
54. Giving a presentation whilst having food stuck in your teeth
55. Cleaning up sun-baked cat barf
56. Having to tell a group of young children that Santa Claus isn’t real
57. Getting a root canal without any freezing aids
58. Cutting a lemon with an open-finger wound
59. Swimming next to a discarded Band-Aid in a public pool
60. Getting trapped on the subway in the middle of the summer—without air conditioning
61. Sitting next to an obnoxious laugher during a movie
62. Being attacked by mosquitoes
63. Listening to the sound of nails on a chalkboard for hours on repeat
64. Pumping gas in a snowstorm
65. Having sun blind you while you’re driving
66. Blowing your nose with brown paper towel
67. Going into a bathroom stall where there’s no toilet paper
68. Stepping on Lego
69. Getting catfished
70. Scrubbing every single baseboard in your house
71. Wistfully picturing Trump’s 75th birthday, when he’ll just be on a reality show instead of turning his entire country into one

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