If you missed Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest Bazaar cover story, the takeaways are as follows: She enjoys grocery shopping in a bikini, her dad once called her an asshole and, oh yeah, she’s best buds with Beyoncé. But of course that last bit we already knew, right? Because while Gwyn may have switched diet plans and hair styles and even husbands over the years, her dedication to bragging about her friendship with Beyoncé has been steadfast. It comes in many forms (blatant, humble, Instagrammable), but the message is more or less the same: I’M BROS WITH BEYONCÉÉÉÉ.
Here, a decade-long chronicling of Gwyneth’s serial Beyoncé bragging (which began as a brief history until we realized there is nothing very brief about it).
Fall 2006: The Paltrow-Martins meet the Carter-Knowleses one fateful night at an undisclosed benefit. Gwyneth said the foursome shared a “vibe.”
March 2007: Gweyoncé make their red carpet debut at the Oscars. Like all good celebrity power couples, they keep quiet about their budding relationship, though certainly Gwyneth knows a picture like this is worth a thousand brags.
April 2008: Gwyneth and Chris are on the super exclusive guest list for Bey and Jay’s April 2008 wedding in NYC. It’s all very hush hush and may have stayed that way had it not been for this totally unplanned and not at all welcome paparazzi snap. Note that when you really don’t want to be captured on film you duck down like Chris is doing. When you want the entire world to know that you’re attending Beyoncé’s wedding, you do what Gwyneth is doing.
June 2009: During an appearance on the “Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” GP low-key references her famous friend, telling Conan: “We actually call [Moses] our ‘Sensitive Thug,’ which is a line from a Jay-Z song” even calling the Jigga Man “uncle Jay.” A masterful backend brag and the first time Gwyneth talks about her relationship with Jay-Z. It will not be the last.
June 2010: A year later, Paltrow escalates her friendship privilege, telling Ellen that Beyoncé is “kind of nauseating…she’s so perfect that it’s hard to take.” She did not add, “We’re such good pals that I can totally call her nauseating and she will think it’s totally hilarious because we’re totally such great pals.” But she may as well have.
Nov 2010: Speaking to Access Hollywood after her “Country Strong” performance at the CMAs, Gwyneth explains that she’s “lucky to know some singers in real life.” Why Gwyneth…who ever could you be referring to? That same week, Bey tagged along on an after school pick-up, which from a brag standpoint, is huge. It’s one thing to hobnob at Hollywood parties, but mommy errands??!!
Feb 2011: Following the same M.O. as the CMAs, Gwyneth performs at the Grammys and then later explains how she sought advice from her vocal fairy god bestie: “Beyoncé [was] like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we were at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’” Can you even count the number of Bey brags that are wrapped up in that statement? Also: Indian. Dance.
March 2011: In an interview with Harper’s Bazaar U.K., Gwyneth is yet again spewing Beyoncé praise: “She has so much mastery over what she does. It’s not even confidence—it’s on a whole other level. It’s mind-blowing.”
April 2011: Gwyneth interviews her pal Jay-Z for the GOOP website at one point shoe-horning this mega-brag into a question: “As someone who has walked through museums with you, eaten with you, heard music with you, I know firsthand how creativity in all areas lifts your consciousness.” We get it Gwyneth—you hang.
Feb 2012: The birth of Blue Ivy Carter is revealed to the masses via a Tweet from Gwyneth: “Welcome to the world Blue! We love you already.” A classic social media humble-vague. Gwyneth Paltrow, she’s just like us…
Feb 2012: …except when she buys $1,000 strollers for her friends’ kids, which of course she did for baby Blue. (Smells like someone is working overtime to earn the Aunt G title).
Feb 2012: Another interview with Harper’s Bazaar. Once again Gwyneth wants us to know that she has a backstage pass to B’s life, discussing the time when her pal performed (while secretly pregnant) at Glastonbury: “She was absolutely incredible, especially as she was barfing in between.”
May 2012: Someone is really getting the hang of this humble brag thing.
Feb 2013: This casual anecdote, which she shared with Vogue, shows a true mastery of her art form: “Blue was sleeping in [Beyoncé’s] arms, across her body, and B was listening back to what she had been working on. I thought, This is how you do it. You do what you love with who you love included.” You see what she did there, right? Note: Gwyneth is a brag professional. Do not try this at home.
April 2013: Gwyn shows off her best Jay and Bey impersonations on a highly embarrassing segment on Ellen. (While likely intended as a brag, this represents a low point on Gwyneth Bey-brag Beyoncé timeline. Watch the clip, and the only thing you’ll be thinking is “Has this woman ever even heard of Jay-Z?”)
September 2013: Intent on redeeming herself, Gwyneth is back on Ellen and back to her favourite strain of gloating. Scroll to the two-minute mark to witness what is maybe the most embarrassing brag ever. Moses Martin is six-years-old at this point, and I’m pretty sure he is aware of the fact that music stars are famous, what with his rock star father and all. So many of Gwyn’s brags are calculated, but this one seems so obviously try-hard.
Jan 2015: A consciously uncoupled Paltrow appears on “Watch What Happens Live” explaining that the best part of being pals with Bey is getting unlimited access to Blue Ivy, who is (per Gwyn), “a powerhouse,” and “the boss of everything.” Of course the real message here is Beyoncé has a lot of friends, but only a few of us are tight with her mini me.
January 2015: Speaking with Howard Stern, Gwyneth explains that she was on the horn to Beyoncé as soon as the whole Solange elevator dramz went down at the 2015 Met Gala: “If any of my friends have anything like that, I call right away. Absolutely. If someone’s clearly going through something, I always go straight for it,” she explained, leaving no question as to her inner-circle status.
Sept 2015: Just a theory here, but it’s possible Gwyneth joined Instagram for the express purpose of Beyoncé bragging/pretending to eat carbs. There’s this Happy B-day flashback from Bey’s 34th, this photo of Apple’s b-day party (note the uncredited Blue Ivy cameo), this photo of the next-gen besties on Superbowl Sunday, and this recent photo of Apple and Ninah captioned “Happy birthday dearest Ninah! We love you so much!” Ninah would be Ninah Moolchan, as in Beyoncé’s childhood bestie, who is apparently Gwyneth’s bestie too now. Because they’re just that close.
April 2016: Gwyneth tells SeriusXM that “Drunk In Love” is her go-to dance jam and also hints that she may have heard an advanced copy of the still-unreleased Formation album. Because of course she has.
October 2016: Which brings us to the most recent Harper’s interview, in which she describes Bey as totally shy and down to earth, but apparently unwilling to put bread and cheese to pan (??) which is why (as per Vanity Fair) “Gwyneth Paltrow is the grilled cheese maker in her friendship with Beyoncé.” Ugh. Time to reorganize those #lifegoals.