A man child, a self-proclaimed tickle monster and a human adult male with a creepy, faceless ventriloquist dummy walk into a bar.
No, that isn’t the start of a bad joke or a scene from your worst nightmare, it’s the literal plot line of a show called Bachelor in Paradise where lame single men vie for the love and affection of women way out of their league. NO, that isn’t the show’s actual synopsis but it sure as hell feels like the trainwreck I’ve been hate-watching. This rant has been building inside me for weeks, and I can’t hold back any longer: the guys on Bachelor in Paradise are utter trash and I literally can’t with them anymore. In the words of beloved Jorge (and, well, me every time I watch and my eyes roll so far back in my head, I’m shocked they’re not stuck): por favor.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I realize that a lot of the “personalities” we get to know on reality TV are edited into oblivion and I recognize that there is likely much more to *some* of these guys than the one-dimensional caricatures they’ve been turned into. BUT, I will also say that I’ve been catching up on past BIP seasons 2 and 3 in the name of, ahem, research (why yes, I do have a super full social life, thanks for asking) and my theory holds—the dudes they ship into Mexico for a dozen mostly lovely, beautiful, intelligent women to fight over season after season are awful. I’d love to get into season 2 master manipulator Joe—the one who played poor Juelia and had Jonathan weeping into his vest—or season 3’s Nick Viall (don’t @ me, his sneaky exit to be The Bachelor was slimy AF) but there just isn’t enough time, so here are a few choice d-bags from the Bachelor in Paradise season 4 cast who have me reaching for the remote.
Where to even begin with this guy? You know that Tyra Banks GIF that gets trotted out on Twitter constantly? It literally plays on repeat every time Dean has dis(graced) my TV screen in the past few weeks as he strings Kristina along whilst deciding just how much he wants to bang Danielle L. Dean. DEAN. We were rooting for you so hard. The FLARE office has some of the biggest Dean lovers (and apologists, hi, guilty as charged) around and even we. are. over. him. The line during episode 6 that officially killed any scrap of affection I had for Dean? “Kristina’s so much more interesting and perceptive and smart but D-Lo’s just so f-ckin’ hot.” F-CKBOY, BYE!
We’ll just leave this here:
Onto more subpar men of BIP season 4, like… this guy.
It really pains me to have to explain yet again that aggressively pawing at a woman’s midsection without consent (or even any playful build-up or flirting to said stupidity) is categorically always a bad idea and yet here we are because for the second week in a row, I’ve had my eyeballs assaulted by women actively pursuing a dude who calls himself the Tickle Monster. It’s just a hard no. And Jasmine at the episode 7 Rose Ceremony saying she wants to “tickle his pickle.” That broke my heart and spirit for good.
Truth be told, I almost didn’t include ol’ Jack Stone in this round-up because he seems possibly like the most decent guy out of this group of underachievers. But that being said, anyone who stares like Jack Stone and makes way too many serial killer jokes for comfort needs to be called out. I did LOL, though, when Jack said “You can’t put me, Tickles and Blake in the same category” as the three of them fought for Christen’s rose. Even Jack knows he’s at least the best of the worst.
This man is seriously embarrassing for all Canadians, no? I’m been simultaneously watching BIP season 3 and 4 and unluckily for me, he really shines in both seasons—and for all the wrong reasons, namely how he talks about women like they are literal pieces of property to be acquired.
Ugh. Just ugh. The man best known for his obsession with the Whaboom guy from Rachel’s season and the line “walka walka fart joke” never stood a chance. I actually felt pity for this guy because when you arrive on the heels of Rachel’s other lamest rejects and still no one wants to date you, times are tough.
Watch Bachelor in Paradise Mondays AND Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. EST on City. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter every Tuesday and Wednesday for recaps from Sharleen Joynt, GIF recaps and more!