We start this week’s Bachelor Canada episode off with a communal “good riddance” and sigh of relief because, yep, Shanti is GONEEEE. Let’s celebrate, shall we?
But of course, there’s a new house vill in town (because god forbid we go one episode without one) and as predicted, it’s Brittany M.
The reasoning behind Brittany M.’s new villain title? She keeps cooking for the girls, so naturally they accuse her of trying to get them fat.
As the girls munch on all of Mama Brittany’s sugary treats, Noah drops off the first Date Card of the week. Sweet sweet Meghan from Newfoundland reads the card out loud—which says “get ready to join the mile-high club”—and the poor girl legitimately DOES NOT KNOW what “mile high club” means. Why is Meghan so cute?!?!
She proceeds to awkwardly laugh that “I don’t get the joke but I’m going to pretend to” laugh and then announces that she, Catie, Mikaela and Stacy will be going on the first Group Date.
Actual footage of Meghan reading the mile-high club reference:
The girls get to the Group Date and find out they’re going zip lining—which sounds so whatevs but the one that they’re doing literally looks like the Zip Line to Death and Meghan ugly cries the entire way down. We’re with you girl, if we were on this date we’d be like:
Back at the resort, the girls confront Brittany M. about her cooking:
April to Brittany M: It’s like you’re trying to fatten us up before we go on the date
Brittany M: If you feel like it’s fattening you up then just don’t eat it…
Also Brittany M: It’s called self-control just don’t eat the food
Later in her ITM, April repeats the fact that she doesn’t trust Brittany M. and is positive she’s trying to get them fat so she can have Chris all to herself. This is officially the dumbest feud in Bachelor history, we can’t.
Back on the group date, Chris and the girls sit down to celebrate a great day with some bubbly but Mikaela steals Chris away before he can even swallow his first sip.
They have a good chat; she tells an emotional story about being bullied as a kid, and then Stacy (the “I like to take things slow” girl) interrupts them for what will hopefully be their first kiss. Here’s how it goes:
Chris to Stacy: The first time we spent time together I wanted to kiss you but I didn’t think you wanted me to
Stacy: I want to feel 100 percent with the man that I’m with before I kiss them
*Stacy laughs awkwardly *
Stacy: I just wanted to kiss you there
Chris: Well you should have
Stacy: Should I?
Stacy finally gathers up the nerve to kiss Chris—after taking what feels like 10 years off our lives—but we’re not feeling it.
Later, a v. nervous Meghan gets some 1-on-1 time with Chris where she asks him things like what kind of rock bands he listens to. She’s so awkward but TBH we can totes relate because let’s be real: Meghan talking to Chris is literally ALL OF US talking to our crush. And if you’re shaking your head in disagreement RN you’re lying.
Catie interrupts their convo, and Meghan leaves feeling uncertain about where they stand and starts crying in her ITM because she thinks the other girls have stronger connections with Chris. UGH. Meghan is so insecure and it’s so freaking frustrating because she’s beautiful, funny and kind-hearted and we just want to be like
Anyway, Mikaela ends up getting the Group Date Rose which makes her feel “so so so so amazing” and Meghan starts crying again.
Time for Group Date numba two. The girls ride up in a bright orange van with “Sunwing” written in giant white letters (v. subtle, Sunwing…), and Chris tells them they’re going to a fiesta—so why are they dressed for the Calgary Stampede?
They go to the fiesta for like five seconds and then Chris shows the girls to the mechanical bull that they’ll be riding.
Us if we were on this date:
Chris informs the girls that whoever stays on the longest will get extra time with him. So naturally Brittany M. treats the competition like it’s the freaking Olympics—girl doesn’t even act fazed when she smashes her face off the bull. Why is Brittany M. so. damn. extra?
Meanwhile, back at camp, Mikaela finds the 1-on-1 Date Card—which obvs Kait gets because she’s the only one who didn’t have a date this week—and she’s like, not even that excited. Annoying.
Skipping to the evening portion of the group date: after almost losing her teeth on the bull, Brittany M. gets extra time with Chris (along with Dee, Lyndsey and some other girl we don’t remember). And after hardcore making out with Chris and telling him that she “likes to get what she wants” (ugh) Brittany M. gets the Group Date Rose.
Us when Brittany M. gets the Group Date Rose:
The next morning, Brittany M. walks out with the group date rose in her friggin’ hair (rude) and the girls are just like:
And now moving on to Kait’s 1-on1, we’re super hoping to find out what the actual eff a “luxury travel nomad” is.
Chris teaches her to surf (kind of), and then they retire to the beach for what Kait refers to as “D&Ms” (deep and meaningfuls). Replace the word “fetch” with “D&Ms” below:
Kait drops the, “I don’t think you are who you say you are” bomb on Chris and then tells him a D&M story about the time she got ghosted by a guy—as if she’s the only girl in the world that’s ever happened to.
Chris gives Kait the date rose, the date ends, and we still have no friggin’ clue what a luxury travel nomad is. *frustration builds*
Cocktail party time! Jessie, a girl we find quite annoying TBH, steals Chris away first by shouting “ME ME ME” and has a D&M (OK maybe this *is* happening) with Chris about getting kicked out of her house at 14. They kiss and Jessi leaves the convo feeling good. But like, you’re not gonna win girl.
Mikaela decides to be The Girl Who Steals Chris Away Even Though She Has a Rose and interrupts Lisa’s 1-on-1 time.
Lisa, the girl talking to Chris about squirrels: We were having a really good conversation!!
All the girls are pissed at Mikaela but she literally does not care at all and is just like
And off to Rose Ceremony they go! Chris says goodbye to Brittany W. (who we honestly don’t remember at all), and April—the girl who was convinced Brittany M. was trying to get everyone fat. And that’s a wrap for this week! Hopefully next week they go somewhere new, we’re over Costa Rica. See you then!
Watch The Bachelor Canada Wednesdays at 9:00 p.m. EST on W Network. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter for Sharleen Joynt’s always on-point recaps and more!