Welcome to episode 3 of The Bachelor. I am v. v. pleased inform you that this week was *way* better than the last two.
We start this ep off with the girls recapping the Rose Ceremony from the night before. If you don’t remember, Krystal stole time from Arie THREE times while already having a rose from her 1-on-1 and Bibiana lost her shizzz. BTW, the two of them were sitting next to each other during this little group chat which I’m betting was *not* their choice if you catch my drift.
OK moving right on to the first Group Date—a v. traumatic wrestling date.
Jaqueline learning it’s a wrestling Group Date: This is not good. Some of the girls have been at each other’s throats a little bit (*cough cough Bibiana and Krystal*) and now they’ll have the chance to…actually kill each other
Meanwhile, me if I was ever put on this group date:
Chris Harrison brings out two female wrestlers from the OG ’80s version of GLOW to teach the girls how to wrestle/make them cry.
Brunette GLOW girl (a.k.a the scarier one): You’re all pathetic!
Bibiana: Thanks for the motivation…
GLOW girl: Awwww did I hurt your feelings? What’s your name?
GLOW girl: Did your mom know how to spell when she gave you that name? It doesn’t even make sense. Bibiana what is that?
Bibiana crying in her ITM: Bitch you don’t even know my mom!
It doesn’t take long for Tia—who, BTW, I will be calling Raven #2 from here on out—to start crying as well because the same GLOW wrestler scares the shit out of her. Honestly, the girls should probs know that it’s all for show but TBH if I were on this date, I’d be straight up Ashley I.-ing it and balling in a corner, too.
Moving on to the actual wrestling match—of course, all the girls are given these raunchy “alter egos” that Arie most defs picked out just to see them in tight outfits like Bekah’s “sex kitten” suit.
And then there’s Bibiana, who gets stuck with the Bridezilla costume complete with a Godzilla mask and horrid green lipstick. This girl can’t catch a damn break.
Before the wrestling match begins, Chris Harrison brings out Kenny—the wrestler/adorable dad from Rachel’s season—to kick Arie’s ass in the ring and I have literally never felt so happy in my life.
Honestly, I am *so* here for the return of Kenny. Can he be the Bachelor instead?
The actual wrestling matches finally begins and it’s v. concerning how into it both Bekah and Krystal are.
Krystal in her ITM after throwing Jaqueline around like a literal rag doll: I slammed her down a couple times and I had SO much fun
As if this entire thing isn’t already totally weird and awkward to watch, when Marikh and Lauren B. get into the ring things get v. sexual and they turn their wrestling match into what I can only assume was meant to be the beginning of a striptease.
Me/everyone in the audience as Marikh and Lauren B. “fought” each other in the ring:
Moving on to the evening portion of the date, Krystal obv steals Arie away first and TBH, I’m not fully convinced that she is *not* on some sort of mind-altering substance. Does anyone else feel that way? Why does she always sound like she’s out of breath?
Also, her fake voice is so annoying and makes me want to put my head through a wall.
After asking Arie if she should be more aggressive or laid-back on group dates—she comes to the conclusion that she’s going to be aggressive BTW, shocker—Bibiana *finally* gets her time with Arie but unfortch she’s in self-sabotage mode and only talks about the house tension.
Meanwhile, Krystal makes her way back to the girls and starts spouting a bunch of lies.
Krystal: Has everyone talked to Arie? I just want all the girls to have their time and not be stressed if you’re fighting for it.
Bekah’s face (as well as my own):
She’s deffo being condescending to the girls because she thinks her relationship is the strongest and I hate it.
Next up to get time with Arie is Raven #2 and they seem to have a pretty good connection, I’m predicting she’ll at least make it to Final Four.
Last up is Bekah and of course, they have another hardcore makeout sesh—complete with a gross amount of tongue and straddling—which makes me wanna vom (mostly because I can’t get it out of my head that he’s 14 years older than her). *shudder*
Bekah OBVI gets the Date Rose (I’m guessing for her makeout skills and *not* her wrestling skills) and Krystal. is. shook.
Krystal five mins before Arie gave out the Date Rose: These girls are living in a false sense of reality. I have the strongest connection because I’ve had a 1-on-1.
And me five mins later when Krystal *didn’t* get the Date Rose:
Fast-forward to the first and only 1-on-1 of the ep. Arie takes Lauren S. to Napa Valley (a.k.a. my dream date location, if anyone’s keeping track) for a fancy wine tasting and it makes me feel self-conscious about the $12 bottle I’m currently drinking.
They have a pretty dece day walking through the romantic vineyards but unfortch, Lauren S. can’t take the pressure during their dinner date and starts word vomming her life story to Arie—mom’s past eye infections and all—and he ends up sending her home.
Back at the mansion, the girls see Lauren S.’s suitcase get taken away and while Caroline cries over her friend being sent home, Krystal starts lecturing the girls on making the most of their time with Arie.
Caroline in her ITM: I just want her to go home.
Skipping to the final Group Date of the ep: a puppy date! A.K.A. Annaliese’s biggest nightmare.
Arie tells the girls that they’re going to be doing a dog show and of course, Annaliese starts crying because apparently it’s not enough to have childhood bumper car trauma, she also has childhood dog trauma. This girl is *too* much.
*Cue truly fantastic fake flashback to Annaliese’s traumatic experience with a dog*
Honestly, whichever Bachelor editor is creating these flashbacks deserves a freaking Emmy.
Arie: I love dogs so it would be awesome to find a woman who shares that interest.
Me: Lol, bye Annaliese.
Also, do you think Annaliese would cry if she saw this cartoon GIF of a dog in a bumper car?
The dog show begins, with host Chris Harrison and guest host Fred Willard (from Best in Show) who is on the verge of falling asleep in his chair (partially due to the terrible show the girls are putting on but also probably because he’s really old) and the entire thing is a gigantic train wreck. Moving on.
Nothing overly interesting happens during the evening portion of the date. Arie forms stronger connections with Caroline, Becca K. and Chelsea—who gets the Date Rose. And Annaliese continues her downward spiral by having a v. awkward convo with Arie. She’s defs going home tonight.
Time for the Cocktail Party! Poor Bibiana puts together a little romantic set-up outside for Arie, which ends up being used by every single girl BUT her. Awks.
Bibiana after Arie asks for five more minutes with Lauren B., whilst they sit on the bed *she* set up for him: The struggle is real.
After Bibiana’s unfortunate set-up mishap, the rest of the Cocktail Party revolves around Annaliese and her hunt to kiss Arie so we’ll recap it in phases.
Phase 1: Annaliese stress eats and stress drinks over having not kissed Arie yet.
Phase 2: Annaliese reapplies her lipstick and sets out to kiss Arie.
Phase 3: Annaliese pulls Arie away and takes him on the longest walk around the Bachelor Mansion. #procrastinationatitsfinest
Phase 4: Annaliese gets REJECTED due to the fact Arie thinks they’re “just not there yet.” A.K.A. he’s just not that into her. Ouch.
After an insanely uncomfortable kiss with Jenna (the way she kisses Arie reminds me of Isla Fisher’s cray-cray character from Wedding Crashers) Annaliese steals Arie away again to put all her cards on the table and complete the fifth and final phase of her evening.
Annaliese to Arie: Do you see potential for us?
Arie: Basically, no.
With Lauren S. and Annaliese both gone, this leaves only one girl to be sent home during Rose Ceremony and unfortunately for our comedic relief it was Bibiana. But like, fair because the two of them talked for a total of 7 mins in the past three episodes.
And that’s a wrap for this week! See you back here next week for more on Krystal’s fake-ass voice and Arie’s “pillow lips.” The preview looks GREAT and I actually have hope for this season.