Entertainment

Six Suggestions for Drake’s Classy New Strip Club

Fellow national treasure Monica Heisey has a few ideas for the 6ix God's latest venture

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So. Our sweet 6ix baby Drake is opening a strip club in Houston, Texas. According to the man himself, the “classy” establishment—which will open next year—will be about dance culture and the local music scene in Houston, a place where “the women are on a pedestal” (somewhere, a tired Rihanna nods her weary head), and the surroundings are at once “unforgettable,” “honest” and “genuine.” It will be called…. The Ballet.

Drake!!!! The name is fun, the logo is terrible, and overall I would really like to go to this club. I recently spent a few very pleasant, if dimly-lit, hours eating oysters at Fring’s, the Toronto restaurant Drake co-owns, and to be honest the addition of a few expertly shaken butts would have really added to the experience. Below, I humbly submit a few design and presentation ideas for the forthcoming Ballet.

1. OVO thongs ’n easy-off tops for dancers
I kind of can’t believe this isn’t already a thing. While Drake’s clothing line has delved heavily into terrycloth of late, I would suggest a more moisture-wicking material for dancers. Maybe OVO tearaways?

2. Men’s night
I am all about a fun night of consensual nudity between adults, paying or otherwise. But why let customers who want to ogle women have all the fun? If Channing Tatum and his intrepid pals have taught us anything, it’s that people love to see a hot body disrobed, gender-irrelevant. Not only would this bring a more varied clientele to The Ballet, think of the effect it could have on the lyrics coming out of Houston. I for one am very interested in hearing Drake’s opinion of a man who’s started wearing less and going out more.

3. 1-800-Hotline-Bling phone booth
Just a flip phone attached to a pole so you can call your boo (and tell them you’re coming home late).

4. Rihanna corner
I haven’t worked the specifics of this out exactly, but it’s only fitting that a Drake endeavour would feature a shrine to his long-standing love, a woman who has moves any dancer—ballet or otherwise—would covet. Should it be an animatronic Rihanna that only dances for Drake himself? A photo of RihRih to which visitors must swear their fealty before entering the club proper? A tattoo station that gives out camo sharks for all? Takeaway wineglasses for the road? Just spitballing here. We’ve got options.

5. Please, please, bring back the flying stripper pole
Flying high above the crowd on a stupid little sex pole is one of my favourite things that Drake has ever done. But it is such an impotent gesture if you’re not going to grind on it, Drake! You are effectively riding an erotic Segway! Give that hover-pole to a talented dancer who can work it like it deserves.

6. Cushy, deluxe private rooms
To talk about your feelings! (This is Drake, after all.)

Drake, these are great ideas. Hit me up!

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