We start the third episode of The Bachelorette on the tail end of last week’s To Be Continued (classic Bachelor/ette) where DeMario pulled a straight-up Chad and returned to the Bachelor Mansion after being sent home for being an idiot.
Chris Harrison tells Rachel what’s going on and she decides to hear DeMario out (ugh), so she goes to the front gate and DeMario begins his (clearly scripted and tirelessly practiced) apology tour:
DeMario: “I didn’t keep it real with you.”
Rachel: *stares blankly at DeMario*
DeMario: “I want win your trust back and hopefully I can be on that panel tonight (k who calls it that?) and earn a rose from you.”
The rest of the guys:
DeMario: “I have this favourite quote [that likely actually *isn’t* his favourite quote, just one he chose from a list the producers gave him]: ‘In order to experience joy you need pain.’ And I realized this last night when I couldn’t sleep thinking about how I messed up my one shot at fame.”
DeMario: “I told my driver that you’re the woman of my dreams and my driver told me to not take no for an answer.” (Editor’s note: Highly doubt that.)
Rachel: “You handled the situation like a boy and I’m looking for a man. So I’m glad you’ve realized you should move forward but I need you to realize that forward isn’t toward the Mansion, forward is outside of it. Thank you.”
The rest of the world:
Men, let this be a lesson learned—Rachel is NOT to be messed with.
Moving on to the Cocktail Party: One by one the guys take turns talking to Rachel—Tickle Monster takes it one step further into Creepy Town and brings in some giant stuffed hands to take tickling Rachel to the next level. Alex shows off his Rubik’s Cube skills (sweet moves, bro), and after taking Rachel outside for a little basketball (as if she hasn’t had enough of that from the last group date), Will plants a v. sweet kiss on her.
We get to see conversations between Rachel and the guys for a good two minutes and then the air time gets eaten up with Lucas and Blake dramz. Lucas (who has clearly reached his alcohol limit) pulls Rachel aside to tell her that the other night Blake was standing over Lucas’s bed while he was sleeping, eating and licking a banana. And when Rachel confronts Blake about it he’s just like, “I don’t even eat carbs tho.”
Rose Ceremony time! Blake and Lucas (plus one other guy who we can’t even remember) get the boot. Blake and Lucas’s fight outside the Mansion:
Lucas: *chugs his water* (he’s hungover now)
Blake: *Puts arm on Lucas’s shoulder for an inappropriate amount of time* “Wuddup Lucas. Just wanted to say you’re a piece of shit, you’re a wannabe comedian and if you weren’t here I would’ve had a real shot with Rachel.” (Doubtful.)
Lucas: “It’s not about winning brother. It’s about the world and you have no idea what that means.” (Neither do we, TBH.)
Cue the insults hitting a new, unspeakable low:
Blake: “You’re the Whaboom clown, I’m the nice gentlemen.”
Lucas: “OH OH OH WHA WHA WHA. Just get back to your protein shakes and steroids.”
Blake: “WHAKA WHAKA FART FART.”
*All their own words sounds (?) not ours*
Now that that weirdness is over (not sure what we just witnessed/if we’ll ever be able to recover from the second-hand embarrassment) let’s move on to the first Group Date of the episode: The Ellen DeGeneres Show! Ellen meets the guys and tickles the Tickle Monster, who currently has a bruised ego after learning some of the guys have already kissed Rachel (like, duh).
Ellen makes the guys take their shirts off and give the women in the audience lap dances and Alex just goes for it and grinds up on this poor grandma. Disclaimer: These guys look daaaamn good with their shirts off.
Then Ellen plays a quickie game of ‘Never Have I Ever’ with the guys, where we learn that the Tickle Monster who *hasn’t* even kissed Rachel yet *has* imagined having sex with her, Alex peed in the Bachelor Mansion pool, and bad-boy Fred from Rachel’s childhood had sex with a 40-year-old woman when he was 21.
Okay, moving on to the evening portion of the Group Date: Rachel’s connections with Peter (*insert heart-eyes emoji*), Alex, Bryan and Will are super strong (and pretty hot, TBH) and then there’s Fred. He’s panicking that he hasn’t kissed Rachel yet (#TBT to Wells on JoJo’s season) and uses all his one-on-one time with Rachel to talk about the fact that he hasn’t kissed her yet. He then proceeds to ask if he can kiss her and Rachel, who’s feeling super awkward now, decides to just be a good sport and kiss him *cue us cringing so hard* and then sends him home not long after.
Oh and Alex gets the Group Date Rose. This is probably why:
Time for Anthony’s 1-on-1! Which consists of Rachel and Anthony riding down Rodeo Drive on horses (because, why not right?).
Producer 1: Why don’t we just have them go shopping on Rodeo Drive?
Producer 2: We’ve already done that, man.
Producer 1: Yeah…but not on horses!
Rachel and Anthony legit start going INTO the stores on their horses. They’re literally trying on clothes, eating cupcakes and sipping champagne all while sitting on these horses (who, btw, are just shitting all over the place). This date is so random.
They wrap up their country-meets-city activities and move on to the evening portion of their date, which goes pretty well. They have good conversations but nothing too interesting to report.
And back at the Bachelor Mansion, Eric is being a baby and telling Anthony that Rachel is putting on a façade and being emotionally unavailable to him. Iggy, who overhears Eric’s talk with Anthony, decides to invite himself into the conversation and call Eric out (a.k.a. cause unneeded drama).
Fast forward to the second Group Date: Rachel invites her #BachelorSquad! YAAASSSSS.
Rachel, the guys and the #BachelorSquad hop on a party bus with stripper poles (where everyone meets their possible future Bachelor in Paradise loves. Raven immediately asks Bryce (in a v. flirtatious way if we’re being totally honest) and Lee who they think isn’t here for the right reasons.
They both say Eric.
They arrive at the date location (a bar) where the guys are supposed to once again take their shirts off (yaassss) and wrestle in some mud. And all the guys are like, “Shit, I hope I don’t have to face Kenny.”
Alexis ‘Shark/Dolphin Girl’ Waters: “I hope they’re wearing Speedos!” LOL, we missed you girl.
The guys start thrashing around in some mud and Corinne’s just like “Daaaaamn, can’t wait to see some of these guys in Paradise.”
Meanwhile Jasmine G’s just like “Ewww mud!” Not impressed.
And Rachel’s just loving every second of it.
And the winner is: Bryce! Wow Kenny the wrestler, you should be embarrassed.
Later, Rachel gets some quality one-on-one time with her squad and asks them what they think of the guys. The #BachelorSquad consensus: Dean’s the best and Eric is a little sketchy.
Jumping into the evening part of the date now, where Kenny straight-up rips his tank top off and gives Rachel a v. skilled lap dance.
Side note: Does anyone else see this every time Jack Stone smiles?
Anyway, moving on. Eric opens up to Rachel about his insecurities and Rachel says she really wants to get to know him but does mention that Lee and Bryce told Raven that he doesn’t have good motives and Eric’s just like “Whaaat, motives? What does that mean? Never heard that word before.” Once he wipes he incredibly blank stare off his face, they clear things up and Eric ends up getting the Group Date Rose.
But not before Eric confronts Lee and Bryce for throwing him under the bus (reasonable). Lee just keeps telling Eric he loves him and Eric is just like “Why do you keep saying that? I’m so confused.” Overall the confrontation was uncomfortable and weird and we’re not even sure how to feel about it.
And now it’s back to the Bachelor Mansion for the Cocktail Party! The entire evening is revolved around forced Lee-Eric-Iggy dramz (ugh). Iggy (who we’re like *so* annoyed by) throws himself into the situation again and confronts Rachel about Eric’s intentions and then pulls Eric aside to have a “real human being conversation.” At least that’s a step up from whatever type of conversation it was that Lucas and Blake had. Lee then follows in Iggy’s footsteps and v. happily throws Eric under the bus.
Cue Eric absolutely losing his shit aaaaand leave it to The Bachelorette to give us a ‘To Be Continued’ after a Grade A freak-out.