We start off the second (and v. action-packed!!) episode of The Bachelorette with an adorable Rachel waking up in her bed with her “dog child” Copper a.k.a. our new fave TV personality.
While Rachel takes Copper outside for a walk and some playtime (we srsly hope every episode starts off this way), Chris Harrison stops by the Bachelor Mansion to drop off the first group date card and the guys start competitively confessing their love for a woman they’ve for like, a solid six hours.
DeMario: “I love her smile.”
Bryce: “Yeah, but she was smiling right at ME”
Jack Stone (why is this guy the only one with a last name btw?): “Yeah well, when I looked at her…I got struck!”
DeMario (stop talking dude give the other guys a turn!): “She smells so good.” (Isn’t that something the ‘Tickle Monster’ should say?)
The guys finish up their love talk (is it just us or are the guys extra thirsty this season?) and then head out for their first Group Date (consisting of both Blake E. and Lucas so there’s def going to be some dramz), which is designed to gauge whether or not they’re husband material.
The guys arrive at the date and Rachel’s just standing there pretending to barbeque.
Producers: “Take these tongs and stand over by the barbeque. Just pretend to know what you’re doing!”
They play a quickie game of football and show us some petty dramz between Blake E. and Lucas (we’re over them already) and just when we think this is going to be a subpar date…ASHTON KUTCHER AND MILA KUNAS SHOW UP!!!!!!
*Cue us freaking out waaaaay more than all the guys*
They explain what their Monday nights look like—vodka tonic for Ashton, white wine for Mila and The Bachelor/The Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise—and we fall even more in love with them. And then they point out that Ashton looks v. similar to Bachelor Nation alum Jared Haibon.
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) September 1, 2015
We totally see the resemblance (except Ashton is 1,2938x hotter).
The Bachelor-crazed celeb couple start explaining the date challenge (which is basically a parenting test with dolls) and Ashton straight-up says Rachel’s winner isn’t in this group of guys. Annndd cue every single woman crying into their wine glasses when he responds to Mila’s “who knows, you gotta take it slow” with a smooth “I knew day one.” Brb, dying of cuteness (and a little envy) over here!
The challenge begins and the guys (minus Kenny the dad) start legit manhandling the dolls. Like, we’re actually concerned for their future babies. Then Lucas gets real aggressive with his doll (and with Kenny the wrestler!) and wins the challenge *insert eye-roll emoji* and Rachel’s like “ew now I have to *actually* talk to this weirdo?”
Fast forward to the evening portion of the group date: while Rachel has shitty conversation after shitty conversation with the guys, Blake E. spends the entire night talking about Lucas and even decides to tell Rachel (who clearly doesn’t care) that Whaboom isn’t here for the right reasons.
And just when Rachel starts thinking, These guys are all idiots I hate them all* (*our words not hers), in walks Dean, her diamond in the rough! They have a super cute convo which leads to him getting the Group Date rose and a lipstick covered smooch. Lesson learned here: always wear lipstain on a first date.
Now it’s time for Peter’s 1-on-1, this should be good! Rachel tells Peter that she’s bringing someone along on their date and he’s like, “hope it’s not an ex-boyfriend.” A black car pulls up and out jumps Copper with a sparkly blue cast on his leg and we literally pass out from cuteness.
Just look at him run! Call us Corinne because we literally CAN’T EVEN RIGHT NOW!
Peter shakes Copper’s paw and Copper seems to approve.
Then Rachel, Peter and Coppe board a private plane and jet off to Palm Springs. Wow they would make the cutest family.
They arrive in Palm Springs and hit up Bark Fest which is basically a pool party for dogs and we’re so jealous because this is literally the date of our freaking dreams.
While Copper goes off to play in the pool with the other kiddies, Rachel and Peter have a really great convo (Peter’s already totally down to move to Dallas) and then have the cutest little photo shoot. K. WE LOVE THEM.
Moving on to the evening portion their date (because apparently they couldn’t just stay at Bark Fest all night?) they finally bring up the fact that they share gapped teeth, which makes us legit so happy because we’ve been waiting for someone to point it out since Night One.
Then they start complimenting each other on their gapped teeth. So basically it’s true love.
They continue to have great convos during their dinner date (Peter is so obviously a frontrunner) and then leave to watch some fireworks (with Copper of course) where they share their first non-face-eating, non-lipstick-covered kiss. It was beautiful. But serious question: Who the hell was watching Copper when they were making out?
OK moving on to the second group date where shit SRSLY goes down. The guys show up at a high school where they’re greeted by basketball icon (and tallest person ever) Kareem Abdul–Jabbar and DeMario’s basketball skills send him on a serious(ly annoying) power trip.
DeMario: “I’m confident like Michael Jordan in the finals. I’m confident like Tom Brady in the Super Bowl. I’m straight up a winner. Born winner.” Literally, DeMario, just shut up.
Us every time DeMario opens his damn mouth:
After probably not enough warm-up time, the guys face each other in a game of basketball in front of a packed high school gym (which most of the guys are super excited but we’re with “not a baller” Lee on this one—it looks like our biggest nightmare come true) and obviously DeMario just starts dunking all over the place. Refer to the above GIF to see our faces while watching DeMario play basketball.
The game finishes (DeMario’s team loses which we’re v. happy about TBH) and then, enter Lexi—the girl who was apparently still dating DeMario up until he left for the show. She walks up to Rachel (who’s just thinking she’s just a fangirl at this point) and proceeds to tell her allll about her relationship with DeMario. Rachel then grabs DeMario, who thinks he’s getting the group date rose (LOL) and they walk into the gym. Lexi goes “Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it DeMario” (which she’d obviously been practicing her car mirror before coming in) and DeMario’s just like “New phone, who dis?”
At first he tries denying everything, obv, but Lexi assures us that she swears on literally everyone’s grave (even her kittens sleeping in her house, RUDE) that she’s telling the truth and DeMario straight-up ghosted her to go on the show. Hmmm, sounds a lot like another Bachelor Nation f-ckboy we know.
Side note: who does this Lexi chick remind you of?
No? Just us?
Anyway, DeMario continues to *attempt* lying his way out of it but Lexi comes in clutch with text messages that prove he’s a lying skeeze and Rachel legit just tells him to GTFO. YAASS, Rachel you are our queen.
Then Rachel goes into the locker room with her “don’t mess with me” face and tells the rest of the guys that they better be taking this seriously. You go girl!
K so let’s skip over the evening portion of the group date (because nothing interesting really happened other than Josiah getting the group date rose and Eric winning the most awkward way to go in for a kiss award) and move on to the cocktail party where DeMario predictably shows up to try and talk to Rachel, only to be stopped at security by the oh-so-intimidating Chris Harrison.
Unfortch, we don’t know how it goes because we were slapped in the face with a ‘To Be Continued…’ The second episode, really guys? We’re so annoyed we might just pull a Whaboom ourselves.