Will Blake and Miranda #Fail at Conscious Uncoupling?

We feel for Shel-bert. Let's help them break up Gwyneth-style with the definitive conscious uncoupling guide

(Photo: ZUMAPRESS.com/Keystone Press)

(Photo: ZUMAPRESS.com/Keystone Press)

Update (10:28 p.m.): Shelton and Lambert have exchanged friendly, jokey tweets. Sounds like they’re on their way to a public show of solidarity through their break up!

Another week, another high-profile celebrity breakup: Country sweethearts Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert have called it quits. And while most celebrity divorces come with a canned press release about “remaining the best of friends,” Blake and Miranda seem to be splitting up the old-fashioned way—bitterly. They’ve both taken to social media to delete photos of one another, and stories of infidelity are gaining steam. No conscious uncoupling in sight.

So how does one (or two, as it were) consciously uncouple, exactly? We’ve put together the definitive guide to breaking up, together.

The Joint Statement
Before you change your Facebook status to “single” or delete those loved-up Instagram pics, consider how serene you’ll seem sending a civilized note to friends and family. It demonstrates maturity, and thanks to your carefully worded tweet (which your ex will need to RT in a show of solidarity), no one will ever suspect you of googling “how to hide a body” post-breakup (it was the Merlot typing).

Not sure how to craft your message? Take a cue from these masterful templates:
“We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another.” –Brad and Jen, January 2005
“We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been.” –Gwyneth and Chris, March 2014

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

“Closer than we have ever been” (Photo: Keystone Press)

To truly reach a higher level of separation elitism, consider booking a holiday together. It sounds crazy and goes against the very idea of breaking up, but think of the brooding Insta filter options and caption possibilities. Jen and Brad pioneered the divorce holiday, jetting to Anguilla just as they were gearing up for a split (and tricking the media in the process). Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, as well as Gwyneth and Chris, chose the Bahamas for their post-announcement hideaways. That being said, celebrities do have endless holiday funds (and fancy vacation homes), so if a breakup getaway isn’t in your budget, piña coladas at your favourite bar will suffice.

Wedding Rings
Celebs know that tabloids love to track the wearing and removal of wedding rings; right now, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are keeping everyone guessing with their on/off act. Don’t rush to ditch your ring or trash gifts from your ex. Instead, to show how you are moving forward together—while getting as far away from one another as possible—wear that tacky heart necklace s/he gave you for Valentine’s Day with pride. Whenever anyone asks about it, pull a Carrie Bradshaw by tugging wistfully on the necklace and say you’re keeping the relationship “close to your heart.” Once you’ve basked in the admiration of friends and colleagues, feel free to bin that ugly thing because you never even wanted a heart necklace in the first place and that’s why your ex will never get you.

(Photos: George Pimentel/Keystone Press)

Ben and Jen, pre-Bahamas (Photos: George Pimentel/Keystone Press)

Every divorce lawyer has a story about a couple going twelve rounds over a family pet, but save yourself the time (and money) by proposing a co-parenting arrangement, like the one Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson had for their rescue dog, Bear (before they split for good and Rob got full custody). Gwyneth and Chris and Jen and Ben are taking co-pet parenting to new levels, acquiring animals after, or close to, their breakups: a bunny for G&C and a Golden Retriever for J&B, bought mere months before the end.

It’s physically and emotionally impossible to be aggressive while enjoying an $18 plate of poached eggs. Gwyneth recently explained her civilized philosophy at the BlogHer15 conference, saying, “Even though today you hate me and you never want to see me again, like, we’re going to brunch, because it’s Sunday and that’s what we’ll do. That’s what happening.” This is the gospel according to Goop; can I get a non-denominational Amen?

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