Welcome back to another season of The Bachelorette! *Cue us freaking out because this has felt like the longest off-season to ever exist* So, without further ado…
We start the episode off with Becca hysterically crying during an excruciating flashback of her breakup with Arie. Which like, fair, that *is* how her time on The Bachelor ended. But rly Bachelor producers, you couldn’t have chosen a scene where Becca didn’t have snot coming out of her nose and mascara running down her face to open her season?
Anyway, after reliving Arie’s infuriating breakup with Becca, the uplifting music finally starts playing and Becca says she’s ready to find love again.
Before we meet the guys, Becca gets advice from three former Bachelorettes—Kaitlyn Bristowe, JoJo Fletcher and Rachel Lindsay—and Rachel starts the scene off strong with this gem: “Don’t edit this out but f-ck Arie.”
Me every time Rachel talks:
The girls then decide to cleanse the Bachelor Mansion of its d-bag demons with the biggest bundle of sage I have ever seen, to which a v. confused Kaitlyn says, “Why are we lighting up a big doobie?” Kaitlyn, this is why we love you.
After setting off the fire alarm, the girls toast Becca outside the mansion. And now, it’s time to officially get this party started with some classically cheesy Bachelorette intros!
We meet a few lame-os during the intro vids—including Clay, a v. uninteresting football player; Jean Blanc, who owns enough cologne to take out an entire country; and Jordan, a male model who says such cringe-tastic things as “Gym, year around. Tan, year around. Salt spray, year around.” Ugh.
We also meet a few cuties. Despite his unfortunate Chris Farley impression, Garrett—a medical sales rep from Nevada—*seems* like he has true frontrunner potench. And Joe, the grocery store owner, has caught my interest because he is a spitting image of Wells.
But none of them held a flame to Colton, a former pro football player with the cutest little pup. Oh, and did I mention he created a charity to help people living with cystic fibrosis? Um hi Colton, will you accept *my* rose?
OK time for the limo arrivals! P.S. Becca looks like a damn queen.
The entrances were pretty meh, but there are a few worth highlighting—like the guy who wore a chicken suit. (Note to Chicken Guy: pls be as funny as Alexis ‘Shark Girl’ Waters.)
Colton (a.k.a. my new love) was the first out of the limo and he started things off with a literal bang when he brought out confetti poppers. Meanwhile, the winner of Most Awkward Arrival def goes to Wells Joe—who forgot everything he was going to say and walked the wrong way into the Bachelor Mansion. Poor Joe.
Connor—who looks like the lovechild of JJ Lane from Kaitlyn’s season and Jordan Rogers (a.k.a. JoJo’s fiancé)—got down one on knee and fake proposed to Becca. And Mike proved the dumbest of the night when he brought a cardboard cutout of Arie. Why, Mike? Just why???
Probs the most memorable of the night though was Garrett, who showed up with a minivan full of soccer balls and diaper bags because he “wants to be a great dad.” OK, Garrett *appears* to be a winner.
Time for the Cocktail Party! One by one, the guys start stealing Becca away and Christon—“professional dunker”—literally dunks a basket on Becca. Something I never realized I wanted to see on The Bachelorette until it actually happened.
While Becca continues to make the rounds, drama starts brewing between Chris R. and Chase (Chris is claiming that Chase “isn’t here for the right reasons” because he knows his ex-GF and apparently she’s saying some shady shizz about him). The two of them end up sitting down with Becca for the most cringe-worthy convo and basically clear nothing up.
Immediately after that, Becca has another uncomfortable chat with Jake—an acquaintance from her hometown who has literally never shown a second of interest in her until she became The Bachelorette. Seems sketch, no?
Becca obvs has a good bullshit detector because she doesn’t buy anything Jake is saying and ends up sending him home.
She’s upset about it for like five seconds, but then her mood is quickly lifted when she gives the First Impression Rose to Garrett and gets her first kiss of the night, which for once wasn’t a sloppy mess. HALLE-FREAKING-LUJAH. It feels like we haven’t had a non-face eating first kiss in years. Garrett knows what’s up.
First Rose Ceremony time! Becca gives roses to memorable guys like my love Colton, Blake (hottie red blazer guy), cologne lover Jean Blanc, Professional Dunker Christon, Connor (the Jordon/JJ hybrid) and Chris R.—meaning she sent Chase, the guy with the ex-girlfriend, home.
And that’s a wrap! Overall, it was a pretty good first episode—minus the fact that there were no villains and no hilar drunk guys (wtf?). But judging from the previews we were given it looks like it’s going to be a great season. Can’t wait for next week!