OK you guys, the moment we’ve all been waiting for is *finally* here—the finale of The Bachelorette (!!) and TBH if we don’t see Peter with his shirt off tonight, we’re gonna freak. Note: Has anyone else noticed there unfortch lack of shirtless dudes this season?
Anyhoo, we start the “most dramatic event of the summer” off with Chris Harrison assuring us that his viewing party will be “the best Bachelor viewing party in the world” and then brings Rachel out on stage to watch the ENTIRE episode with him. K, this is actually pretty awesome. Chris Harrison, you delivered tonight.
We finally start the actual episode where we left off; with Peter and Rachel trying to sort out their pretty un-sortable views on proposing. To recap, Peter’s not so sure about it and Rachel wants a proposal no matter what. As Hilary Duff, circa Cinderella Story days, would say, waiting for Peter and Rachel to figure their shit out is like waiting for rain during a drought—useless and disappointing.
But regardless of their polar opposite views on proposing, Peter accepts the key to the Fantasy Suite. And looking back on that smokin’ hot tub sesh they had a few weeks back, it was probably a pretty good night. Just saying.
As amazing as it must have been waking up next to Peter’s perfect face (sans shirt, finally!) Rachel leaves their overnight date uncertain about their relationship because, duh they didn’t work anything out.
K, time for Bryan’s date (ugh) which will probs just be one big slobber fest. Double ugh.
They go horseback riding and then, instead of having a hot and heavy makeout sesh as per ushe, have a super uncomfortable convo. It’s obvious that Rachel’s mind is on Peter (but I mean, can you blame her?) and Bryan is not oblivious to it.
During their dinner date, Bryan tells Rachel that he was feeling weird about earlier and to make him feel better, she tells him it was nothing personal and gives him a kiss. And for the first time, like ever, Bryan keeps his tongue INSIDE his own mouth. Whoa, who knew that was even possible? Of course, it came right back out the second they got to their Fantasy Suite.
Time for Rose Ceremony #1 and everyone minus Peter (obv) is wearing a questionable outfit: Eric is wearing a white t-shirt under his suit jacket with white sneaks (so not Rose Ceremony approps) and Bryan is wearing a horrid-coloured suit that does NOT fit him right. Peter of course looks gorg in a perfectly fitting, royal blue suit. Bless.
Side note: Has the stress of being on The Bachelorette made Bryan grey? He has almost caught up to Peter.
Rachel shows up to Rose Ceremony—in a sheer red dress with the most bomb sleeves we’ve ever seen—and starts her speech about wanting a fiancé, not a boyfriend, and Peter proceeds to freak the actual eff out.
Rachel sends Eric home and even though we expected it, our hearts broke even more than we thought possible. He says a v. mature speech thanking Rachel for opening him up and then off to Paradise he goes.
Back at the “best Bachelor viewing party in the world,” Chris Harrison brings out Eric and after seeing his new and improved facial hair situation (srsly he looks smoking hot) Rachel’s like daaaamn should’ve picked Eric.
Rachel after seeing Eric at the viewing party:
Time for Bryan’s final date before the proposal and Rachel takes him up in a hot air balloon at like, 5:30 a.m. [Serious question: How can you even think about romance before six in the morning?] We don’t see much else of their day date, and skip right to the evening where Bryan continually reassures us that Rachel will be making a mistake if she doesn’t pick him and we’re just like…
Then, he gives Rachel this DIY Spanish dictionary—since her Spanish skills aren’t so on-point—and even though it looks like it was made by a second grader, Rachel seemed to really appreciate it.
Time for Peter’s literal final date and Rachel takes him to a beautiful church where a pastor talks to them about marriage. But all we can pay attention to is Peter and how that green sweater is accentuating his perfect green eyes.
After talking to the pastor, Peter and Rachel walk outside to have a chat and Peter continues to whine about his proposal insecurities and says he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to make this decision in the next 24 hours. And I kid you not, right when Peter said this my dog started barking at the TV almost as if he was saying “come on man, get it together.”
Fast forward to the evening portion of their date where things get super emotional and tense. Oh, and they’re wearing matching outfits so basically it has all the ingredients for a perfect Bachelorette scene.
Peter and Rachel continue to debate the proposal issue (what else is new?) and they both make pretty valid arguments so we’re not really sure who to side with. In a perfect world, Peter would just offer Rachel a promise ring (it’s not like that’s never been done in the past) and they both kind of get their way.
Later, after some awkward silence and staring at the floor, Peter says he would make a sacrifice and propose to her tomorrow and Rachel’s like “I don’t want you to do that.” Ummm, didn’t you say last week that to make this work someone’s gotta bend? You literally said those exact words and now Peter’s offering to bend and you’re saying no. We’re confused.
After some more back and forth, Peter mumbles “I can do nothing but wish you the best” and continues with “I think we’re both going to regret this decision.” Wait, what?
HOLD THE PHONE. Are they breaking up right now??? Peter, why are you putting Rachel’s jacket on for her? WHY AREN’T YOU TELLING HER TO STAY? What is happening right now?
Rachel and Peter say ILY to each other, have a v. emotional kiss and then Rachel walks away. Is this the end? What the actual f-ck just happened? Pardon our French but it’s v. necessary right now.
Instead of running after her, Peter for some reason takes his sweater off (but unfortunately kept his t-shirt on) and starts crying to himself and whispering, “What’s wrong with me?” NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU, PETER. YOU’RE PERFECT.
Rachel: “I just feel like I’m making a big mistake.”
OK sooooo, now that we now Peter doesn’t win…brb, starting our applications for his season of The Bachelor.
Back at Chris Harrison’s viewing party, he invites Peter to the stage and that’s when shizz gets real awkward. Peter apologizes for making the comment, “go find someone to have a mediocre life with” (which like, ouch but true) and Rachel sassily responds with a chill, “I’m living my best life.”
Side note: We really thought this whole viewing party thing would be cool at first, but now it’s annoying and we hate it. We want the old format back.
Also, Rachel stop saying this show isn’t for Peter. He’s OBVIOUSLY going to be the next Bachelor.
OK so now we know Bryan wins and there’s still an hour left? Can we just stop watching and go to bed then? Because like, we don’t need to see Bryan propose to Rachel, we’ve had enough disappointment for one night.
We force ourselves to keep watching, mostly for the Bachelor in Paradise sneak peek, and after Peter and Rachel’s painful confrontation comes to an end we return to Bryan picking out his engagement ring and Rachel questioning whether or not she’s ready to get engaged to Bryan. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME RACHEL? You literally just broke up with Peter for that exact reason.
Time for Final Rose Ceremony! Bryan walks out of the limo, this time in a dapper suit that actually fits him, and walks towards a glittering Rachel and it is literally a windstorm. Rachel’s hair is flying everywhere, they probably had to cut every 30 seconds for a touch-up.
Bryan starts giving his proposal speech and we’re feeling zero fireworks, partially because the windstorm is v. distracting and partially because, well, it’s Bryan.
Wouldn’t it have been hilarious if when Bryan was giving Rachel the ring it just blew away in the wind?
Wooo, Rachel and Bryan engaged. Let us contain our excitement.
Back at the viewing party, Bryan walks out on stage and re-proposes to Rachel and we literally just can’t stop rolling our eyes. Is there such thing as an eye-roll overload?
Rachel and Bryan talk about their relationship and TBH we zone for most of it out because we just can’t take anymore, and then Chris Harrison gifts them with a trip back to Spain where all the magic happened.
Disclaimer: We knew it was going to be Bryan. We knew we’d be disappointed. But we didn’t expect to get this upset over it. We’re bitter, irritable messes today. Blame Rachel.
Anyway, after the biggest letdown of the year has wrapped, Chris Harrison *finally* gave us a sneak peak of Paradise and it looks A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. The twins are back (YAASS), there’s drama, love triangles, and most importantly, there’s lots and lots of shirtless Dean. We can’t wait.
See you here next week for our first Bachelor in Paradise GIF recap!
That’s it for The Bachelorette this season, now it’s time for the beach! Watch Bachelor in Paradise Mondays AND Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. EST on City. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter every Tuesday and Wednesday for recaps from Sharleen Joynt, GIF recaps and more!