Make way, Princess Charlotte, there’s a new royal baby on board. And until his or her formal arrival, prepare thyselves for the oncoming media juggernaut. Here, a few posts I guarantee are coming soon to a media outlet near you:
1. Three- to five-hundred think pieces on the challenge of finding a worthy follow-up name to North
North West hits all the right notes as a celebrity baby name: it’s unique, it’s unisex, and it’s instantly brandable. Baby No. 2 will pose a challenge for Kimye: they obviously can’t use West, and East and South are too predicable. So they need something that mirrors the simplicity and originality of North (cross Jacob and Isabella off the list), but that’s bite-size enough to fit on the child’s future line of cashmere diaper covers. K names are clearly out, as is Caitlyn (hello there!), so we turned to Nameberry for some options: Snow, Fargo and Madoc were listed as complementary sibling options. (We won’t even bother with Theophilius.)
2. Approximately one gazillion slide shows on Kim’s killer maternity style, part deux
Even though we don’t keep up with the Kardashians, we have to give kredit where kredit (too much?) is due: last time around, Kim’s maternity style was on point, and as any preggo knows, finding stylish, non-infantile pieces can be tough. (Why do clothing lines think all pregnant women want to dress like a three-year-old on her way to Easter brunch?) For Kim, there weren’t a lot of florals—save for her Met Gala Givenchy dress—pastels or cutesy prints. She stuck to monochromatic tones and classic pieces like blazers and tank dresses, so we’re expecting much of the same.
3. A fly-on-the-wall report on Kanye as birth coach*
Does he interrupt contractions? (Yo, Kim, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best labours of all time! ) Is the birthing music iPod filled with his greatest hits, which he will then pause to go on one of his infamous rants? Will he smile when the baby is born, or is that horribly pedestrian? Has he already requested a baby-size Givenchy suit and tiny Yeezus sneakers? Is Annie Leibovitz shooting the afterbirth? The answer to all of these questions is of course yes.
*If you dream it, it will come—right?!?