Real talk: the season premiere of Bachelor in Paradise was surprisingly… uneventful. We’re already over the Tia-Colton dramz and there weren’t any awkward sunburns, “Boom Boom Room” footage or drunken mishaps to keep us invested. Also, was anyone else wondering where the heck Jorge was?
Good thing Bibiana Julian and Jordan Kimball saved us from reaching peak boredom with their hilarious one-liners and OTT personalities. These are our fave LOL-worthy moments that prove that a 30-year-old executive assistant and a 26-year-old male model can make true summer television magic together.
When Jordan feasted on a rubber chicken
The episode starts off with Jordan roasting—literally—his arch nemesis David (a.k.a. Chicken Man) by cutting up a rubber chicken, putting it in the oven and then eating it. If this is a sneak peek of what’s to come in their hilarious rivalry, we cannot wait.
When Bibiana had her priorities straight
“If my ass gets blurred, I’m doing something right,” she said, while rolling around on the beach in a bikini. We love a booty-poppin’ queen!
When Jordan posed in his gold undies on the beach
The BIP producers blessed us in this year’s opening montage with our fave male model, in nothing but his golden underpants, posing on the beach like a freakin’ merman. Hands-down the best damn thing we’ve seen in a while.
When Bibiana got candid about her cooch
After a bumpy ride to Paradise, she told Chris Harrison that “this is the most action my uterus has had in a while” before she walked down the beach to greet her fellow BIP castmates. She later proceeded to tell the camera that, “I’m waiting for my hoo-hah to whisper, ‘This is a good one’,” referring to her “strategy” to find love in Paradise. Let your punani lead the way, girl.
When Jordan breaks the awkward silence by talking about crabs (not the STI)
Things got v. awkward when Krystal and Jordan were stuck in the pool together and seemingly run out of conversational topics FAST. And so, they begin talking about animals (been there—I once asked a guy whether his dog was spayed on a first date). Just as a crab *conveniently* crawls behind Jordan—we see you, producers—he tells her:
When Bibiana said what we’re all thinking about Grocery Store Joe
We didn’t think our gal Bibi could get any more relatable until she said “Okurrr” à la Cardi B after the girls were talking about how smokin’ hot Grocery Store Joe is.
When Jordan humbly praised Paradise… and himself
“A place as beautiful as me—finally.”
Listen up y’all. Finding “love” is great, but we’re tuning in every week purely for Bibs and Jordan—because even though it’s only the first episode, they’ve already won the whole damn show.