Celebrity

Dear Baby Bear, What Were Your Celeb Parents Thinking?!

Former One Direction heartthrob Liam Payne and pop star Cheryl Cole have finally revealed the name of their newborn son

Liam Payne and partner Cheryl Cole have named their son Bear

(Photo: Rex Shutterstock)

Welcome to this star-studded world, baby Bear! As the newborn son of One Direction hottie Liam Payne and The X Factor judge Cheryl Cole, it’s safe to say your life is going to be anything but conventional. And if news of your birth wasn’t enough to send the internet into a frenzy, the confirmation of your *unique* name via your dad’s Twitter on Tuesday has made you an instant celebrity. Congratulations, Bear, you’ve officially accomplished more than most of us.

You were born weeks ago on March 22, lovingly embraced by your 23-year-old dad and 33-year-old mom. When you arrived, papa Payne took to Instagram to say it was a moment he would never forget, and his favourite memory in life so far (to be fair he hasn’t even hit his mid-20s so take that compliment with a grain of salt). The photo your parents shared of you on social media was liked by nearly three million people collectively, which is nearly three million more likes than any pic I’ve ever posted.

Liam Payne holding his baby boy, Bear Payne, in a photo posted to his Instagram account

(Photo: instagram.com/liampayne)

You may go through life wondering why, oh why were you named after a large, heavy animal that is known to rustle through unattended garbage. The answer is simple: you’re a child of two celebrities. As you will soon learn, it is not socially acceptable for stars to name their offspring just anything. Celebs’ kids need to have names that stand out and distinguish them from the rest of us common folk. Take for example 5-year-old Blue Ivy, the prodigy child of Beyoncé and Jay Z. Earlier this year, Queen B applied to trademark her youngster’s name so it could be used to launch a line of Blue Ivy beauty products. BEAUTY PRODUCTS BY A PRE-SCHOOLER!!! This is the world you were brought into. Enjoy.

By the time you are old enough to come to the realization that your name is Bear Payne, you may start to resent your parents. Bear in mind, if you go to school in L.A., you’ll have no trouble fitting in with the Apples and the North Wests of the world, but you may have a harder time if you want to live life under the radar. If this is the case, a name change is always an option. Take a lesson from Duncan Jones, née Zowie Bowie, son of the late David Bowie, who changed his name so he could establish himself as an individual. He’s still relatively famous, TBH, but at least his name no longer rhymes.

There is a bright side to your uncommon name. There’s tons of great associations with bears—like teddy bears, delicious bear claw pastries, large, cumbersome men. Plus, there’s other Bears out there too, like British TV host Bear Grylls and Kate Winslet’s three-year-old son, Bear Blaze. You guys should get together and start a cub club!

All jokes aside, Bear, I hope you grow into your name—especially since your parents apparently spent a long time deciding on it. And even if you don’t, remember, things could be worse: you could be one of rocker Frank Zappa’s kids named Moon Unit, Dweezil, and Diva Thin Muffin. By comparison, your name is almost bearable.

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