If scandalous TV is your jam, you’ll soon be enslaved by spring’s new shows. In author–activist–sex columnist Dan Savage’s new sitcom The Real O’Neals (City, March 2), the titular über-religious family (led by matriarch Martha Plimpton) comes clean about its deepest secrets (eating disorders! gayness!). Meanwhile, The Killing alum Mireille Enos plots revenge against her con-man husband in Shonda Rhimes’ sleek caper The Catch (CTV, March 24). Finally, The Family stars grande dame Joan Allen as an evil politico whose son returns home 10 years after his kidnapping (ABC, March 3). These dramas have more in common than just their chic “The”-based titles—our handy Venn diagram above shows each program’s salacious specialty so you can pick your poison…or figure out how to double-dip if you’re partial to a certain type of potboilery.