37 Questions a Bachelorette Must Ask Herself Before Sex

When Bachelor Juan Pablo had sex with Clare in the ocean, it caused barely a ripple on the internet. Yet, when Bachelorette Kaitlyn had sex with Nick it triggered a tsunami of slut-shaming. And so, as JoJo navigates the tricky sea that is being a female sexual being on The Bachelorette, we present this handy guide for her reference

JoJo Fletcher Bachelorette

Go get some, JoJo!

1. Is this a good idea? And by “good,” I mean, “does it fall in line with prescribed notions about what constitutes healthy sexual behaviour for women”?

2. Is this “casual” sex or super-serious sex? If it’s the latter do I need to wear a high-necked Victorian nightgown while doing it?

3. What if he thinks I’m “easy” instead of say, a 30-year-old woman capable of handling sex before commitment?

4. What if he falls in love with me?

5. Do I have to pretend I’m cool with him finishing first? Or can I go all Nicki Minaj on him and demand an orgasm? This Will Not End Until I Say So, Sir.

6. Can I call time on the whole thing if he says something cringey like, ‘I want to know every part of you?’

7. Will the misogynist wizard that runs the Internet from a shed in his mother’s backyard react strongly to my decision to engage in (non-porn-related) consensual sexual activity?

8. WWTSD? (What Would Trista Sutter Do?)

9. Am I really just here to “make out with dudes on TV”?

10. Is that really a bad thing?

11. What if my…

a) future employer; b) future husband; c) future mother-in-law… finds out that I’ve engaged in sexual activity for my own selfish pleasure?

12. WWCHT? (What Will Chris Harrison Think?)

13. Will Bonnie Fuller and various other Internet commenters think I’m a self-centered succubus who puts her feelings above those of nine male angels who only want to “guard and protect” my heart?

14. Do I have to take that sh-t seriously from another adult woman?

15. What effect will my one-night stand have on the youth of North America?

16. Will other women see me as a role model and seek their own sexual pleasure willy-nilly?

17. Will I be contractually obligated to marry this goofball afterwards?

18. Will I be subject to overtly sexist:

a) comments; b) trolling; c) editorials; d) GIFs; e) all of the above and then some?

19. What does this bring my sex partner number up to, and, is this number excessive in the eyes of:

a) my mother; b) my god; c) my ex; d) my future husband; e) my future employer; d) The Supreme Court of Public Opinion’s ruling on Appropriate Female Sexual Experience After the Age of 18?

21. Will anyone ever be able to look at me the same way again? Or will they always think of me having sex?

22. And if so, then what the hell is wrong with them?

23. Is it true that every time a single woman has casual, consensual sex, an angel gets an STI?

24. Will a 30-year-old woman having sex with another adult initiate a “cultural conversation” about female sexuality for real, or will it just be another misogynistic sh-tshow with no visible end-date?

25. Should I just wait until the Fantasy Suite, where sex is basically contractually mandated and not therefore my decision?

26. And how is that less creepy?

27. Is it true that by having sex with another man I will alienate the dreamy, sensitive male virgins who’ve assembled on this soundstage to woo me in the most romantic way known to humanity, a.k.a. a reality love competition?

28. Will everyone expect me to feel guilty when it all goes bust?

29. How long will I have to pretend it’s a big deal before I’m reborn as a virgin in the eyes of ABC, People, US Weekly et al?

30. Will I have to cry my way out of this jam? Can they be Dateline tears (i.e. fake)?

31. Is sex:

a) dirty; b) shameful; c) bad for reality TV; d) all of the above when women do it?

32. Am I sufficiently prepared to avoid:

a) unintended pregnancy; b) mistaking the rush of oxytocin that accompanies sexual release with genuine and abiding love; c) STIs; d) my moans being captured by the boom mic?

33. Will having sex automatically disqualify me from ever appearing as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars?

34. What about Amazing Race?

35. When people call me a slut, will they get back in their time machines immediately afterwards or will I have to talk to them while it powers up?

36. Are there any real-life precedents of other women having sex with one man while dating other men, or am I the first and therefore the most deadly?

37. Am I overthinking this?

And, The One Question A Bachelor Must Ask Himself Before Having Sex:

Am I horny?

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on City. Catch up on past episodes at citytv.com.

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