We Fancast the Super Bowl Half-Time Show: 5 WAY Better Alternatives to Justin Timberlake

Where's Beyoncé when you need her?!

You know how sometimes people realize Hollywood execs have made a terrible casting mistake and strive to fix it by “fancasting” the movie themselves? (Think, the internet’s obsession with Idris Elba playing James Bond, every reaction to film studios that cast white people in remakes of anime films or the 2016 internet trend of imagining John Cho in literally all of the roles.) Black Twitter recently did something similar, albeit J.K. Rowling-approved, with the hilarious and amazing #BlackHogwarts hashtag. (Hermione as a brainy, beautiful Black woman? Yaaas.)

Well, now that Justin Timberlake has revealed that he “made peace” with Janet Jackson in an interview promoting his Super Bowl performance next month, we’re feeling similarly *~inspired~*.

In an interview with Beats 1 Radio host Zane Lowe, Timberlake brushes over the impact of exposing Jackson’s nipple on national television—something that apparently didn’t bother NFL execs all that much, btw. “It wasn’t too much of a conversation,” Timberlake said. “Just one of things where you go, like, ‘What do you want me to say? We’re not going to do that again.'”

Jut a reminder: Janet Jackson is an effing musical icon who was a superstar when Timberlake was still toddling around singing into a hairbrush—and her career never recovered, post-Nipplegate. Also, Timberlake is the reason there’s a time delay on live broadcasts. But, sure, yeah, we’re glad the NFL didn’t get too worked up about his role in this “scandal.”

As for how Jackson’s bra got ripped in the first place? Apparently JT had his “wires crossed.” (WHAT.) He went on to say that, “it’s just something that you have to look back on and go, ‘Okay, well.’ You can’t change what’s happened, but you can move forward and learn from it.” When Lowe asked whether Timberlake and Jackson had done that—”move forward and learn from it”—and if they’d made peace, Timberlake replied, “Absolutely, yeah. And I don’t think that a lot of people know that. I don’t think it’s my job to do that, because you value the relationships that you do have with people.”

Uh, yeah. Strong disagree on that one, bro. It is absolutely your job to be publicly accountable for something you did, especially when it screwed over your colleague. Clearly, we’re still all about that #JusticeforJanet. So! Instead of listening to Timberlake perform songs that sound suspiciously similar to his previous work—but this time wearing a suede fringe jacket and surrounded by horses!—here are five Super Bowl performances we’d rather see.

1. P!nk and Channing Tatum

P!nk refuses to leave the field after the national anthem, even though the game is going on around her. Then, at half-time, long streamers fall—literally—from the sky, and the next thing we know, she’s wearing a bodysuit and doing an acrobatic routine to “What About Us.” Channing Tatum’s there, too. Obv.

2. Bruno Mars and Cardi B (and the entire cast of In Living Color)

Bruno Mars returns to the Super Bowl for his approximately hundredth appearance, but this time, Cardi B comes too. The duo perform “Finesse” four times in a row, with increasing rowdiness. The original cast of In Living Color makes a cameo appearance.

3. Queen Bey, duh

Sir Carter and Rumi 1 month today.

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

Beyoncé, Blue and the twins show up to perform a highly choreographed—and highly political (but still v. catchy)—new song. A top-secret visual album will drop within days.

4. Lady Gaga and Joe Biden

We bring back Lady Gaga from last year, but instead of singing anything, she and Joe Biden take us through a v. powerful PowerPoint presentation that details all the work they’ve been doing around sexual assault.

5. Ms. Jackson

Or, our fave option yet: As JT is about to start performing (probably “Filthy,” probably alongside a slew of robots who are also wearing fringe), Janet Jackson appears as if by magic and literally pushes him—and the robots—off-stage. She performs every. single. one. of our favourite bops, starting with “Rhythm Nation,” spending a lot of time in the Velvet Rope era (we really like “Together Again,” okay?) and finishing with a truly rousing rendition of “Nasty,” which just feels fitting for the Trump era, no? Also, she performs her entire set kneeling—and when she sings “I Get Lonely,” Colin Kaepernick joins her on stage and she’s not lonely anymore.

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