Welcome to Fantasy Suites week! Besides a v. dramatic drop-in from an ex BF, Arie’s overnights were HELLA boring. But let’s dive in anyway, shall we? We start the episode off in beautiful Peru where Arie says he can “definitely see himself falling in love.” But like, he said that about Fort Lauderdale too, so apparently his standards aren’t that high.
First up is Kendall, and already I’m not invested in their date because we obvi know she’s going home tonight.
However, regardless of how much we all don’t care about it, we’re still forced to watch their v. boring overnight. It starts off with a questionably dangerous dune buggy ride in the middle of the desert, followed by a cheap Tupperware-packed picnic. Apparently Kendall got the low budget date.
Moving on to the evening portion of their overnight (because their day date lasted all of two mins), Kendall tells Arie she’s falling in love with him, and Arie says he’s falling in love with her, too. C’mon guys. It’s FANTASY SUITES. Shouldn’t we be past “I’m falling in love with you” and onto “I am in love with you” by now?
After sharing their “I’m falling in love with you” remarks, Arie gives Kendall the overnight date card. She obvi accepts and Arie responds with his second favourite catchphrase after “I love that”: “that makes me happy.” Get a thesaurus dude.
The next morning, Kendall—who looks absolutely stunning with no makeup, BTW—is clearly head-over-heels for Arie, and I can’t help but feel bad for her because again, she’s one hundo *not* making it to the finale two.
After making her some breakfast, Arie sends Kendall on her way and gets ready for his next date with Lauren B(oring).
They end up going on a plane ride to check out Peru’s ancient Nazca Lines, and, as usual, Lauren is being a total buzz kill.
Arie about Lauren: I see this incredible woman but I only get to see glimpses of her.
Me, confused, because we haven’t seen any glimpses of that:
After spending most of the plane ride in silence, Arie and Lauren head back down to the ground and chat about what’s going on in Lauren’s head.
Arie: So how are you feeling?
Lauren: It’s just hard, I mean you were here before.
Lauren: The stronger I feel about you, the stronger my fears are.
Lauren: I’m afraid of having my heart broken, but that stems from me being afraid to lose you.
Me: Arie, LEARN MORE WORDS!!!!
After Arie’s brain finally allows him to string together an actual sentence and reassure Lauren that he sees potential in her being his wife, Lauren tells him that her fears have made her consider giving up throughout this process, AND THEN says that Arie needs to make her feel like she’s the only girl he sees. LAUREN, have you not seen this show? I. am. confused.
Of course, Arie responds to all of this with an infuriating “yeah” and makes everyone watching to want to hit their heads against a wall. Am I right or am I right?
Moving on to the evening portion of their date, Arie brings up Lauren’s insecurities again, and then, after reassuring her some more, tells her that he loves her. Lauren says she loves him too and then accepts the key to the Fantasy Suite.
While a random love song plays in the background (sorry but is this a romance flick or The Bachelor?), Arie and Lauren head over to their Fantasy Suite and the two of them have serious ILY word vomit. Now that they’ve said it once they *won’t* stop saying it. It’s annoying and gross.
Time for Becca’s date! Arie takes her on a romantic catamaran ride (classic Bachelor date) and already her energy is a million times higher than Lauren’s—halle-freaking-lujah. They have some important real-life convos about where they would live and when they would move in together, and it’s clear Arie is suuupes into Becca.
Moving on to the evening portion of their date, Becca and Arie continue having great conversations and then say ILY to each other. In the words of Arie Luyendyk Jr.:
Arie and Becca make their way to the Fantasy Suite—or in this case, their Fantasy Tent—and, just like him and Lauren, they say “I love you” waaaayy too much. But whatevs, they’re actually kinda cute so it’s OK.
The morning after, Arie and Becca wake up looking like a natural couple that’s been dating forevs and then have the CHICEST breakfast in the middle of the desert—which makes Kendall’s sad picnic look like absolute trash.
OK, now that all the Fantasy Suite dates are over, its time for the main event: the introduction of Becca’s ex of seven years, Ross.
Dude just casually flies to Peru in some ill-fitting suit pants (his tailor needs to be fired ASAP) and shows up on Arie’s doorstep all like, “I should be the one proposing to Becca.” Also, some important information to note here is that they haven’t spoken for like, over a year.
Arie, who initially thought Ross was hotel management (LOL), is raaattled.
Arie invites him in to chat for a few mins and Ross tells him that he’s going to go get Becca because she’s the one for him. Then, as he walks Ross out and closes the door behind him, Arie calls him a—wait for it—”f-cking nerd.” Good trash talk, Arie.
Actual footage of Arie trying to trash talk:
While Arie sulks alone in his room, Ross arrives at Becca’s hotel room with flowers and just like Arie was, Becca is straight-up shook. Her first words are “no, like what are you doing here” followed by, “WTF” and then she immediately refuses to invite him in. And poor Ross is just like, “so you’re not happy to see me?”
Becca sits on a step outside her room and Ross proceeds to spill. his. heart. out. He tells Becca how much he loves her with a pretty great speech, and as he tries to win her back, all I’m thinking is, Can this dude be the next Bachelor? He speaks *way* better than Are. And he’s pretty cute. #RossForBachelor2019?
Becca then proceeds to tear sad Ross’s heart in two by telling him she doesn’t want to be with him, and he walks out of there looking like a sad puppy dog. Sorry boo, wish it would have worked out for you.
Becca immediately runs over to Arie’s place to make sure they are A OK, and after chatting about it all, they end their convo on a kind of weird note. But regardless, we still know she’s not going home.
Moving on to the second-last Rose Ceremony of Arie’s season! But before giving out the roses, Arie asks to pull Kendall aside AGAIN. And Lauren B is definitely all of us when she responds:
Respectfully, Arie sends Kendall home in this moment—opposed to sending her home in front of the other girls—and just like that, Becca and Lauren are the final two! Wow. Who knew this would happen?
That’s a wrap for (minus Ross, bless be) the most uneventful Fantasy Suites episode EVER. See you all back here next week for the finale!
Watch The Bachelor Mondays at 7:00 p.m. EST on City. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter for Sharleen Joynt’s always on-point recaps and more!