Celebrity

If the Oscars Gave No Effs: 5 Categories We’d Love to See

The real Oscars can be, let’s face it, kinda blah (except for the red carpet, of course). May we suggest Academy Awards for Best Tracy Anderson Body, Best I Don’t Even Care That I Wasn’t Nominated, and more

Keystone Press

(Photo: Keystone Press)

It’s almost time for the Academy Awards—that prestigious night once a year when Hollywood’s best and brightest come together to ask, “What the hell is she wearing?” While the red carpet is always a good show, the ceremony itself is often accused of being boring. Out of touch. Stodgy. Self-important. Too long, and uneven in pacing (consider the maddening tradition of letting the early award speeches go long and then cutting off the biggies at the end of the night).

Wethinks a refresh might be in order (because has anybody actually watched an animated short, ever?). We’d like to imagine a different type of Academy Awards ceremony—the kind that showcases the achievements we want to see: Best Weinstein Film that Muscled Its Way Into Best Picture! Best Strategic Seating Plan to Ensure Two Exes Aren’t Seen in the Same Shot! Best Exasperated Answer During a Giuliana Rancic Interview!

May we humbly suggest a new batch of awards for 2016?

Best Tracy Anderson Body
The pint-size personal trainer is the most influential body sculptor in Hollywood (think of her as a Rachel Zoe for glutes).

The nominees are…

Gwyneth Paltrow
Jennifer Lopez
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Jenna Dewan Tatum
Amy Adams

And the Oscar goes to… Gwyneth Paltrow, who is clearly Anderson’s most influential client turned business partner. Gwyneth’s lithe figure and spiderweb of famous contacts makes her a dream brand ambassador.

(Photo: Getty Images)

(Photo: Getty Images)

Best Whatever I Don’t Even Care That I Wasn’t Nominated I’m Totally Over It

The nominees are…

Jennifer Aniston (Cake)
Sienna Miller (American Sniper)
Jessica Chastain (A Most Violent Year)
Angelina Jolie (Unbroken, Director)
Amy Adams (Big Eyes)

And the Oscar goes to… Jennifer Aniston, who made an admirable push for a Best Actress nomination despite the fact that no one has seen Cake. Like literally no one.

(Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage/Getty Images)

(Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage/Getty Images)

Best Julia Roberts

To be eligible for this award, you must present an award to someone else but make the moment entirely about you (remember when Julia presented Best Picture at the Critics’ Choice Awards and used the opportunity to talk about herself?). Toothy grin and honking goose laugh optional.

The nominees are…

Sienna Miller
Gwyneth Paltrow
Oprah Winfrey
Matthew McConaughey

And the Oscar goes to… Sienna Miller. Remember when she used to be the it-girl with a trail of broken hearts, splashy tabloid headlines and foot-in-mouth interviews? Yes, Sienna’s gone from boho ingenue to Serious Actress, but we know that somewhere in there is the fame-seeking attention hound we knew and loved.

(Photo: Jim Smeal/BEImages/Rex USA)

(Photo: Jim Smeal/BEImages/Rex USA)

Best Potential for an Adele Dazeem Moment

Please, please, please, please let John Travolta intro one of these actors. The result could be another classic cock-up video that still gets a weekly YouTube watch.

The nominees are…

Benedict Cumberbatch
Chiwetel Ejiofor
Lupita Nyong’o
Marion Cotillard
Ansel Elgort

And the Oscar goes to… Martha Tayzlor (that’s my Travoltified name).

Best Just Give Me the Bloody Thing Already

Julianne Moore. Because Cuba Gooding Jr. has one, and Julianne has none. Because Hilary Swank has two, and Julianne has none. If she doesn’t walk away with the Best Actress statue, we can only assume there is a sinister anti-ginger campaign at work.

(Photo: David Fisher/Rex/REX USA)

(Photo: David Fisher/Rex/REX USA)