5. Niall: We didn’t even know this person was in One Direction. Isn’t he just Harry’s less hot baby brother?
Post-1D Highlight: N/A. We’ll all be asking “Niall who?” in T-minus 5.
4. Louis: Louis has got some pretty big responsibilities waiting for him on the other side of the new year. With a baby on the way (and vows to be an uber-present father), we’re not sure how much time he’s going to have to dream up lyrics for serenading 13-year-old girls (all while wearing tasteful Saint Laurent T-shirts, obv).
Post-1D Highlight: In fifteen years he’ll be the hot dad whose kids’ friends ask what Liam was like before his downward spiral (see below).
3. Liam: We’re envisioning a Joey Fatone-style story arc for poor Liam. The handsome member, whose rugged good looks are undeniable, kind of gives the impression he’s just along for the ride. Once his cornfed bod betrays him and he puts on a few extra pounds, he’ll likely disappear for a year or ten.
Post-1D Highlight: Signing onto Season 78 of Dancing With the Stars after losing 30 of the 80 pounds he gained since the dissolution of the band.
2. Harry: The band member that everyone was certain was the Timberlake of the group is, in all likelihood, too boring to be a 21st century star. After some initial excitement (random collabos and a token movie role or two) he’ll enjoy low-level success as a writer for other artists, while releasing an album of his own filled with inconsequential but enjoyable music approx. every three to seven years.
Post-1D Highlight: Being nominated for Best Pop Vocal Album at the Grammys… and losing.
1. Zayn: Undoubtedly the most musically talented of the group, Zayn is, frankly, also the most bold and interesting. (We all remember the escort scandal, right?) Already crowned a fashion darling with front-row appearances at men’s spring shows such as Valentino and Louis Vuitton, Zayn is only months away from achieving the coveted cool-status blessing of the indie mag industry.
Post-1D Highlight: Experiencing survivor’s guilt while sitting in his restored firehouse-turned-West-Village-home and watching the failed members of One Direction reunite on a morning show à la S Club. He sheds a single tear as he looks back on his 1D days with shame—like Mark Wahlberg remembering Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch.