The Bachelorette is back!!! *Cue alllll the girly screams* We start the Season 13 premiere off with the actual cutest intro of Rachel skipping around the streets of Dallas.
It kind of reminds us of Raven when Nick gave her her first orgasm.
Also, Rachel’s dog is the freaking cutest. Apparently he makes a cameo in the first group date—so even if tonight’s episode sucks, at least there’s that to look forward to.
Rachel wraps up her intro with the perfect line: “It’s time to focus on my life that I’m so talented at neglecting,” and also reminds that she’s a little bit classy and a little bit sassy (which is why we love her).
And now it’s time to meet Rachel’s men via some classically cheesy Bachelorette intros. Like Jack Stone’s awkward sitting-on-the-grass-staring-at-the-lake clip.
Next up: Blake E., who decides to use his entire one-minute intro video to talk about the amazingness of his penis. K gross.
And then we meet “Whaboom.” We literally have no words.
What is happening?!?
Okay, moving on from that weirdness—now it’s time for a #BachelorSquad reunion! YAAAASS.
We were NOT expecting to see Corinne this episode—hope she says something hilarious.
The girls give Rachel their advice: Shark/dolphin girl says not to judge anyone for coming in a costume because they’re probs really cool, Astrid (or was it Whitney?) tells her to stay away from DeMario because her third cousin’s ex boyfriend’s sister’s best friend twice removed says he’s a bad dude, and Raven just gets reaaal emotional talking about her love for Rachel (it was pretty cute TBH).
Unfortch, Corrine doesn’t really say anything funny. She actually gave Rachel some grown-up advice about staying true to her feelings. Ugh, boring.
OK time for the guy’s limo arrivals!!! Rachel looks like a queen BTW.
The entrances were pretty weak TBH, but there are a few worth highlighting. Bryan—who, is it just us or does he looked totally stoned?—gets out of the limo and speaks a few sexy sentences in Spanish. Rachel’s v. into it.
Kenny does this weird wave dance with Rachel but she seemed to enjoy it.
Blake E. shows up with a marching band (classic) but it was actually more cute than awkward. Too bad we can’t get over all his gross penis talk from the beginning of the ep.
Next is Jonathan. He looks pretty normal, right?
WRONG. He tells Rachel to close her eyes and then starts tickling her. Ummm, should this be allowed?
Lee’s the classic country guy with a guitar and he sweeps Rachel off her feet with a song. He’s going to be trouble.
Next up: Alex, a.k.a the clean-up crew. His joke was pretty lame but he’s cute so we’ll let it slide.
And then there’s Adam and…Adam Jr.? K, this one’s just creepy.
YAAASSS finally someone walks out in a costume. Here’s hoping penguin guy is just as cool as shark girl.
Annnnd last but not least we have Lucas a.k.a. “Whaboom.” Ugh, we’re annoyed by this act already. He comes out with an xylophone talking about the size of his testicles (k, ew) and proceeds to scream “WHAAABOOOM” and starts having a legit exorcism. Rachel and everyone else watching are going to have nightmares for the rest of their lives (including us).
The dude’s just whabooming all over the place. How much do you think producers paid him to do this? Taking bets now!
Finally entrances are over, and Josiah (who’s getting cockier and douchier the more the night goes on) “steals” Rachel first. And naturally all the other guys start crying about it.
Rachel starts making her rounds and talking to the guys, meanwhile this creepy-ass doll is just casually haunting the mansion. Kenny (the guy who did the wave dance) says he’s going to straight up murder it if it tries to pull any Annabelle shit. LOL.
This is so weird.
Rachel starts flirting it up with the Spanish dude who’s “good with his hands” and he goes in for the first kiss! OMG EW why is he eating her face!? Bryan kisses like Josh Murray, just with less moaning.
While Rachel’s hard-core macking on the chiropractor, everyone inside is hating on the Whaboom guy because he’s hella annoying. And Blake E. (aspiring drummer) decides to be the tough guy and confront him. But nothing really happens.
Rachel casually grabs the First Impression Rose and ugh, of course it goes to the sloppy kisser.
He accepts, obv, and they start making out again. Ew, barf. He’s waaay to aggressive.
First Rose Ceremony time! Is it just us or has Rachel not talked to like half of the men?
Rachel starts giving out roses and makes some questionable choices, like letting Whaboom guy stay (who wants to bet the producers made her give him a rose?).
*Insert all the eye-roll emojis*
Everyone’s face when they realize they’re going home but Whaboom is staying:
She also gives roses to other memorable guys like DeMario, Josiah, Peter, Diggy, Kenny, Adam (doll guy), Blake E., Fred (the bad boy from camp), Bryce, aannnd we honestly can’t remember the rest but we promise we’ll know all their names by next week!
Overall, it was a pretty good first episode and—judging from the previews we were given—it looks like it’s going to be a great season. Can’t wait for next week!
Rachel is going to be a bomb Bachelorette.