Entertainment

Life Lessons from Kim Kardashian: Hollywood

This insanely popular app is Mrs. West's world view, pixellated

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The Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app feels like a curiously modern Cinderella story, as reimagined by the guys at TMZ. In it, you’re a lowly Cinderella-type working a dead-end retail job and Kanye’s muse is your bootylicious fairy godmother who just happens by after-hours to change your life because damn, girl, you’re cute. This fairy godmother doesn’t trick you out fabulously for Prince Charming, however; instead, she primps and primes you for D-list celebrity.

Yeah, it’s a pretty low-rent dream. But KK:Hollywood is not a game for idealists, but rather a game of opportunity for game opportunists. Here five KK:Hollywood truths to ponder.

Talent schmalent! Can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t act your way out of a parking ticket? Not a problem. In KK: Hollywood, talent is not an issue—or even a topic of discussion—when it comes to the pursuit of celebrity. What you do need, though, is a chance encounter with Kim to kickstart your kareer as a…hmm, what exactly? A D-list celebrity.

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‘Become a D-list celebrity’ is a solid life goal. I didn’t make that up. That is the goal of the game, at least in the beginning, to ‘become a D-list celebrity’ and to do so under the tutelage of Kim K, Queen of the Ds. To make your mark, you need to look good, so dress appropriately. “Keep on top of current fashion to maximize your fame,” is a game prompt. Unfortunately, the wardrobe you’re given to pick from—cleavage-baring tanks circa 1997, and generic skin-tight dresses–doesn’t really fulfill that mandate very well.

This fame stuff is really easy! After Kim K. gives you the onceover and declares you have a good look, then the rest of your journey is a cakewalk. Or bus trip (there’s a lot of getting on the bus in the game, like Kim has ever taken one). In no time, she sets you up with a manager and then you’re off to your first photo shoot. Don’t waste time questioning why you’re at a photo shoot and what you need a manager for, just get out there and network, girl! “Flirt with people to add them as contacts for dating, or network with them to help you with professional gigs,” is another helpful prompt.

Becoming a D-list celebrity is a remarkably boring process. The most surprising part of the game is how truly boring the journey to become a D-lister is, a path that turns out to be an endless round of photo shoots, wardrobe changes, and oddly stilted networking opportunities. And did we mention the number of bus rides? Are there no cabs in L.A.?

Doing nothing for fame is addictive! KK: Hollywood rewards you with money, status and opportunity for performing the most mundane tasks—open the door, get dressed, smile, flirt, say ‘OK’, adopt a stray cat. (Kim is, after all, an animal lover.)

Weirdly, doing a whole lotta nothing for D-list fame is surprisingly addictive (just don’t take the bait and buy upgrades with your real-life cash). To do so little for so much in return—it’s the inverse of everything your mother ever told you about work and life, but it’s a pretty apt definition for reality stardom. That and ka-ching! The Hollywood Life app is reportedly on track to earn $200 million this year.

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