Pumpkin Spice Spam Is Here, and Just No

And the apocalypse is *officially* now

Katherine Singh
(Photo: Getty Images)

Well everyone, we’ve officially ruined all that is good about fall with another pumpkin spiced abomination. NBC News confirmed on August 14 that we’ll soon be able to consume the over-hyped, overly sweet and artificially tasting flavour that God wholly never intended us to, in canned cooked pork. Yep, we’re getting Pumpkin Spice Spam.

Hormel Foods Corp.—the company that manufactures Spam—said in an emailed statement to NBC News: “True to the brand’s roots, SPAM® Pumpkin Spice combines deliciousness with creativity, allowing the latest variety to be incorporated into a number of dishes, from on-trend brunch recipes to an easy, pick me-up snack.” Which honestly just sounds straight up disgusting. The only thing getting “picked up” by this flavoured Spam is my acid-reflux.

Because, this is just too far. Listen, we’ve put up with *a lot* of pumpkin spice BS: Pumpkin spice flavoured gum,  Kahlua, hummus, and kombucha for Chrissake. We’ve even put up with a pumpkin spice smoothie from Jamba Juice (Real talk: is this just blended pumpkin? Still gross). But this is the last straw.

At least those aforementioned travesties are palatable without the spice. But to throw together Spam, something that legitimately looks like one of the monsters from Stranger Things, with the nasty flavour that is pumpkin spice? No thank you, sir. These people must be smelling too much pumpkin spiced hand sanitizer.

Forget “Christian Girl Autumn” everyone, because we are officially cancelling fall. FOREVER.

For those interested, Pumpkin Spice Spam will be available for a limited time on Walmart.com and Spam.com (a Hormel rep confirmed that the brand ships to Canada!) starting September 23.

This is the apocalypse.

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