It’s the day after the Golden Globes, and I already forget who won most of the real awards. Let’s be honest: what everyone will remember for years to come—aside from what everyone was wearing—is what everyone said.
Best Burn: Tiny Fey
The George Clooney zinger in Amy Poehler and Tina Fey’s opening act was even better than last year’s. “Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip,” Fey said of Clooney’s new wife. “So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”
Worst Obligatory Boobs=Globes Quip: Jeremy Renner
Co-presenting an award with Renner, Jennifer Lopez—in a classic cleavage-y dress—said, “You want me to open it? I’ve got the nails.” He replied, “OK, you’ve got the globes, too!” Cool joke, bro.
Best Obligatory Meryl Streep Compliment: Patricia Arquette
Accepting her award for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture, Arquette said, “Meryl, thank you for giving me a hug. I hope your DNA transfers to me.”
Best Self-Deprecating British Humour: Colin Firth
Presenting a clip of Best Motion Picture nominee The Imitation Game, Firth deadpanned, “I expressed interest in the part [of Alan Turing] a few years ago, but they were waiting for Benedict Cumberbatch…to be born.”
Best Not Giving of Any F’s: Ricky Gervais
The comedian was vilified for his acerbic mockery of celebrities when he hosted the Golden Globes in 2010… and 2011… and 2012. Taking the stage last night to present an award, he joked, “It’s going well, isn’t it? Let’s not ruin it by me saying…anything, really.” (Gervais was also nominated in the Self-Deprecating British Humour category.) He continued, gleefully: “No one wants to see me insult any of you rich, beautiful, over-privileged celebrities. No ordinary people at home want to see that, because you’re better than ordinary people. And you know it and they know it, deep down. I’m not going to start picking on things you’ve done: some of it immoral, a lot of it illegal. But if we’ve learned one thing, it’s that famous people are above the law, as it should be.”
Best “Surprised” Reaction: Kevin Spacey
Picking up his first-ever Golden Globe, for House of Cards—he’s also earned nods for American Beauty, Beyond the Sea and Casino Jack—the actor exclaimed, “This is the EIGHTH time I’ve been nominated. I can’t f-cking believe I won!” It’s OK to admit you wanted it.
Worst “Surprised” Reaction: Amy Adams
“To say that I am ill-prepared for this moment is a huge understatement—like, HUGE,” said Adams, who won Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical. “I didn’t even reapply lip gloss.” Mmhmm. As I said on Twitter, it’s like not shaving your legs before a date. Amy: we know you just didn’t want to jinx it.