Oscars 2017: All the Best Jokes, Speeches and Moments of the Night

The opening monologue! The jokes! The tear-inducing speeches! The hilarious moments! We're recapping all the highlights from Oscars 2017

Oscars 2017: Here are the best jokes, speeches and moments from the 89th Academy Awards

The Oscars host with the most (Photo: Getty)

It’s the biggest award ceremony of them all—the Oscars! Here are all the best moments from Oscars 2017, from Jimmy Kimmel’s killer opening monologue and best jokes to the most heart-tugging speeches and memorable moments.

Jimmy Kimmel’s Opening Monologue:

“[drops the mic Justin Timberlake tossed him post-opening number] Oh, I’ve ruined the Oscars already.”

“If NSYNC were watching it, I think there’s a good chance they’d let you back in the band.” —on Justin Timberlake’s opening number

“This is my first time here, and the way you guys go through hosts, it’s probably my last time here.”

“This Oscar ceremony is being watched in more than 245 countries that hate us.”

“The country is divided right now. It’s time to bring everyone together, so I should say something to unite us. I can’t do that. There’s only one Braveheart, and he’s not going to unite us either.”

“[to Mel Gibson] I think the Scientology is working.”

“If every person watching this show took a minute to reach out to one person, you disagree with, that you like, not as liberals or conservatives, but as Americans, we could make America great again, it starts with us. I want to start. When I first met Matt Damon, I was the fat one. We’ve had problems. He’s a selfish person; those of you who have worked with him know that. But he has changed: he could’ve taken the lead part in Manchester by the Sea for himself, but he gave that role to Casey Affleck, his childhood friend. And made a Chinese ponytail movie instead. That went on to lose $80 million. Smooth move, dumbass.”

“Maybe this isn’t a popular thing to say, but I want to thank Donald Trump. Remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars were racist?”

“This year in film, black people saved NASA, white people saved jazz. That’s progress.”

La La Land has 14 nominations: one for every year Damien has been alive. If he wins, he can go to any college he wants.”

Manchester by the Sea was produced by Amazon. If you were to buy it online, you’d get the notice ‘customers who bought this item also purchased Zoloft.’”

Related: What Exactly Happened With that Oscars Best Picture Mix-Up?

“The only happy ending this year was in the middle of Moonlight. …You didn’t watch it, did you?”

“Isabelle Huppert is with us. She is nominated for her performance in the movie Elle; on behalf of everyone here, we didn’t see Elle, but we absolutely loved it.”

“Hollywood is actually very welcoming to outsiders. We don’t discriminate based on what country people come from. We discriminate based on age and weight.”

“Andrew Garfield lost 40 pounds for his movie Silence. It’s an astonishing transformation that hasn’t been attempted since every actress for every movie ever.”

“It’s Meryl’s 20th Oscar nomination. She wasn’t even in a movie this year, actually; we just wrote her name down automatically.”

“It’s important we take a second to appreciate what is happening here. Some of you get to come up here and give a speech that the president will tweet about during his 5am bowel movement tomorrow.”

“First up is the supporting actor category. That’s what most actors’ parents are doing: supporting actors.”

Presenter Bits:

 “In these troubled times, what the world really needs is Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson singing a song from his hit movie, Moana.” —Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

“I wish someone had warned me that a young, slender Sal Mineo was hosting tonight.” —Vince Vaughan

“That’s the nicest welcome I’ve had in 250,000 years.” —Shirley Maclaine

Winner Speeches:

“My grandma would want me to button up.” —Best Supporting Actor winner Mahershala Ali

“I am from Italy and work around the world. This is for the immigrants!” —Best Makeup winner Alessandro Bertolazzi

“Sting told me I was going to win tonight but I didn’t believe him” —Best Costume Design winner Colleen Atwood

“I want to acknowledge that I wouldn’t be standing here tonight if not for two people who aren’t here with us: Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown, this is for them and their families. It is also for the victims of police violence, police brutality, racially motivated violence and criminal injustice. This is their story as well as Ron and Nicole’s.” —Best Documentary winner Ezra Edelman

“People ask me, What kind of stories do you want to tell, Viola? We want to exhume those bodies, exhume those stories. The stories of people who dreamed big and didn’t see those come to fruition. Those who fell in love, and lost. I wanted to become an artist and thank god I did because we are the only profession that celebrates what it means to live a life. Here’s to August Wilsin, who exhumed and exalted the ordinary people.” —Best Supporting Actress winner Violas Davis

“I’m sorry I’m not with you tonight. My absence is out of respect for the people of my country and those of other six nations whom have been disrespected by the inhumane law that bans entry of immigrants to the U.S. Dividing the world into the us and our enemies categories creates fear. A deceitful justification for aggression and war. These wars prevent democracy and human rights in countries which have themselves been victims of aggression. Filmmakers can turn their cameras to capture shared human qualities and break stereotypes of various nationalities and religions. They create empathy between us and others. An empathy which we need today more than ever.” —Best Foreign Film Asghar Farhadi

“If I start going through names, I could make at most 20 to 30 people happy, but I’ll make about a couple hundred million people really bored. So I’ll just leave it at everybody whose work is onscreen in any way in this movie.” —Best Score winner Justin Hurwitz

“I tell my students that I teach sometimes, be in love with the process, not the result, but I really wanted this result because a bajillion people are watching and all you people out there who feel like there’s no mirror for you, that your life is not reflected, the Academy has your back, the ACLU has your back, we have your back. And for the next four years, we will not leave you alone, we will not forget you.” —Best Adapted Screenplay winner Barry Jenkins

Related: Check Out the Complete Oscars 2017 Winners List

“I also want to say thank God for my mother who proved to me through her struggles and the struggles that Naomie Harris portrayed for all of you that we can really be here and be somebody. Two boys from Liberty City, up here on this stage, representing 305. This goes out to all those black and brown boys and girls and non-gender conforming who don’t see themselves, we’re trying to show you, you and us.” —Best Adapted Screenplay winner Tarrell Alvin McCraney

“To our whole crew, everyone that put their heart and souls into this film, I’m gonna find you all individually and I’m gonna thank you, along with my friends who I love so much—I’m gonna hug the hell out of you when the feeling reenters my body.” —Best Actress winner Emma Stone

Best Jimmy Kimmel Banter:

“This is the part of the show where everyone has hope: it’s before people start losing and you know you taped your dress to your boobs for nothing.”

“It’s been an amazing year for comic book movies. Dr. Strange was nominated for Best Visual Effects. And was also named secretary of housing and development.”

“‘Almost midway through the broadcast, the crowd turned on Kimmel after he made a tasteless joke about our beloved OJ.’”

“Now a rarity: a president who believes in both the arts and sciences. Here is Cheryl Boone Isaacs, president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.”

“Our next presenter is a star of Hacksaw Ridge, which is the story of a conscientious objector who decided to work with Mel Gibson, anyway.”

“I don’t know if anyone is going to be able to give a speech after that. Everyone was crying. Violas Davis already nominated for an Emmy for that speech.”

“What is production design, anyway?”

“This is Ryan Gosling. Don’t look directly in his eyes.”

“Don’t be deceived: this is not a homeless vagrant.” —On Casey Affleck

“We’re two hours into the show and Donald Trump hasn’t tweeted at us once and I am starting to get worried about him.”

“[to Lin-Manuel Miranda] It’s nice being able to see you in a theatre without paying $10,000.”

“[on La La Land mistakenly being announced as Best Picture winner] I blame Steve Harvey for this. I’d like to see you get an Oscar anyway. I wish we could give out a whole bunch of ’em!”

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