This week’s emotionally frustrating ep starts off, finally, in a new freaking location: Puerto Plata. And we. are. pumped.
The girls arrive at their new home, and apparently, Bachelor Canada blew the entire season’s budget on the first resort in Costa Rica because this one has about half the square footage. Where TF is the infinity pool?
As they settle into their new digs, Jessie continues to complain about her ongoing—and v. annoying—feud with Brittany M. because unfortunately, what happens in Costa Rica *doesn’t* stay in Costa Rica.
Then, good old Noah Cappe casually strolls in with a Michael Hill bag (JK they’ve still got a bit of budget money kickin’ around) and says “for one of you, this could be the date of your life.”
Us: Brittany, it’s not gonna be you. Stop thinking it’s gonna be you
Mikaela reading the date card out loud: Brittany
Mikaela hands Brittany M. the Michael Hill bag, clearly holding back the urge to punch her in the face, and literally everyone is so pissed.
Mikaela in her ITM as Meghan stress chugs the rest of her champagne: Thinking about Brittany M.’s romantic date makes me want to throw up on myself
Brittany M. starts opening up her Michael Hill gifties from Chris, while the girls stare at her like this:
Imagine if when Brittany opened the Michael Hill box there was a note from Chris saying “PSYCH! The date is actually for Catie, gotcha lol.” And by imagine, I mean that’s what we were hoping would happen. But alas, inside the purple box were dainty diamond earrings and a matching necklace fit for a pageant queen (Brittany M. is a pageant queen IRL if you didn’t get that reference).
Actual footage of Brittany M. after opening her present from Chris:
Brittany shows up to her date in the most confusing dress/shorts ensemble that TBH, gave us a headache after two seconds of looking at it.
And then Chris takes her up in a helicopter to see the beautiful Dominican Republic #views but unfortch they don’t see much because they were macking the whole time. You know what they say, blink hardcore make out and you might miss it.
Actual footage of Chris mid-helicopter ride realizing they’ve been kissing the whole time and missing the scenery:
Meanwhile back at the resort, the girls are all hurt that Brittany is on the date, and then Lyndsey proceeds to tell everyone that Brittany wrote a note for Chris and left it for him on the last group date (which we found out about last ep).
All the girls are super pissed about the note and say it’s unfair. UMMMM have you never seen the show? Remember when Nick lied and said he was Andi’s husband to get into her hotel room? Or when Corinne snuck over to Nick’s hotel suite in the hopes of having sex with him? Grow up, a note is child’s play.
Jumping back to the date, Chris and Brittany finish up their helicopter ride makeout sesh and are now engaging in some softcore porn at a fancy resort.
Brittany to Chris: Can I straddle you?
Us: Are we still watching the right show?
Moving on to the evening portion of their date, Brittany shows up wearing a gown and the jewelry Chris gave her. He seems super into her and ends up giving her the Date Rose because he says he was able to get past the passionate phase of their relationship and connect on a more emotional level. Are you sure, Chris?
Time for the first group date! Jessie, Meghan and Kait are chosen for the date and Chris takes them deep sea fishing—a.k.a every girls dream date. Not.
Us to the girls about to go attempt catching giant slimy fish in the middle of the ocean:
Poor Meghan is *so* seasick and literally holding back vomit. Chris comforts her for like five seconds and then starts fishing again. So Jessie—who is apparently an experienced fisher and knows the ins and outs of seasickness—sacrifices her time with Chris to comfort Meghan. K, that was nice.
Meanwhile Kait’s taking advantage of the situation and is all like “why would I help Megan when I can talk to Chris?”
Jessie: No pun intended, but Kait is fishy.
Chris then realizes how much pain Meghan is in and offers to take her up front so he can comfort her. As they’re walking away, Kait actually yells out “hold your hair back” as if she’s going to vom.
Meghan’s face has now officially turned as white as paper, so Chris decides to turn the ship around and head back to dry land. Here’s hoping Chris noticed how kind Jessie was in that situation and gives her the Group Date Rose, NOT Kait. But in all seriousness poor Megs, girl can’t catch a break.
As Chris and the girls return to the beach, back at the resort the rest of the girls confront Brittany M. about the note she left Chris and we literally just cannot with this drama because it seems so petty and childish. Not that we’re rooting for Brittany or anything, but they’re obvs just jealous they didn’t think of it first. And as Brittany pointed out, a two-sentence letter probs isn’t the reason she got the 1-on-1.
Moving on to the evening portion of the Group Date, and we can’t even believe how freaking rude and condescending Kait is to Meghan. So let’s just do a play by play shall we?
Kait in her ITM: Sitting there with Meghan, I’m feeling a little awkward and uncomfortable. During the day I felt jealousy from her of my connection with Chris
Us: Ummmm p. sure she was more focused on not throwing up but whatevs.
Kait to Meghan: Tell me what you’re going to do when you get home?
Us: OH NO SHE DID NOT
Kait in her ITM: I can definitely see that Meghan is jealous of me and my range of experience.
Us: Omg get over yourself.
Kait to Meghan: Tell me about the town you live in, like what’s even there?
And if that’s not grossly rude enough, when Jessie mentions to Kait that Meghan is going to tell Chris she wants him to take her more seriously, SHE STARTS LAUGHING.
Us watching Kait put Meghan down:
Well jokes on you Kait, because Chris gave Meghan the Group Date Rose.
The next morning, all the girls seem kind of OK that Meghan has a rose—which just speaks to her sweet-hearted character—EXCEPT for Brittany M. and Kait of course, who all of a sudden are super villain besties and the Queens of Condescension.
Moving on from Kait and Brittany’s childish behavior and onto the second Group Date—it’s a baseball date! We knew there’d be at least one this season.
They play a little pickup game with some cutie local children and everyone kind of sucks at baseball, except for Lyndsey who Chris chooses as his MVP and rewards her with some 1-on-1 time. Their evening date starts off really good with a steamy hot kiss but Chris brings it to a quick stop so he can brings up Lyndsey’s age, again.
Chris to Lyndsey: I think back to when I was 23 and I had no idea what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. Like, are you mature?
Honestly Chris is being v. ageist and comparing his immature 23-year-old self to Lyndsey and We. Are. Not. Here. For It. She’s literally more mature than half the women here… GET OVER IT.
(Side note: As a 23-year-old myself—living a pretty great life, working my dream job and confident in who I want to be/what I want to do—I feel personally offended for Lyndsey.)
Lyndsey replies with an assertive “I know what I want” (you tell him, girl!) and then tells the most beautiful story in her ITM about wanting the kind of love her grandparents had and how her grandpa brought his wife home from the hospital when she was on her deathbed to take her out to their apple tree one last time. We’re not crying, *you’re* crying.
Also, not only is Lyndsey defs mature enough for Chris, she also clearly must have magical powers because her hair has stayed lusciously perfect even throughout a tropical thunderstorm.
Chris decides he’s going to get past the age thing because “he doesn’t go for safe choices” and gives her the Date Rose. But honestly if he brings it up one more time we will flip a table.
Cocktail Party time! Catie’s eyes are looking v. intense and she is on a mission to tell Chris how she feels. So she pulls him away first and then, in literally one breath, gives him this serious speech about her intentions and we don’t think she blinked once. All in all, the convo didn’t go stellar—she didn’t tell Chris she was falling in love with him (probs for the best this isn’t the time or place)—but Chris takes her intense vibes with a grain of salt, realizing that this experience can be hard on people.
Brittany M. is the girl who steals Chris away even though she already has a rose and naturally all the girls are pissed. INCLUDING Mikaela but uhhh p. sure you did that a few weeks ago, Mikaela.
Moving on to Rose Ceremony, Kait is sure she’s going to get a rose because she’s a “beautiful complete woman” *insert every eye roll emoji ever* and Chris ends up sending Lisa home, which we’re not shocked about, TBH. She says her goodbyes and then gives THE BEST Bachelor exit of all time:
Lisa exiting the resort sans tears: I get to go home and see my squirrels. He’s a human and I’m a mermaid. And I looked good tonight so I’m going home still being myself and still being hot. I know my journey for love isn’t over.
And that’s a wrap for this week! See you back here next Thursday for what looks like more eye-rolling Brittany fakeness.
Watch The Bachelor Canada Wednesdays at 9:00 p.m. EST on W Network. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter for Sharleen Joynt’s always on-point recaps and more!