Well fellow Bachelor Nation lovers, we finally made it! Welcome to part one of the FIVE-HOUR FINALE (why do you do this to us, ABC?) of Arie’s pitiful Bachelor season and let me just start by saying—it’s the worst ever. But with that being said, some major shiz went down that we *have* to talk about so, let’s dig in!
We start the episode off in breathtaking Cusco, Peru, where Arie is reminiscing on that time he told both Lauren and Becca he loved them. Arie, stop trying to be Ben Higgins. You will NEVER be Ben Higgins.
And now it’s time to meet Arie’s family. Lauren is up first and Arie has got high hopes for this one.
Arie: I really want my parents to see what I see in her
Meanwhile, the rest of us still searching for what he sees in Lauren:
Surprisingly, Lauren does pretty well with the fam. She manages to string together a couple full sentences—rather than replying “wow” to everything like she normally does—and while she does look more like a prisoner than a contestant on a dating show when giving a very nervous toast, she did end up expressing her feelings (and even crying!) to Arie’s mom about how scared she is to lose him. You go girl!
Actual footage of me watching proudly as Lauren finally breaks out of her shell and shows real human emotions:
At the end of the meet-and-greet, Arie’s family is full on #TeamLauren and they don’t care who knows it—including Becca who is up next. Poor girl.
Papa Arie, before Becca’s meet-and-greet: It’s going to be really difficult for Becca because we all think Lauren is a good choice
Me: Way to have an unbiased opinion dude
During Becca’s time with Arie’s family, they bring up Lauren’s name so. many. damn. times, it’s a wonder they’re not wearing #TeamLauren merch to flaunt their love for her. This is just mean.
Becca in her ITM: I just swear to God if I have to hear the name Lauren one more time I’m going to lose it
Becca somehow manages to turn the date around and by the time she leaves, the Luyendyks have totally switched over to #TeamBecca and are telling Arie that she’s the right choice for him and his lifestyle. These people are more indecisive than Arie.
Fast-forward to the final dates—which I’m going to skim past fairly quickly because, let’s be honest, we all know how this ends and the final dates don’t even matter anymore.
Lauren is up first again, and she and Arie take a private train ride to Machu Picchu—where Lauren gets real crazy with her words and describes it as “absolutely insane.”
Later, the two of them talk about what their futures might look like together over some bubbly. Lauren starts crying again over her strong feelings for Arie, and then they proceed to say “I love you so much” back and forth so many times I want to vom. Arie, just friggin’ pick her already, you know you want to.
Moving on to Becca’s final date. It starts off fine with a wet (but kind of romantic?) stroll through the pouring rain alongside some v. fine llamas, but when Arie says “I can’t stop thinking about Lauren” in his ITM, the rest of the date is immediately tainted. And even though he obviously can’t get Lauren out of his head, Arie still continues to tell Becca he loves her and toy with her emotions even more. Arie, you. are. trash.
Me literally every time Arie said ILY to Becca on their date, while obviously still thinking about Lauren:
During the evening portion of their date, Becca goes from Apple Picking Basic to PSL Basic when she shows Arie the scrapbook she’s been working on during their three-week long relationship—which, yes, *does* have a blank page for “Our First Baby.” Excuse me while I gag.
Arie leaves the date still feeling uncertain about his feelings and clearly has zero idea who he wants propose to in the morning—a.k.a. all the makings of true love.
Moving on to the main event, it’s time for Doomsday Proposal Day! Arie says that he’s finally found the clarity he was looking for and claims he “couldn’t have pictured a better woman for me!”—which is hard to believe considering how this all ends and also the fact he didn’t know who to propose to a mere 10 hours ago.
The first limo pulls up and it’s Lauren, looking gorg in a flapper-style dress that honestly could have been worn by Nicole Kidman on the Oscars red carpet. *Insert us pretending to look shocked at Lauren’s runner-up arrival here*
Lauren proceeds to spill her heart out to Arie (which is officially the most talking about her feelings she’s ever done) and she can immediately tell something’s up when Arie starts shaking his head like a grumpy little boy who didn’t get the ice-cream flavour he wanted.
Arie to Lauren: I can’t go through with it…It’s not anything that I can explain other than I gave it everything I had to see if it could work
Lauren in an attempt to say more than “wow:” I’m extremely confused
After wishing each other the best and professing their love for each other again (probs a red flag that Arie is making the wrong decision, no?) Lauren is sent away in the reject SUV where she pretty cries and says something along the lines of “I’m done trying” just like every other runner up. Don’t worry boo, he’ll be back!
Arie: I feel like a monster right now
Everyone hate-watching the episode:
Now, enter Becca. Wearing a less beautiful dress but still looking fabulous, Becca arrives to the proposal scene and walks towards Arie. They say a few words and then Arie gets down on one knee and proposes for like, 12 seconds—making it the shortest (and least heartfelt) proposal in Bachelor history.
Arie offers Becca the Final Rose, she accepts, and just like that—Rachel Lindsay and Bryan Abasolo don’t have the worst proposal anymore.
Fast-forward a couple weeks later: Becca arrives in L.A. for a fun-filled weekend with Arie, but little does she know she’s about to have her heart broken on unedited television. Yes, that’s right, The Bachelor aired an HOUR of unedited film—showcasing Arie and Becca’s breakup. A new Bachelor low if you ask me.
Arie to Becca explaining why he’s breaking up with her: Every second I spent with you I felt like I was losing the chance to reconcile with Lauren
Becca is absolutely stunned—unfortunately she couldn’t see Arie’s Grade A douchebaggery from miles away like the rest of us—and the next 30 minutes consists of her walking around the house crying and Arie following/hovering over her like a stalker.
Becca: Pls just leave
Arie: *stares at her without speaking*
Becca, walking away: Pls leave
Arie: *follows Becca, still doesn’t say anything
This cycle goes on for a while before Arie finally leaves and just like that Becca’s relationship with Arie is donezo. But good–freaking–riddance, amiright? She’s better off with Ross.
The episode ends with Becca sitting in the hot seat with Chris Harrison—still looking heartbroken, ugh—and saying she has a lot of questions for Arie. Those questions and more (like are Arie and Lauren dating now? Short answer: yes) will be answered tonight on the *two hour* ATFR special. So, see you back here tomorrow for the final recap of the season—we’re in the homestretch, you guys!
Watch The Bachelor After the Finale Rose Friday at 8:00 p.m. EST on City (or tonight at 8:00 p.m. on ABC). Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter for Sharleen Joynt’s always on-point recap and more!