This week, fans of Gilmore Girls (so, like, everyone?) were finally granted our wish when Netflix turned fairy godmother and announced four 90-minute movies, which will hopefully answer the remaining questions the beloved series left us with when it wrapped in 2007. Here’s what we imagine will go down in the much (much, much) anticipated revival.
Richard Gilmore’s Funeral
It’s sad, for sure, but actor Edward Hermann’s death will have to be addressed in the Gilmore world. (We don’t even want to entertain the idea of a Richard replacement.) Her grandfather’s passing is also a convenient excuse for Rory to return to her hometown on a more permanent basis. (In truth, like many grads from her era, she’s probably unemployed and suffering from the boomerang effect, but that’s a different episode.) Because a funeral is a bit too heavy for the perky, quirky residents of Stars Hollow, they decide to throw a huge party instead, which includes Kirk belting out, “The Wind Beneath My Wings” and, inexplicably, a ferris wheel. Dean pops up to pay his respects, and thankfully without his stupid haircut:
“Where have you been all these years? You sort of disappeared,” says Rory. “Fighting evil supernatural beings,” says Jared Palecki. Awkward pause. “I wish Jess was here.” “Of course you do.”
Emily’s widowhood ushers back those awkward/hilair Friday night dinners—but Luke is discouraged from joining. (“He’ll have to take off that tacky baseball cap, Lorelai!”)
Luke and Lorelai’s Wedding
It’s likely that “Lorke” either eloped or is pretending to enjoy the longest engagement ever. (“We’re like Kurt and Goldie!” Lorelai insists.) In any case, viewers need to see these two finally tie the knot. But conflict arises when Emily demands throwing her only daughter a “proper” Connecticut fancy schmancy wedding, while laidback Lorelai prefers to celebrate at a casual backyard BBQ fest catered by BFF Sookie.
“Barefoot? Who doesn’t wear shoes to her own wedding??” spits Emily.
The pair eventually call a truce when Lorelai agrees to wear Emily’s treasured Louboutins: “You know why my soles are red, Luke? Because my feet are bleeding!”
Paris Joins an Ashram
Because Danny Strong (Doyle) is busy running an Empire (he’s an exec-producer and writer), while Liza Weil (Paris) is learning How to Get Away With Murder (playing assistant Bonnie Winterbottom), it’s doubtful these two will reunite. We imagine their breakup was exhausting (and irritating), so post-split Paris runs off to have her own Eat Pray Love experience, including joining an ashram and delving into transcendental meditation. She returns renewed, her previous type-A personality is now weirdly mellow (she commits to juicing and yoga on the daily) and she writes a book detailing her experience, which becomes a bestseller (Rory is major JEALZ). Her mega success goes to her head, though, and the old Paris reemerges—thank god.
Rory Dates in the 2010s
We last saw Rory in an analong-ish era when she had just broken up with Logan and was about to embark on the campaign trail with Obama. We’re pretty sure her packing list didn’t even include a backup phone charger. Now, Rory is synced into social media like the rest of us, and joins Tinder (like the rest of us). She is shocked when she learns Emily is also using the app (“I like the swiping!”) and is subsequently roped into going on a double date with her grandmother.
In a nice twist, Alexis Bledel’s husband IRL, Vincent Kartheiser, guest stars as her horny date from hell (dick pics, et al). While Emily enjoys a nightcap with her successful date, Rory drowns her sorrow at Jackson’s new wine bar, Da Vine. There, she happens to run into…Tristan (because Chad Michael Murray needs a job)! They bond over politics (he’s recently returned from military duty in Afghanistan) and sparks fly. We know, we know, you were expecting Jess—but we need a few romantic twists to keep us watching for all four movies, right?
Cue the “la la la” music.