Welcome back to another week of The Bachelor! Which, thanks to Krystal and her v. unstable behavior, was actually preeetty entertaining. Despite the fact that Arie is boring AF, I *actually* think this might be a good season. Excuse me while I celebrate.
We start this week’s ep off with the girls talking about Arie and Bekah’s 14-year age gap, so I’m pretty excited for that to be addressed later on. Mostly because Bekah annoys me and I want her to go home.
As the girls sit around and talk shit about one another, good ol’ Chris Harrison walks in to announce that they’re finally leaving the Bachelor Mansion and starting their around-the-world journey. First stop: Lake Tahoe. The girls arrive at a luxe cabin, and Kendall is having a freaking field day because there is literally taxidermy in every room. And once they’re all settled in, the first Date Card is dropped off, which is a 1-on-1 for Seinne—yay, I like her.
Krystal in her ITM: Seinne is going on a 1-on-1 today and she’s probably going home tonight. It makes me happy.
While Arie and Seinne start out on their date, the girls are back at their cabin in the woods where they’re standing outside staring at the lake through binoculars and I’m literally dying because Marikh is deffo looking at them from the wrong end.
Back on the date, Arie and Seinne go parasailing and I really underestimated Arie’s ability to bore me to no ends because somehow, he’s even dull while soaring through the air.
Once they get back on dry land, they start chatting about their lives and stuff, and I. AM. SO. FREAKING BORED. I’m defs not feeling ANY connection between them at all (also, Seinne’s just way too smart for Arie) but they end up making out anyway, obv.
While Arie sticks his tongue all the way down Seinne’s throat, Maquel gets a sad phone call from her mom, saying that her grandpa had unexpectedly passed away. I literally cannot even imagine not being able to say goodbye to a loved one because I was on the freaking Bachelor, so that’s really sad. Obviously, she decides to leave to be with her family but hopefully she comes back!
Moving on to the only Group Date of the episode (I’m skipping over Seinne and Arie’s dinner date because booooring, tho she *did* get a rose). The date—which is a mixture of The Bachelor, Survivor and Fear Factor—consists of everyone minus Seinne and Bekah (meaning Bekah has the next 1-on-1) and has the girls *almost* drinking their own pee/eating bugs for Arie’s love.
Everyone on this weird-ass date: I’ll drink my pee for Arie! I’ll do anything for Arie!
Me: WHO ARE THESE GIRLS
After completing some weird challenges, everyone splits up into teams to navigate themselves through the forest. For Caroline, Tia, Kendall and Krystal—who were lucky enough to be on Arie’s team—it’s just a fun hike through the woods. But for Marikh, who was so out of her element and using her compass as a mirror (poor girl), it wasn’t quite as enjoyable.
One by one the groups find their way to “the special location”—a giant hot tub—and obvi Krystal is whining and pouting about having to share her time with Arie.
Krystal in her ITM: I feel like I’m at like, a high school camp and everyone’s into the camp counsellor. I’m confused as to is this real life?
Me: It’s not. It’s The Bachelor
K, moving on to the evening portion of the Group Date, where shizz gets *really* good.
Krystal *who is the most obsessed with getting time with Arie* complaining about Group Dates in her ITM: Just being on the Group Date, these girls being so, almost obnoxiously, overbearing with their need to be seen
Me: You are literally describing yourself
Also, Chelsea imitated Krystal’s v. irritating baby voice in her ITM and I love her now.
Krystal complains to the girls about not getting enough time with Arie in a Group Date setting and everyone—including myself—is *so* over her.
Tia: When Krystal talks, my face just goes
After Krystal complains to the girls, she finds Arie so she can complain to him as well. Honestly, every time Krystal talks I want to put my head straight through a wall. Her voice is comparable to the noise of nails on a chalkboard.
After crying to Arie about “feeling hurt by the other girls” (ugh, cry me a freaking river) Krystal pulls Tia and Caroline aside to confront them because apparently, she didn’t appreciate the way they treated her in the hot tub when Arie had his arm around her. To recap: Krystal and Arie were being all cuddly in the hot tub in front of everyone, so to make light of the situation Caroline and Tia put their arms around each other and joked that they were dating.
Tia to Krystal: Pls don’t play the victim right now
Krystal: I’m not at all…
Completely done with Krystal’s BS, Tia walks away from their conversation (as would I) and finds Arie to talk, not about Krystal, but their connection which I loved. And clearly so did Arie because it got her the Group Date Rose. Hey Krystal,
Krystal in her ITM after not getting the rose: I’m sorry I just feel like a lot of the girls here don’t operate at my level
Moving on to Bekah’s 1-on-1 date, they go on a horseback ride through the forest and then enjoy a little hot-tub sesh together where they actually have some good, naturally-flowing conversation. But I’m going to skip to the evening portion of their date because that’s where things get interesting.
They continue to have really open and honest conversation, and then Bekah tells Arie that she’s only 22 and his reaction is priceless.
Actual footage of Arie finding out Bekah is 22:
Arie to Bekah *as she sips her wine that she was just able to drink legally as of last year:* My biggest concern is that you’re just not ready for this
Me to Arie:
We can literally see the wheels turning in Arie’s head and he’s obv feeling v. sketchy about their age difference, but he ends up giving her the rose anyway.
Skipping right to Rose Ceremony now, because the Cocktail Party was cancelled. Before Arie starts handing roses out, Krystal obviiiii interrupts and asks to steal him away for a sec. Ugh.
Krystal puts her little puppy dog face on and pouts her way through telling Arie that she’s here for him and the whole convo had me in a constant <<eye roll>>.
Arie *finally* starts giving out roses and Krystal obviously gets one, but he saved her until last which made me v. happy.
Brittany T. and Caroline end up getting sent home, and as I watch them cry—and listen to Caroline say she’s “heartbroken” (seems a little early for that, no?)—I wish I could yell to them IT’S JUST ARIE.
And that’s a wrap! See you next week for more Krystal kraziness which has sadly become my fave thing ever.