You finally found “the one.” Now you can’t imagine anything better when it comes to every aspect of your relationship with him—that is, other than your sex life. The passion’s quickly disappearing and, though you’ve tried to spice things up, your nights at home are as painfully dull as watching a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon. Cranking up the sexual polarity in your relationship may be just what you need to keep the home fires burning.
What is sexual polarity? “The concept looks at masculine and feminine energies as archetypes, not stereotypes,” says Kim Amami, a life, sex and intimacy coach based in Vancouver. “In traditional cultural roles, a woman’s energy is more receptive and flowing, whereas men typically embody a more active take-charge energy.”
What Amami is suggesting is that this crackle of opposite energies is what ignites passion. She thinks that because men’s and women’s roles (and how they express their energies) have blurred through the years—hallelujah, equal opportunity—these cancelled-out polar energies have dampened the fire between the sheets for many couples.
So what’s Amami’s prescription for sexual polarity? She suggests women learn how to let go of control once in a while for the sake of an old-fashioned roll in the hay.
Although this means the man in the relationship is given the green light to get a little more macho (think Sam Trammell’s bold virility on HBO’s True Blood) and a lot more intense (Robert Pattinson’s hot-blooded sexiness in Twilight), Amami says that his liberated energy should inspire the same sort of burning passions from you.
It may sound like a scene out of a ’60s romance novel, but Amami insists that by having your guy take on the bedroom habits of, say, even the most iconic leading men (from Daniel Craig’s swarthy James Bond to Brad Pitt’s anything-but-timid Mr. Smith), the polarity of your roles will keep things spicy. After all, her theory suggests the more polarity you have, the more you increase sexual attraction—and she’s got happy clients she’s coached to back up her advice.
So how can you work polarity in your favour? Focus on making the bedroom a place you can completely trust as a safe environment and try surrendering to each other. Amami believes the bedroom should be the one place where you both can really let your innate energies flow, so a sharing of control is necessary. This means you can run meetings and manage everything at the office and at home, but leave the boss-lady role at the bedroom door occasionally when it comes to heating things up with your mate. “It should be the one place where Type A women don’t always have to wear a strong mask,” says Amami.
There are other subtle ways to play up your energies. When making weekend plans, for example, Amami suggests you tell him that he can plan the dates the two of you go on.
Whether it’s watching the game, going to a movie or having dinner at a certain restaurant, he should be the one setting the itinerary for a change. According to Amami, women want to be able to let go, and so, for some women, “an ideal date is when the man tells you to just be dressed and ready, that he’ll take care of everything. That way, she doesn’t have to be in control—she can just relax.”
Surprisingly, sometimes your partner doesn’t even have to be involved when it comes to increasing the polarity in your relationship; your girlfriends and his guy friends can play a part as well. Picture how you are at brunch with your BFFs—you’re communicating in a completely different way with your female friends than with your partner. “You’re your total female self,” says Amami. “This helps magnify your feminine energy, just as rock climbing with his best buds does for his male energy.”
Sue McGarvie, a clinical sex therapist based in Ottawa, agrees that playing up polarity may increase sexual chemistry, but she strongly suggests you should swap the dominating character regularly. How? She recommends switching the position of power the next time you get busy. “It’s the bouncing back and forth of roles that creates the best sexual energy between you and your partner,” says McGarvie. And what this means, ladies, is that you should jump him and let him know exactly what you’d like him to do for you in bed. Sounds like a fair deal, don’t you think?