Welcome to our first instalment of Bachelor in Paradise GIF recaps! Judging by the teasers, it’s going to be one hell of a season so we’re really excited. *Cue cheesy theme song*
We start the first episode off with Chris Harrison standing on the beach introducing himself—as if we *don’t* already know who he is—talking about the season of Paradise that “almost didn’t happen” and telling us that they’re going to start from the beginning before the whole scandal unfolded and filming was suspended. Oh, and of course in classic Chris Harrison style he drops his “the most dramatic season ever” line.
Then we get right into our fave part of the entire show: the tacky but oh-so-amazing opening credits. Amanda running away from a giant slice of pizza (a.k.a. Josh Murray) was absolute perfection and Jasmine doing the “chokey” on a camera operator was a close second.
Onto the arrivals. Raven is the first to walk into paradise with, like, the most rocking bod ever.
And then our Deanie Baby shows up! We missed his beautiful face.
More people show up—we’ve got Raven, Dean, Kristina, Danielle M. and Ben Zorn from Kaitlyn’s season so far—and it’s kind of funny that they’re pretending not to know each other even though they’ve defs all been partying together (and probs hooking up) for the past few weeks.
Ben quickly steals Raven away because he “likes what she’s wearing so far” and when Raven asks him what he’s all about he literally just starts talking about every dog that’s ever been in his life. This dude is obsessed with dogs. It’s kind of weird.
Then Iggy shows up (ugh) and instead of introducing himself to the girls, he immediately runs into Dean’s arms. And in his first ITM he’s like a giddy teenage boy talking about how hot Dean looks. Hmmm, Raven could be right; maybe he is in love with Dean. (Same.)
Not long after Iggy’s arrival, Jack Stone walks down and announces that he is in fact *not* a serial killer. But we beg to differ. I mean, if you have to announce that you’re not a serial killer, something’s definitely not right.
Then Alexis makes her grand entrance and we honestly don’t care if it’s a shark costume or a dolphin costume, we just freakin’ love her.
Next up is DeMario and all the girls are just like…
Side note: are they not allowed to wear sunglasses on Paradise? Like, they’re on a sunny beach in Mexico and no one is wearing sunglasses. Why?
Anyhoo, a couple of JoJo’s rejects show up—Derek and Alex—and we forgot how much we hated Alex until right now. Alex, if you bully Derek (who, BTW, is a straight-up doppleganger of John Krasinski) again we will come for you and we will hurt you.
Andddd enter Corinne! She arrives (sans cheese pasta) with two glasses of champagne, one for her and one for Chris Harrison.
Chris Harrison: So do you have a BF?
Us: But you do though…
Corinne walks out and immediately everyone is *so* excited to see her, it’s basically just one big reunion of Nick’s rejects.
Iggy: Corinne is like the life of the party and I think I’m genuinely the life of the party.
Us: PLS GO HOME.
Later, Dean just goes for it (go Dean!) and pulls Kristina aside for a pretty serious chat about their difficult pasts and we already love them together.
Then the two costume dudes show up—Matt from Rachel’s season in a penguin suit and Nick a.k.a. Saint Nick from JoJo’s season in a Santa beard—and Matt gets his knickers in a bunch because Nick’s costume was half-assed.
Matt to Nick about his incomplete costume:
Nick point blank tells Jasmine that he came here for her and Jasmine’s just like “You think I’m hot, don’t lie.” Then they make out in front of everyone.
Next up is Amanda. Ugh are we the only ones who *don’t* love Amanda? She gives Chris Harrison her engagement ring from Josh and then starts talking about how sweaty he was. LOL. So. much. sweat.
Taylor—the emotional intelligence expert from Nick’s season—comes after Amanda and right off the bat she starts talking about Corinne. We’re over her already.
Amanda talking to Jack Stone about dating apps: I tried and I swiped through like 700 guys. And I applied for like the celebrity one and I like didn’t even get approved for that ‘cause I’m not cool enough.
This is honestly just such great television.
Unfortunately Alexis isn’t feeling anyone yet because, as she says, her vagina hasn’t started dancing yet (have we mentioned how much we love her?) but we hope she finds someone soon because we want her to be here all season for comic relief.
While Alexis talks about her unexcited vagina, DeMario and Corinne are all over each other in the pool. Corinne is still fully dressed and yes, absolutely wasted. And Alex (not to be confused with Alexis) is just awkwardly watching them, narrating everything that’s happening.
Then Chris Harrison gathers everyone around so Jorge the Bartender can break our hearts announce that he is leaving Paradise to follow his dreams of starting his own business. He gets v. emotional and we literally can’t even handle how cute he is.
Enter Wells, the new bartender! Which is hella random but also kinda cool.
Chris Harrison announces that the girls have the roses the first week and Iggy’s like “Even though I love the guys that are here, I guess I gotta find a girl who will give me her rose” as he probably daydreams about Dean. (Again, same.)
Derek and Taylor are hanging out and they’re weirdly obsessed with making a fire on the beach. Taylor brags about her marshmallow roasting skills and then proceeds to burn the shit out of one.
Kristina gets the first date card and obviously asks Dean because, who wouldn’t?
Iggy and Lacey seem to have a little thing going on but when Iggy talks about it in his ITM he seems like the most unenthused person in the history of the world. Probs because Lacey isn’t Dean.
And speaking of Dean *cue us melting* he and Kristina are both such smitten kittens on their date and it’s actually the cutest thing ever. We’re feeling supes conflicted right now because one on hand we hate Kristina for getting to make out with Dean, but on the other we totally love them together.
Oh, and Jasmine has moved on from Nick because he’s too shwasted to talk to her, so she’s macking on Matt in the pool now.
The next morning; DeMario, Corinne and Alexis are sitting together eating a delicious and nutritious Paradise breakfast and everything between DeMario and Corinne seems totally fine. Then Lacey walks down to tell Iggy that her grandpa just died so she’s leaving Paradise. And Iggy’s just freaking out about who’s rose he’s going to get now but it’s like dude, the girl’s grandpa just died have some sympathy.
Robby shows up with his perfect abs and his shellacked hair and Chris Harrison gives him a date card, which he offers to Raven.
Danielle M.: Robby didn’t ask me on his date but that’s fine because I really love talking to Jack.
Jack Stone: You don’t want to be the first one to die in Paradise *creepily blinks and stares at Danielle M.*
Us: DANIELLE, CALL 9-1-1 AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE
Jumping to Raven and Robby’s date now where they go jet-skiing and drink fancy pineapple drinks on the beach. Robby tells Raven about his denim speedo and it’s obvious he’s so into her but we’re not sure Raven’s feeling the same way.
Raven and Robby get back from their date, which we think was right in Robby’s wheelhouse but we’re not sure because he didn’t say the word “wheelhouse” enough times. But Raven’s just like “He’s prettier than me, I can’t.”
Raven: I was like, every time he brushes his hair I’m gonna drink.
Also just realized Robby’s occupation title card reads “social media influencer” so LOL at that.
Nick tries to talk to Jasmine again but is interrupted when Matt gets the date card and asks her out. They go to a drag club and Matt happily joins the show which we loved (and give him major props for). Overall, the date went really well and we’re so here for Jasmine and Matt. BYEEE Saint Nick.
It’s time for the cocktail party and the guys who don’t have their roses figured out start scrambling. Meanwhile Taylor is being so annoying complaining about “feeling feelings” for Derek (whoa, save those emotionally intelligent words for later, Taylor) but, like, is that not why you came on the show? Ugh.
Robby thinks he’s def getting Raven’s rose because like, he’s wearing a shirt with sombreros and “what more could you ask for?” But Raven straight-up tells Ben that his kiss was better than Robby’s (ouch) and it’s so obvious she’s giving him her rose. They’re p. cute together.
And before the episode ends, the thing we all knew was coming came; Corinne and DeMario got pulled aside by the producers and they stopped filming. We can only guess that tonight’s episode will start off with everyone being brought back to Paradise after the investigation, PLUS Paradise alums Carly and Evan’s wedding!!! See you back here tomorrow for a recap of episode 2 (TBH, we’re way too pumped for the rest of this season).
Watch Bachelor in Paradise Mondays AND Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. EST on City. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter every Tuesday and Wednesday for recaps from Sharleen Joynt, GIF recaps and more!