How to Craft the *Perfect* Sexual Assault Statement

Because famous, powerful guys are busy, we crafted a lil' template to use when shit hits the fan

Comedian Louis C.K. in a black suit giving the middle finger

(Photo: Getty)

Another day, another statement released in response to sexual assault allegations, amirite?

As more and more women come forward with allegations against powerful men in Hollywood, it’s almost as if the dudes accused of bad behaviour actually have to respond. And since many men are busy producing, acting or directing—or being fathers of daughters—we thought we’d help them out when if they find themselves entangled in a scandal.

Here, how to craft the perfect response to any nasty sexual assault allegations.

Deny, deny, deny…

Take a page out of actor Ed Westwick’s notebook and claim you’ve done nothing wrong. Heck, while you’re at it, say you’ve never even met these people claiming you assaulted them. And even if you have crossed paths, you don’t remember them. This is important because a) it implies there’s no way in hell you could have assaulted them because hello, you don’t know them, and, b) it makes it seem like accusers are trying to get their 15 minutes of fame by going after a very important and famous person who is too important and famous to assault them.

Notable fans of this tactic include George Takei, Kevin Spacey and James Toback.

…but if you have to admit wrongdoing, claim it was consensual

If you can’t flat-out deny allegations because there are just too many, acknowledge that yes, you’re a human who may have misread signals, cheated on your wife or taken advantage of a situation (you’re likely a powerful man, after all)—but you’re no villain. When comedian Louis C.K. was publicly accused of sexual misconduct by five women in the New York Times after years of rumours, he admitted he did show women his dick and masturbated in front of them—but he asked them first.

“But what I learned later in life, too late, is that when you have power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isn’t a question. It’s a predicament for them,” Louis C.K. said in his statement. “The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly.”

Louis C.K.’s response makes it clear that he thought women wanted to see his dick; in fact, they were so in awe of his comedic genius that they didn’t even mind his recurring workplace harassment. His dick is like the Mona Lisa; you’ll want to look, even if you can’t touch. It can be hard for men to comprehend how powerful their penises can be, but thanks to some deep reflection, Louis C.K. gets it now.

Mention you know “women and girls”

In responding to allegations that you’ve done something terrible to a “female,” it’s important to mention that you respect and value “females” because you know some. How can someone who has some women in their life treat others so badly??? It’s impossible to fathom, really.

When Matt Damon responded to the explosive Harvey Weinstein sexual assault news, he made it clear that he did not help cover up his pal’s bad behaviour. “As the father of four daughters, this is the kind of sexual predation that keeps me up at night,” he said.

If, like Damon, you’re a father of daughters, reminding people about your progeny is VERY important. Not only does it show you’re a family man, it also implies that even if you’re BFFs with a pervo, you do. not. stand. for this type of rampant behaviour. (If you have a mother, mention that, too.)

Use sex addiction as an explanation for your behaviour

Blame your *alleged* bad behaviour on a very serious medical condition: sex addiction. Even if you don’t really know what sex addiction is, use it as a blanket term for anything from unwanted touching, masturbating in public, rape, humiliation and lewd comments made towards others.

After you’ve made it clear that a legit problem is making you behave this way, say you’ve spent “a lot of time soul searching” and have come to the realization that you’ve “hurt the people you love most.” This is also a great time to reiterate that you’re a father, husband or son, and that you know women.

Notable fans of this tactic include Harvey Weinstein, Brand New’s Jesse Lacey and Anthony Weiner.

Step away from your professional ventures, but still profit off them

When the spark has turned into a fire, it’s time to back away. While you’re caught up in sexual assault allegations, it’s a good idea to remove yourself from your professional endeavours for a period of time. Like Brett Ratner, who distanced himself from Warner Bros. projects after several women said he sexually harassed them, taking time to do you is the best move for your temporarily damaged career.

“We are confident that [Ratner’s] name will be cleared once the current media frenzy dies down and people can objectively evaluate the nature of these claims,” attorney Martin Singer said in a statement. Warner Bros. said they are “reviewing” the situation, which likely means neither party has financially cut ties just yet (lawyers ain’t cheap!).

Bottom line? Never take full responsibility and NEVER call yourself a predator or rapist. Also, try to keep your dick in your pants until things blow over—or at least until the next guy gets dragged through the mud.

Dear Louis C.K. & Sexual Predators Hiding in Feminist Communities: We See You
From Dustin Hoffman to George Takei: An Ever-Expanding List of Post-Weinstein Accusations
These Are the Worst Hollywood Reactions to the Harvey Weinstein Allegations