The Internet has been all a-twitter this past week with the news that Prince Harry—that kinda hot ginger piece who’s like fifth in line to one day rule Britannia—is canoodling with Suits actress and thus honorary Canadian Meghan Markle. (Quick shout-out to the time she made toast for us for Cooking With FLARE.) This morning, tittering exploded into an all-out web-wide squeal-fest when the legit Kensington Palace released a statement confirming the pair’s budding relationship. BUT, more importantly and more interestingly, it was the press release itself rather than the news within that that was most exciting, from the v. conversational tone to calling out racists and trolls. Let’s go through this bad boy line by line, shall we? *raises pinky daintily*
“Since he was young, Prince Harry has been very aware of the warmth that has been extended to him by members of the public.” There is already a bit of daddy-ing going on here that I v. much appreciate. The extreme disdain-slash-sarcasm oozing off that “very aware” is powerful enough to dissolve bones à la Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. Like, he hates the paps.
“He feels lucky to have so many people supporting him and knows what a fortunate and privileged life he leads.” Okay, these are some fine-ass post-modern PR bitches—immeds acknowledging General Obscene Rich Person Privilege right off the top. Well played.
“He is also aware that there is significant curiosity about his private life.” #chicunderstatement
“He has never been comfortable with this…” Sorry, daddy.
“But he has tried to develop a thick skin about the level of media interest that comes with it. He has rarely taken formal action on the very regular publication of fictional stories that are written about him…” OH SNAP SICK BURN.
“And he has worked hard to develop a professional relationship with the media, focused on his work and the issues he cares about.” I love this because it reads like Prince Harry is on a date and just wants to talk about his job as a dental hygienist and his volunteer work brushing dogs at the shelter every second Saturday but all the f-ckboy he’s begrudgingly agreed to a date with can do is stare at his tits and ask when the two of them can go back to his house to listen to his v. rare Tame Impala vinyl and drink that artisanal bourbon he’s been meaning to try. True tho. The press corps is a solid 40 percent human garbage.
“But the past week has seen a line crossed.” TBH I would’ve worded this a lot stronger—f-ck the passive voice! “You crossed a line this week, you racist trash mongers” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
“His girlfriend, Meghan Markle…” We’re just gonna v. v. v. v. v. casually bury 100 percent CONFIRMATION OF THIS ROYAL ASSIGNATION, like, 10 lines in ’cause THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS PRESS RELEASE IS ABOUT. IT’S ABOUT RACISM. AND SEXISM. So, like, the first actually-useful edict issued from the Crown in approximately four jillion years. Shit is about to get REAL, y’all.
“…has been subjected to a wave of abuse and harassment.” YAAAAAS.
“Some of this has been very public—the smear on the front of a national newspaper; the racial undertones of comment pieces; and the outright racism and sexism of social media trolls…” Quick Q: is this the first time THE BRITISH MONARCHY (and/or any monarchy) has called out trolls? It’s a neeeeew era. And I love it.
“…and web article comments.” Two steps forward, one step back. But the crusty old royal institutions can be forgiven for a li’l rusty nomenclature. They just CALLED OUT SOCIAL MEDIA TROLLS, for god’s sake. One step at a time is fine.
“Some of it has been hidden from the public…” UNTIL NOW, BITCHES. *PR lackeys set fire to weird ancient royal-people privacy protocols and dance naked around the flames, clad only in ceremonial white mink chubbies liberated from the queen’s tertiary fur cabinet and brandishing top-secret royal-only Guinness variants flavoured with gold pieces liberated from what is lovingly referred to by Prince Harry as the Scrooge McDuck room*
“…the nightly legal battles to keep defamatory stories out of papers; her mother having to struggle past photographers in order to get to her front door; the attempts of reporters and photographers to gain illegal entry to her home and the calls to police that followed; the substantial bribes offered by papers to her ex-boyfriend; the bombardment of nearly every friend, co-worker, and loved one in her life.” So, in short, tabloid journalists are filth. FILTH. For every cute pap pic of “PRINCE HARRY’S NEW GIRLFRIEND MEGHAN MARKLE TAKING THE GARBAGE OUT TO THE CURB CLAD IN BLUE JEANS, A WHITE HOODIE AND VERY FASHION-FORWARD POINTY BOOTS KDKJHCLNEIUN!!!ILUCO$NUCOUX” there is Meghan Markle’s mom dealing with a phalanx of screaming, spittle-spewing, jostling trash-hounds clambering over each other and trampling her prize rhodo beds just to get a fresh image of the mother of a person a rich dude from a rich old family is banging. GET A LIFE, THOOOOO. Don’t you care about these people’s quality of life? About the rhodos? No. You just want the pics. Which leads us to…
“Prince Harry is worried about Ms. Markle’s safety and is deeply disappointed…” OOOOHHHH YESSSSS they dropped the most powerful zing of all: THEY’RE DISAPPOINTED IN US. OH SHIT.
“…that he has not been able to protect her.” Like, not the most feminist comment—bitch can protect herself—but we will admit we have a boner regardless.
“It’s not right that a few months into a relationship with him…” (Casual.)
“…that Ms. Markle should be subjected to such a storm.” “Yes, yes, totally write ‘storm,'” giggles the nude fur-clad 4 a.m.-wasted PR associate, digging her manager in the ribs as he gleefully crosses out “hardship” and pens with his beauteous giant plume “storm” on the dainty parchment that all such announcements are crafted on in fine, fine ink.
“He knows commentators will say this is ‘the price she has to pay’ and that ‘this is all part of the game’…” Heading off those #socialmediatrolls at the pass. Very nice.
“He strongly disagrees.” K, this is another place where a more strongly worded declarative sentence might have worked better. Like, say, “F-ck right off, you slack-jawed buggers and fetid monstrous cretins of the Internet.”
“This is not a game.” PREACH, DADDY.
“It is her life and his.” Legit teared up the teensiest bit reading this bit right here.
“He has asked for this statement to be issued in the hopes that those in the press who have been driving this story…” i.e. slimy tabloid terrors and their slavering bumpkin readers, along with #socialmediatrolls
“…and pause and reflect before any further damage has done.” This pairs rill nice with the “I’m disappointed in you” bit above. Just twist the bejewelled dagger passed down from Charles II in their dirty, disrespectful ribs a little more, Hars.
“He knows it is unusual to issue a statement like this but hopes that fair-minded people…” NOT YOU, #socialmediatrolls
“…will understand why he has felt necessary to speak publicly.” And we applaud you for doing so, Prince Harry. It is refreshing and invigorating and plum wonderful to see someone so high-profile—and from a famously stuffy family and generally dust-covered milieu—call out the press and public for their racism, their sexism and the IRL damage that their kinda-gross and pretty huge appetite for any and all celeb goss can cause. It is getting worse and worse. Just as this release began trending, so, too, did further updates about the custody arrangements of Angelina Jolie Pitt and Brad Pitt. Y’know what? Maybe we don’t need to know every excruciating detail about their divorce—or anyone’s painful or private business. We owe it to Prince Harry. We owe to ourselves. We owe it to the rhodos. Have a little class.