Oh, Katy Perry. Girl has dated some d-bags. Hell, she was even married to one, comedian Russell Brand, who’s been forever relegated to a-hole status because telling a person you wish to divorce them VIA TEXT MESSAGE is patently unforgivable.
But the list goes on.
Katy’s most recent boyfriend Orlando Bloom—hilarious naked paddleboard ride aside—proved himself to be smarmy from the get-go with pap shots of him looking way too cozy with someone who looked way too much like Selena Gomez.
She has also canoodled with known playboy Diplo.
And then there was John Mayer. The whiny singer, who she dated on and off from 2012 to 2014, who romanced Minka Kelly, Jennifer Aniston and Taylor Swift in quick succession. The same dude who said his ex-GF Jessica Simpson was “like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm—sexual napalm.” The man wrote a ballad called “Your Body Is A Wonderland”—wasn’t this our first clue he was a knob?
Now Mayer’s blabbing in a new interview with The New York Times about how his new song “Still Feel Like Your Man” (barf) is obviously about Katy Perry because “who else would I be thinking about?” since she was his only serious relationship in the last five or six years. The cheesy-as-hell track contains such trash lines as “I still keep your shampoo in my shower in case you want to wash your hair.” JOHN MAYER, HEAR THIS: KATY PERRY WILL NEVER WASH HER HAIR IN YOUR DUMB SHOWER AGAIN.
Katy Perry is a bad b-tch: talented, beloved, driven, politically engaged, fearless. But, like so many awesome women—and if you’re reading this, you might even be one of them—she has garbage taste in dudes and tends to go back to the same kind of man: the wild, artistic, charming, man-about-town who always disappoints in the end. So I have two requests. Firstly, John Mayer: don’t try to get back together with Katy Perry. Leave her alone. Do not text her. Stop talking about her in interviews to try and sell more copies of your album. And Katy Perry, giiiiiiirl. Do not consider reuniting with this absolute troll. You can do infinitely better. Or, better yet, just stay single until a man so great comes along, he can’t be ignored.