Calling all Bachelor Nation obsessives like myself: I think it’s time we have a *serious* talk about—I’m sure you can already guess—Bachelor in Paradise. And I don’t mean a “Who are your favourite couples?” or a “What the eff is up with the Goose?” kind of chat. No, it’s time we have a no-holds barred conversation about the state of this season. Because I can’t be the only one who thinks it kinda sucks so far, right?
Maybe we’ve been spoiled in the past by the great love stories of Jade and Tanner, and Carly and Evan. Heck, I even kind of miss the Ashley I. and Jared saga (although I do get enough of their newfound love on a daily basis through Insta stories #vom). But I refuse to believe that we don’t deserve these kind of A+ Bachelor franchise storylines in our lives every damn. season. Am I right or am I right?
As a loyal watcher of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, Bachelor Winter Games and—if I’m being shamefully honest—a future watcher of whatever other spin-offs the Bachelor Nation gods will surely throw my way, I expect more than what’s been delivered thus far in season 5 of BiP. The storylines are flat, the contestants suck, the drama is more forced than Garrett’s Twitter scandal apology. And—despite the fact that I still watch every week because, let’s be honest, I’m addicted to this crap—I am not here for it.
So, let’s all grab a piña colada and explore why the first three episodes of Bachelor in Paradise season 5 have been less than stellar. (At the same time, let’s all collectively pray it will get better next week, k?)
Reason #1 BiP sucks this season: The contestants
The most obvious reason Paradise sucks this season? Poor casting. First off, the girls are WAY bigger catches than the guys this time around. Minus Venmo John (who is legit a multi-millionaire—bro, WHY ARE YOU HERE?) and Colton (yes, I’m still #TeamColton) these dudes honestly all seem like kings of douchebaggery—and Chris R. is their leader. Case in point:
On top of that, the majority of this summer’s contestants are from Arie and Becca’s seasons—with a few exceptions—which obviously is going to make things a lot less interesting. All these people already know each other and hang out in the same Bachelor Nation circle. (You know at least half of them have hooked up before.) So if the producers *really* wanted this to be a good season, they should have picked from a bigger pool of Bachelor and Bachelorette castoffs. Just saying.
Reason #2 BiP sucks this season: One contestant in particular (Tia!)
It’s safe to say that I’m not Tia’s number one fan, but I can’t be the only one who has straight-up just had enough of Tia in Paradise. Like, I feel bad that she came hoping to find love with Colton and he ended up wanting to explore other options. I truly do, that sucks. But girl needs to GET OVER IT. They dated for what, a weekend? (Is a weekend fling considered dating in 2018? IDEK anymore). And, considering the very real tears Colton shed for Becca when she annoyingly showed up (*insert multiple eye rolls*), the dude clearly has enough going on.
Let me put it this way: You know that friend that’s always going on about a boy? (Don’t lie, we all have one). Well, Tia is Paradise’s version of that. So instead of getting two hours of mind-numbing TV two nights a week (which this show is supposed to offer me), I get stuck with four straight hours of Tia badmouthing Colton—who, in my eyes, really didn’t do anything wrong other than follow his sad, broken heart. So, PLS no one give Tia a rose next week and maybe the rest of this season will have a chance.
Reason #3 BiP sucks this season: The producers
At the end of the day, I truly believe it all comes down to the producers. Don’t get me wrong, I get what they’re trying to do. They want the show to do well, so they focus on the drama in an effort to make this the “most dramatic season yet” and finally put some truth to Chris Harrison’s favourite catch phrase. BUT, in focusing on all of Tia and Colton’s drama—and don’t even get me started on bringing Becca to Paradise because that was just unforgiveable—we’ve lost sight of all the real relationships.
Like seriously, where is all the love? We know that there are legit connections forming. Kevin W. and Astrid, for example, have been coupled up for the past two episodes—Kevin even turned down a date with Jubilee because he wanted to stick with Astrid (something I was slightly shook by). But have we seen more than, idk, three minutes (and that’s being generous) of these two in Paradise? No. We have, however, spent countless minutes watching Tia’s tedious dramz with both Colton and Chris unfold.
My point here is that in an effort to make this season the most dramatic ever, the producers have actually ruined it with drama we don’t care about—and, in turn, they’ve denied us the content we actually want to see.
You know the saying “if it ain’t broke”? Well, Bachelor producers, you shouldn’t have tried to fix it.