WE’RE BACK BABY! After a v. painful hiatus from The Bachelorette last week (ABC, pls never do that to us again) we start this week off in Geneva, where Rachel royally screws up the format of the entire episode. She walks in (looking like a legit goddess in all white) to tell the guys that there will be THREE 1-on-1s this week, ONE 3-on-1 and NO Rose Ceremony. And our brains are literally exploding.
She chooses Bryan for the first 1-on-1 and we do everything in our power to *not* throw our bowl of popcorn at the TV in frustration. Dude JUST got a 1-on-1. The guys aren’t too happy about it either.
Rachel takes him on a rich person’s date, driving through Geneva in a Bentley, and Bryan’s just like “I am #BLESSED right now.” Then they walk into a fancy watch store and it’s *so* obvious that Bryan is about to get gifted with a lavish new timepiece.
Bryan: “This is exactly what I was looking for when I came here.”
They find two matching watches with black leather bands and Rachel’s just like, “Don’t worry I got this.”
Rachel: “I’m getting this for you.”
Producers: “Annnddd there goes the budget for the rest of the season.”
Bryan, over the moon that he’s about to receive the most expensive gift of his life, jumps on Rachel and starts making out with her. And the poor watch salesman is just like:
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the guys find out Dean is getting the next 1-on-1. Yay!
Fast-forward to the evening portion of Rachel and Bryan’s date where Bryan proceeds to annoy us to no end. Literally everything he says sounds like a line he read out of a How to Get a Girl for Dummies book.
Rachel: “I went to private school.”
Bryan: “I want to picture you in your little school-girl uniform.”
He then tells Rachel that his last girlfriend broke up with him after meeting his mom (we feel like there’s probs more to the story than that) and Rachel gives Bryan the rose (obv). They start making out to a band of violinists playing above them but somehow Bryan’s kissing is STILL the only thing we can hear.
Serious question: How does Rachel have ANY makeup left any time she kisses Bryan?
TIME FOR DEAN’S 1-ON-1! Rachel takes him to church (sorry Dean, no fancy watch for you) and they explore the streets of Geneva. Awww, just look at them dance like little kids together.
Later, Rachel tries to get Dean to open up more and that’s when shit gets REAL awkward.
Dean: “Do you believe in the Tooth Fairy?”
Dean: “What’s your favourite dinosaur?”
Dean: “You’re so pretty.”
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, another date card comes and Adam’s all, “My name’s all over it, clearly.” Sucks to suck, Adam, because actually Peter’s name is all over it.
Moving on to the evening portion of Dean’s 1-on-1: he finally opens up to Rachel about his “dysfunctional family” who wasn’t there for him after his mom passed away *cue us literally bawling on our couches.* We fall in love with Rachel and Dean all over again. He obv gets the rose.
Actual footage of us watching Rachel and Dean together:
And now it’s time for the main event, a.k.a Peter’s 1-on-1. Of course, Rachel saves the most romantic date for Peter and takes him on a helicopter ride to the Swiss Alps (Bryan’s expensive watch looks like garbage compared to this). They go dog sledding and prove yet again that they’re the cutest couple, everrrr. Ugh, we honestly can’t handle the feels we get when we watch them together. Can they just get married already?
After having some v. serious life chats in the frozen tundra, they freshen up for their evening date. Peter tells Rachel that his parents (Glen and Lynne, the most basic names in the history of Hometowns) will totally love her and then he proceeds to tell her about his ex-girlfriend, who he abandoned because he couldn’t give her all his love. So naturally Rachel asks if he’s ready to fully open his heart up to someone now and he says he thinks he is. Good enough for us.
Rachel gives Peter the rose (duh) and he tells her that he doesn’t throw around the word ‘love’ easily but that their relationship is definitely on that track and our hearts basically melt away.
Time for the 3-on-1! Adam, Eric, Matt and Rachel casually head over to France like it’s NBD and Adam is feeling waaay too confident for a guy who hasn’t even had a 1-on-1. Then, Rachel pulls Matt aside for some 1-on-1 time, a.k.a. to send him home and even though we’ve seen him on our TV screens a whole six times, it was kind of a sad goodbye.
Skipping to the evening portion of the date: Adam has gone straight from confident to cocky (we give him an A for effort though), and as we expected, Rachel sends him home and gives Eric the Group Date Rose. Thank god because we would have been an emotional mess if she sent Eric home (though we’ll probably have to deal with it next week).
Hey Adam, get over yourself.
And that’s a wrap! Next week’s Hometowns are going to be bomb. We’ve got Bryan’s mom who was the reason for his last breakup, Dean’s dysfunctional family and Eric, who at the age of 29 has never brought a girl home. WE CAN’T WAIT.