Welcome to episode 6 of The Bachelor! We’re in Paris this week which is really nice because it means Arie no longer has to lie about being in “the most romantic city in the world.” I was having a v. hard time getting on board with Fort Lauderdale as a love capital last week.
Actual footage of me when everyone and their sister was trying to sell Fort Lauderdale as “the perfect place to fall in love”
We start the episode off with Chris Harrison finally showing up to do his job. He has a quick chat with Arie about how things are going (like seriously where have you been, bro?) and then finds the girls to tell them that there will be a 2-on-1 this week. Wow, busy day for Chris.
Chris after working for a mere two hours:
Moving on to the first 1-on-1 of the evening—which is with Lauren B., and let me just say I am still not convinced that she is *not* Lauren B. from Ben’s season. Like, are they related or something?
Arie drops by to pick her up and they walk over to a vintage-looking wooden motor boat, which prompts Bekah to say “omg look they’re going on a gondola!” Hi Bekah, this is a gondola just for future reference:
Arie and Lauren B. motor off in their chic little boat and, little do they know they’re about to embark on the most awkward day of their lives. The two of them arrive on dry land and start exploring Paris—which Arie has now called “the city of love” like 50 friggin’ times—and it seems Lauren has already taken on the life of a Parisian mime because she is literally not speaking. Actual footage of Arie and Lauren B.’s conversation while walking the city:
Arie: Look at that big wheel of cheese
Arie: It’s soo pretty
Arie: Look how pretty that is
Lauren says all of five words the entire day, three of them being “wow” and Arie goes into the evening portion of the date thinking if she doesn’t open up he’ll have to send her home.
During their dinner date, Arie and Lauren B. go from basically not talking to saying waaay too much for a first date. Lauren B. tells Arie that she has been engaged before and then Arie tells Lauren that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child but miscarried while he was off racing. I’m sorry but how have we never heard this story before?
Arie to Lauren: My pregnant ex-girlfriend who was bearing my child had a miscarriage and I wasn’t there for her when it happened
Also Arie: Don’t worry it’s just the first date, we don’t have to open up too much
The date ends with Arie giving Lauren B. the rose and then, fortunately for us, they make out with very little tongue. It’s more than 30 minutes into the episode and Arie *hasn’t* sucked anyone’s face off yet. I’m shocked.
Moving on to this week’s Group Date, Arie takes the girls to Moulin Rouge where they get dressed up in revealing, over-the-top outfits (as per usual) and dance around on stage. Then the dance instructor announces that the winner of the Date Rose will get to perform onstage with Arie during the evening show. But that seems more like a punishment than a reward, no?
After sticking his tongue down her throat on the daytime portion of the Group Date, Bekah ends up getting the Date Rose and gets to perform with Arie onstage at the Moulin Rouge.
Meanwhile the girls are watching Bekah and Arie like this:
OK, time for the 2-on-1; a.k.a. the moment we’ve been waiting for all ep!
It ends up being with Krystal (obv) and Kendall, and I am actually concerned for Kendall’s well-being on this date because Krystal’s eyes are looking extra crazy today. Arie takes the girls to a gorgeous chateau in the countryside and, after making them search for him in a garden maze, he pulls Krystal aside first. Here’s how their convo goes. Spoiler: it’s infuriating.
Arie to Krystal: This [2-on-1] isn’t a punishment for last week, but I didn’t like the way you acted last week
Krystal apologizing to Arie: I’m sorry. I don’t want to throw away the textures of our relationship
Me trying to understand Krystal’s version of the English language:
*fast forward to two mins later where shizz gets real annoying*
Krystal to Arie: Idk if you’ve ever been in love but I don’t think Kendall is actually in a position for getting married and openly falling in love
Arie: So you feel like Kendall won’t be emotionally ready at the end of this?
Krystal: Yeah that’s what I’m saying
Meanwhile, everyone else watching from their couches at home:
Kendall finally gets her time with Arie—who obviously tells her everything Krystal said—and after doing her best to stand up for herself with Arie, she has a little 1-on-1 time with Krystal which had me slow clapping for a good five mins.
Kendall to Krystal: In what way do you feel I’m not ready to fall in love and get married?
Krystal, with a blank look on her face: …….I don’t know……
*Insert every eye-roll emoji possible*
Kendall then goes on to handle the conversation like a freaking queen. She tries to understand Krystal on a different level by comparing her to someone she’s dated before and then, instead of getting angry at her for talking mad shit (like a lot of the other girls probs would), she starts trying to empathize with Krystal and shows her some real compassion.
Kendall: *Grabs Krystal’s hands* You have so much beauty inside of you, I can see it. You’ve been through so much pain, more pain than I can even imagine and it seems very controlled. You shouldn’t try to control that pain
Krystal, with another blank look on her face: I don’t have words
After Krystal’s v. disappointing response to Kendall, Arie shows up and serves up some more disappointment by telling the girls he’s just not ready to make a decision yet. Dude you have ONE job.
Moving on to the evening portion of the date, Krystal is being extra irritating. She tells Kendall that she basically didn’t care about anything Kendall had to say to her earlier in the day and makes Kendall (and everyone watching) straight up L~O~L when she tries to say she doesn’t have trouble connecting with people.
Kendall: Krystal lives in a delusion
Arie finally shows up and—I’m going to skip to the good part because we didn’t see any of the 1-on-1 convos anyway—he FINALLY sends Krystal home.
My literal reaction to Arie giving Kendall the rose over Krystal:
Arie and Kendall leave Krystal crying alone at the table with a beautiful view of the Eiffel Tower—which seems much better/safer than that time Olivia Caridi got stranded on a sinking island after her 2-on-1, amiright?
Now that Krystal is out of the picture (except I feel like she’s a cockroach that won’t die and will probs be back) we can move on to Jacqueline’s 1-on-1 date. I know what you’re thinking: Jacqueline who?
Arie picks up Jacqueline—the psychiatry researcher-slash-Jenny Slate lookalike if you’re still not putting a face to the name—in a fancy red convertible and it breaks down in like five mins.
Jacqueline watching Arie try to fix the car: It’s hot when guys know things about things
Arie the race-car driver: *Doesn’t know how to fix car*
After realizing he probs actually knows nothing about cars, Arie calls them a cab and then takes Jacqueline shopping for a new outfit. She ends up with a hot black dress and matching heels, which she unfortch can’t walk in.
Actual footage of Jacqueline walking in her new heels:
Moving on to their dinner date, Jacqueline tells Arie that she still needs to do six more years of school in order to get a PhD and I’m confused at why she’s wasting her time on this show?
Arie to Jacqueline: I’ve been in relationships where I’ve held people back from their dreams. I don’t ever want to hold you back, I would never want you to give up your dreams to be with me
Also Arie: But I want to give you this Date Rose and continue dating you/holding you back
Time for Rose Ceremony because apparently Cocktail Party was cancelled? Good thing we (or the girls) were never informed—I guess Chris Harrison was really tired from the other day. Anyway, Arie ends up sending home Chelsea (aw) and Jenna who has a literal breakdown event though I’m p. sure she talked to Arie like, twice?
And that’s a wrap! At the end of the episode we see Lauren B. crying (to a producer?) about how great of a guy Arie is so; not really sure what’s happening there but I’m sure we’ll find out next week. See you then!