Earlier this month Mark Zuckerburg announced that Facebook is in the process of developing a program that will let users express their displeasure along with their thumbs up. In anticipation of the big unveiling, here are the top ten posts that you know you can’t wait to Dislike on Facebook.
- The mundane activity post: Newsflash: Nobody cares that you are, “Just leaving the grocery store” or “heading into the gym” or “checking in at Milestones”. Unless—wait! Are you about to be kidnapped and this is your way of leaving breadcrumbs for the Criminal Minds gang? Good call.
- The no explanation post: So rampant is this form of cryptic attention seeking that #vaguebooking has been recognized in the dictionary…okay, fine, the Urban Dictionary, but still. Is there anything annoying than the friend who posts about how “God is opening a window” or “Karma’s a bitch” or “Why me???!!!”
- The I’m hip to the lingo post: There’s no question that social media has affected the way we talk about things, but it has also affected the way we actually talk. You know, like when people caption their photos along the lines of “This guy,” or “The time _______________”, or “So this happened.” Nobody talked like this two years ago…and here’s hoping it will all be a horrible memory two years hence.
- The X-treme animal parent post: Any and all posts that come from the accounts of your pet, who probably wishes you spent more time walking her and less time updating her status. Ruh-roh— dislike!!
- The aw-shucks birthday post: Please stop posting about how you are “truly humbled and grateful” for all of the b-day love. Writing “Happy B-day!” on another person’s wall takes max 10 seconds. There’s no need to behave like everyone just offered you a kidney.
- The, ‘Do you think I’m pretty?’ post: You just did one of those facial recognition apps that says you are a 96% match for Angelina Jolie/Ryan Gosling/anyone from the cast of random hot people show. Go ahead, fist pump privately, but leave it there. By posting this sort of thing, you are holding a public referendum on whether you look exactly like preposterously attractive person X. And you don’t. So why put everyone else in an awkward position?
- The doesn’t take a hint gamer post: No, I don’t want to play Candy Crush/Fruit Ninja/Farmville. Please stop asking!!!
- The ain’t I just “high-larious” hashtag post: #thisstoppedbeingfunnysoooooooolongago
- The old timey fridge magnet post: Where do these things even come from and what makes anyone think that the same joke is funny the fiftieth time around? Can we just agree that Mondays suck, coffee is amazing, TGIF and it’s always “Wine O’clock” somewhere? Okay, now no need to post about it.
- The Dear somebody who isn’t on social media post: This doesn’t mean that you can’t post about someone who isn’t on social media. See if you can spot the difference:
You post a photo of your two year old eating her birthday cake…
Example caption 1: “Finn’s 2nd B-day. Cake monster in attack mode.”
Example caption 2: “Happy birthday Finnigan. Every day you inspire me with your curiosity…you courage…your [some other attribute that makes you toddler sound like a Nobel Prize recipient]. It’s an honour and a privilege to be your mom. #blessed”