I’m so glad Chelsie—an incredibly sweet Season 18 comrade of mine, as well as my Miami roommate—has arrived, providing some pure-hearted distraction. She’s like the Dawn dish soap to the tough, stubbornly stuck-on grease that is the whole Samantha & Joe saga. After my rant about Dan’s passivity yesterday, I wasn’t disappointed Chelsie chose Nick for her date. However, what was up with Nick’s break-up talk with Ashley S.?
I would imagine the whole point of even speaking with Ashley S. before leaving for Chelsie’s date was meant as a gesture of cordiality and respect. Alas, you pretty much hurl both out the window when you: 1) decide to initiate a break-up conversation early enough in the day where one of you hasn’t yet brushed your teeth; 2) tell your soon-to-be-former flame she smells like a brewery; and, 3) when she’s washing her face—like, literally (where the meaning of the word literally is literally taken into consideration*) has her face in a sink—you tell her you’ll wait for her on the balcony. NO, dude. Just, no. Tell her to come find you when she’s ready. No woman likes being rushed, and most definitely not when it’s to be dumped on national television. (For future reference, we generally like to look effortlessly fabulous, like the future one-that-got-away. Is that too much to ask?) But I digress. Ages after the fact, Nick’s performance on Bachelor Pad 3 still gives me the willies so I’m clearly barking up the wrong tree here.
Fortunately for Chelsie, Nick is inexplicably hung up on Samantha despite our not seeing her acknowledge his existence for the past four episodes. (This girl must have some seriously Grade-A text banter.) He’s got some competition, however, since Dan continues to insist on sullying his good name by pursuing Samantha as well. Luckily for the rest of us, Mackenzie arrives to take Justin on a bonafide hilarious date where we learn she can’t comprehend basic hand gestures (where a circle drawn in the air would indicate a circle) and—on a first date—takes jokes about getting married way, WAY too far. The girl is a one-woman comedy act.
Speaking of comedy acts, Ashley I. was really on fire last night. I have to wonder what runs through Chris Harrison’s head when a producer calls him and says, “Dude, we need you to go hang out in that weird forest clearing/driveway/parking lot again and act surprised by the approach of [insert name of heavily-eyelashed, ropey-haired, drunken female here]. Try to keep a straight face this time.” As triumphant as Ashley I. was over her hastily-written “date card,” I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. No, not disappointed because I don’t think she should lose her virginity to a guy who blatantly keeps her at arm’s length, never lights up when she’s around, has already broken up with her once, and who never asked for her back. (Check, check, check, and check!) No, I was disappointed because it would be SO delicious to watch Jaclyn—author of some delightfully caustic ITM quips—continue to spin poor, bemused Jared in her interrogative web like the “black widow” she is.
*Take note, Ashley I.
Bachelor in Paradise:
Sharleen Joynt on Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 1
Sharleen Joynt on Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 2
Sharleen Joynt on Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 3
Sharleen Joynt on Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 4
Sharleen Joynt on Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 5
Sharleen Joynt on Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 6
Sharleen Joynt on Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 7
Sharleen Joynt on Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 8
Sharleen Joynt on Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 9
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