After watching Lindsay Lohan on The View yesterday, we have some pressing matters we’d like to discuss with LiLo:
What happened to your IHOP accent?
The last time we watched a Lindsay interview, she showed up on a red carpet with a very strong “I spent sophomore year abroad” accent. She used curious idioms like “make happiness” and seemed to struggle with finding words in English, despite it being her first language. The accent, and her specific use of the phrase “the world is bigger than five”, led to some b-a-n-a-n-a-s theories about her support of the Turkish government. When she showed up on The View yesterday, she was back to her throaty American drawl—what happened to Lohanese?
Did you really see Lorne at SNL?
Lindsay mentions popping in on Lorne Michaels at 30 Rock which…I don’t know, girl. In the past, the SNL team has been mega-supportive of Lilo; that 2012 hosting gig was her 54th attempt at a big comeback. Right now, SNL is a little busy trying to dismantle a presidency so we don’t know if Lorne has time for Lindsay, especially if she’s doing the pop-in to lobby for a Mean Girls reboot. Does she use old pictures of her and Tina to get past security?
About that reboot: stop trying to make “fetch” happen
You love Mean Girls, we love Mean Girls, no one will ever stop asking you about Mean Girls. But your talk about “writing a treatment” for the sequel if Tina Fey is too busy—well, we’ve heard that before. Tina Fey is a celebrated and prolific comedy writer, so to think you can swoop in and take over the script feels like some major entitlement. Not to mention a Mean Girls project is in the works: Tina is turning it into a musical set to premiere this year in DC. At this point, Lindsay is doing more harm than good for the project.
So What If She Reads the Qur’an?
In a 2015 photo, Lindsay was spotted carrying a Qur’an and there has been intermittent online chatter that she is converting to Islam. One of the hosts brought up the photo and Lindsay responded with her wish to study many religions and said “I don’t think you should be judged on who you are by holding a book.” Things that make you go hmmmm: there are 1.6 billion Muslims in the world. If Lindsay had been holding a Bible, would she have been questioned on it? If people did take her carrying the Qur’an the “wrong way” then she should call it like it is—i.e. Islamaphobia—and not treat it like her usual “the tabloids pick on me!” gripe.
Make Lindsay Great Again
At 30, Lilo is a seasoned Hollywood vet who spent her formative years living at Chateau Marmont. From the stage mom to the rehab stays, the story has total shades of Drew Barrymore. (And look at Drew now!) The frustrating thing about rooting for LL (and we are all rooting for her!) is that she is constantly in the process of “coming back” but never quite…comes back. Instead of focusing on small parts and guest spots to build up her reputation, she jumps from one unfunded indie project to the next. Case in point: she was on The View pumping up a sizzle reel for a confusing social media charity/prank-show thing. She segues from this to wanting to make her own movies so she “doesn’t need anyone’s permission.” Films are a collaborative (and hella expensive) process and as the short-lived Lindsay series showed us, she has trouble with structure (i.e. showing up on time, keeping appointments, maintaining professional relationships). Straight after her View appearance, she took to Instagram to talk about being cast in Disney’s live-action The Little Mermaid, which is about as likely as Katy Perry and Taylor Swift working on a bop together. Pump the brakes, Linds. Start small. Better yet, write your memoir.