5 Bunz Trading Zone Deals Too Embarrassing to Post

Comedian Monica Heisey shares the hilarious online trades she would probably never post (but secretly wishes she could)

bunz trading zone

By now, you’ve probably heard of a magical place on Facebook called Bunz Trading Zone. If you’re really lucky, maybe you’ve traded an old T-shirt for a few tokens, or a six-pack of craft beer for a nice new armchair. With over 30,000 members, a new app and a spate of recent press coverage, the “secret” Facebook bartering group (no cash allowed) created by Emily Bitze in 2013 is truly popping off. Group members post what they have up for trade, or what they’re In Search Of (ISO), and other members make offers, flirt with each other and debate whether the item up for trade is or is not offensive. While enterprising Bunz users have traded VHS pornography, partially eaten luxury meats and, famously, a bag of dicks, there are a few trades I haven’t quite worked up the nerve to post.

Is anyone interested in a huge bag of dust and cat litter scrapings? Basically I just cleaned my house, don’t have any extra bag tags, and would love to trade my weird garbage to one lucky fetishist and/or ambitious art student (it’s really up to you what you do with it).

ISO: One DQ® SKOR® Treatzza Pizza®, absolutely no judgement of how dusty my home must have been to produce so many bags of filth.

Looking to trade three large glasses of wine at my house.

ISO: One (1) kind-faced woman to tell me she ran into my ex on the street and that he looked sad and bad, like something had just gone wrong that day but also one very major thing had gone wrong (see: losing me). Also a couple of TTC tokens—it’s really nice wine.

I’m very good at talking to people’s moms. Would be happy to supply an evening of conversation with the mom of your choosing! Can do it as you over the phone (can do Irish, French and Comedy German accents), or I can spill the beans to your mom and hope she goes with it. I promise not to bring up your current partner or any illegal recreational activities you may or may not participate in.

ISO: Three DQ® SKOR® Treatzza Pizzas®, roomy size L clothes from Aritzia.

I have an old blender with no lid for trade. It works almost perfectly if you don’t mind scraping your smoothies off the ceiling and counter! I recently replaced my shake-based diet plan with a dance-based fitness plan, so I don’t have much need for a blender but WOULD love to hit the town to show off my new moves with musical artist and personal hero Rihanna!

ISO: An evening in the company of you, beloved daughter of Barbados and popular singer Robyn Rihanna Fenty. You’ll spend the evening telling everyone that I am your best friend, and that you gave Drake my phone number and he seemed “pretty into it.” Please remember: this trade is only open to Rihanna, thanks!!

For Trade: a large bag of lightly-used dildos, six or seven full hams, an old cat with one janky ear, three locally sourced antler sets, crystals my aunt SWEARS have magic powers, a stick’n’poke tattoo, my roommate’s weed, half a birthday cake, some lightly-used luxury face cream, various gift cards, a large, authentic jukebox from the ’50s, and a hat that’s just not really working for me.

ISO: Someone to tell my roommate I’m sorry for hoarding all this weird shit in our apartment in the hopes of one day becoming king of the Bunz. Alternately, if you are a DQ employee willing to leak the secret recipe for DQ®’s SKOR® Treatzza Pizza®, I will give you all my treasures. Or, like, some tall cans. NAME YOUR TRADE!

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