Pizza Pizza, the ubiquitous Canadian purveyor of you-know-what, is a reliable last-minute meal option. Will your friends, family and/or coworkers deign you a tastemaker at the sight of a stack of orange boxes? Not a chance. Will they still eat up the simple carbs-sauce-cheese combo contained within? You betcha.
This go-to order is what immediately came to mind when we heard the latest news out of Bachelor Nation–yes, Colton Underwood is our newest Bachelor. The announcement had been rumoured online, and then Becca Kufrin’s cast-off appeared on Good Morning America today to confirm the news. As the 26-year-old told GMA’s Michael Strahan, after appearing on The Bachelorette and a dullsville season of Bachelor in Paradise, he hopes the third time on a Bachelor Nation property *just* might be the charm. While we’d been hoping a different dude would’ve assumed Arie’s dubious crown—PETER KRAUS FOREVER—here’s why we can’t say we’re surprised.
He’s a familiar entity
Long gone are the days of being introduced to a brand-new Bachelor on Night One. The reality-TV powers that be *love* the chance to bring back the same characters over and over. Not only have we followed this inoffensive gent through his heartbreaking split with Becca, but we were also there to witness his beachside breakup with Tia. (The latter was broadcast the night before he announced his latest gig.) Yes, he’s fresh off an on-off romance and more ready than ever to embark on a new chapter in his journey to find love. Tia, for her part, promises she won’t be part of it.
And NO I will NOT be a contestant on Colton’s season. Lord bless.
— Tia Booth (@tiarachel91) September 4, 2018
He’s cut from the same cloth as previous leads
We’d like to think that those behind the dramz on The Bachelor heard our pleas for more diversity, but no. With his square jaw and action-hero physique, Colton represents a step in the, er, same direction as all of the classically handsome (and classically white) Bachelors that came before. Rather than react to any criticism thrown the franchise’s way, producers are committed to a formula that has, admittedly, gotten us to season 23.
To All The Boys Becca Kufrin Loved Before Who Would’ve Made More Interesting Bachelors https://t.co/cIcrlDvre1
— Rosemary Donahue (@rosadona) September 4, 2018
He’s willing to be vulnerable
The ability to “open up” is a mandatory requirement for all Bachelors—and between his willingness to repeatedly cry on camera and inability to make decisions, Colton has this quality in spades. And despite the fact that producers seemed to be playing him in Paradise, Colton is apparently willing to sign up for more. (And it doesn’t seem like a stretch to say there will be tears.)
He checks all the feel-good boxes
From appearances, Colton is a stand-up guy who loves spending time with his family and his dogs, Sniper and Thor. And we’d never knock his admirable work with The Legacy Foundation, a non-profit he started to raise money for research and resources for those living with cystic fibrosis—like his cousin, Harper.
He doesn’t appear to be a predator
Will Colton’s journey be the most dramatic season in Bachelor history? Probably not. He’s a boring pick, but also someone who seems unlikely to have a problematic past. And if we’ve learned anything lately, it’s that it’s way too easy for problematic people to find their way into the Mansion. After scandals about racist social media posts and alleged sexual misconduct have plagued recent seasons, choosing Colton seems to be a safe option. As one of our fave Bach alums, Ashley Spivey points out, the bar is incredibly low.
But after this dumpster fire of a past season with very disgusting men, I think I’m ok with Colton.
— Ashley Spivey (@AshleySpivey) September 4, 2018
So come on, grab a slice and watch with us. Sure, Colton isn’t *exactly* the contestant you were craving, but it doesn’t mean you won’t wolf his season down.
How Bachelor Nation’s Leo Dottavio Went From Inoffensive to Total Villain in 5 Key Moves
The Latest Bachelor Nation Breakup + All the Official Bachelor Couples Ever
“It Gave Ashley a Story:” A Bachelor Expert on How the Franchise Handles Virginity